Oh sweet friend, just writing this post makes my heart feel pangs of sadness. Thinking about you makes tears run down my cheeks. I understand all too well as two years ago I was you. I was the girl that couldn’t find her Christmas, no matter where she looked. I was the girl with an empty, aching heart.
Let me share my story.
Two years ago, as the Holidays approached, they felt different. I pushed it aside as much as I could, until the obvious was staring me straight in the face. I put up my tree, made handmade decorations, shopped till I dropped, baked cookies, watched Rudolph, burnt yummy smelling candles…and still nothing. I still couldn’t feel Christmas. Why couldn’t I FEEL it? I ran down the to-be-happy-at-Christmas checklist, put marks in all the boxes and I’m still wasn’t happy.
I was sassy. I was mean. I was sad. I cried. I was distant. I was heartbroken. I had myself a big ole’ pity party. Daily, I alternated between trying to talk myself out of it and justifying my feelings. Christmas was just so expensive and money was tight. Previously I didn’t have any close friends to do fun Christmasy stuff with. My dog was aging and couldn’t walk some days. The weather was yucky. There wasn’t any snow. I missed my Grandma who had passed away. My family didn’t get together anymore on Christmas Eve. I could go on and on.
My heart was just sad.
I’m going to be honest. No matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it, it was just a valley I had to walk through. And that’s okay.
Friend, if you’re hurting this holiday season…It’s okay to hurt.
People will, no doubt, tell you to just “get over it” and “move on”. And maybe you feel like you should be over it, but you just don’t know how to be. I want to tell you this…it’s okay.
If there is anything I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s this. When God leads you through a valley, don’t close your eyes. Keep them open as wide as you can. Along the journey, even in the midst of the valley, there will be beautiful blessings.
I promise you, some day you will find joy in the Holidays again. God has joy planned for you!! At first, it may come in a little smile here or there. Or you find yourself actually singing along to a Christmas carol. Embrace it! Smile. Laugh. Hug. Eat. Fellowship. And when the tears come, embrace them too. Cry if you need to. Be honest and brave.
Healing will come. Laughter will return. Joy will emerge from this dark season. A Holiday season will feel almost normal again.
PERFECTION. I was having so much trouble this year with the whole "HO HO HO Thing" – but you know that. . . . I believe that Christmas is with us all year usually – the Miracle, the Magic – I do. Fa-La-La and all that… lol BUT this year, not so much. This year it didn't feel like Christmas. This year, so far, I cry far too much. My heart was breaking… I dont even have the energy to decorate (and when I tell you I have decorations – GIRL!!!!!….) My beloved Tonka (Fila Mastiff) has been so ill – knocking on deaths door if I am honest….it has consumed me. All my love, light and energy has gone to him – I have not shopped, I have not baked, I have not even put on a silly Holiday Shirt or any of my oh so cute PJ's. Why bother. Where are you Christmas???? Do not misunderstand me, I have no regrets. I would do it again. Spending every minute with my fur baby is far more important to me than putting up a Christmas Tree or any of the other things I usually love to do. This dog has given us all his love. He has been loyal and loving. Tonka is so kind and thoughtful, always there for us no matter what our mood – loving us. He has protected me with everything he has. He has given all to us – now it is our turn to give all we have to him. So, How could I possibly want a tree or anything else? I dont. I wanted a Miracle. That is what I want for Christmas. A Christmas Miracle. I spent many nights sobbing as I held him in my lap listening to his shallow breathing. As others were celebrating or decorating or posting fun photos on social media, I was wondering if my dog would be with me in the morning….. so yea, Christmas was making me sad. Very sad. Then it happened… My Christmas Miracle!!!!! My Tonka slowly – every so slowly – somehow, is healing. He is up and his tail is wagging again. He is eating and drinking…. and living!! He has given us hope where there was none just days ago. I still do not think I will decorate, and I am not sure I will even bake (I may get a lot of grief on this one) – cause for me, right now, in this moment – I found my Christmas again – my Miracle – My Tonka….. I am not going to question the how or why – I am just going to go on believing… and that, is truly the Magic of Christmas for me this year. It just may be my best Christmas yet – and I certainly didn't see that coming! I know there is a lesson here for me somewhere – I will try and figure it out later…. right now, I have to take Tonka for a walk. A walk! Days ago he couldn't get up off his bed. Yes…. I believe…