Ignite Intimacy | Make Your Marriage Sizzle

Let’s be real for a minute, sometimes it feels like sex is just too complicated.  You’re sleep deprived, the bills seem never-ending, the house needs cleaned, dishes need done and add in the everyday stress…all libido-suppressing.  It just seems easier to leave sex for another day.

Today I want to encourage you not to give up and not to let go of pursuing sex and intimacy in your marriage.  Embracing and enjoying your sexuality will seem challenging at times, even overwhelming, but we need to be purposeful about cultivating intimacy and passion in our marriage.  It takes time, energy and effort, but if you are intentional about it, your marriage will benefit and grow.

How can you keep intimacy alive?  You have to desire it.  You have to want it.  You have to be deliberate about it.  You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goal.  You have to engage your heart fully in the joyful pursuit.  Today I am sharing 16 ways to get started.

16 Ways To Make Your Marriage Sizzle

1.  Know your worth

We’re so busy feeling fat or saggy or inadequate that we can scarcely imagine feeling sexual.  Study after study would show that the vast majority of husbands desire their wives – and they want wives who want to fully participate in sex and embrace it for the gift it is.  The hang up about body appearance is more about our own insecurities than it is about their expectations.  Nurturing sexual intimacy to its fullest in your marriage has so much to do with embracing the beauty and femininity of who you are.  And you are beautiful.  When he tells you he thinks you are beautiful and sexy, he really does mean it.  Believe him.  Accept the compliment and embrace it.  Embrace him and his love.

2.  Buy new undies

And for goodness sake, throw away those granny panties you’ve had since your last pregnancy.  Look for some Victoria’s Secret or Aerie coupons and go do some shopping.  You can normally find some pretty good sales, like 7 pair for $25.  Listen ladies, that’s a small price to pay for how good you’ll feel.  You’ll be surprised at how sexy you feel just knowing you have them on.  Maybe even shock your hubby and buy a thong or a cheeky cut.

3.  Pursue your spouse

Pursuit, to most men, means feeling desired (ladies, read that as “sex”) and affirmed through respect, honor and appreciation.  Most women, on the other hand, are more likely to want to be pursued through time, attention and tenderheartedness (guys, read that as “romance”).

Write him love notes and tuck them in his lunchbox.  Send him a racy text (I highly suggest knowing the location of his phone before this one. Remember…on smart phones, said text will pop up on the screen.)  Tell him how much you appreciate him.  Buy the stinkin’ lingerie that he likes on you, even if you feel it’s a waste of money.  Kiss him and hold his hand, even if you’re in a horribly long checkout line at Wal-Mart.  Read Song of Solomon out loud together each night before bed.  Pursue that man’s heart daily.

4.  Kiss

Kiss a lot.  Make out in the kitchen while cooking dinner.  Kiss in the living room while watching TV.  It’s good for your kids to see you give your spouse love.  That they can see we are still pursuing our spouses heart.  The byproduct is that our children can watch their parents dating.  When children see their parents giving each other time, affection, and respect it is a reassurance of our love and makes them feel secure.

5.  Have fun

When was the last time you did something with the purposeful intention of just having fun together?  One of my favorite things my husband and I have in common is a love for laughter.  Actually, his ability to make me laugh was one of the reasons I fell head over heals for him.  Plan a spontaneous adventure and surprise your spouse with it.   This could be a night away (minus kids) or even a little mini-date.  See a funny movie together, or take in a comedy show.  Let your hair down and get silly: have a pillow fight or a tickle war.

6.  Sex is about you too girl

The world loves to lie to us.  One of those lies is that sex is something we do for our husband.  That way of thinking limits true intimacy in your marriage and creates resentment.  Remember, God gave us the ability to have an orgasm as well.  Take the time to identify things that make you feel sexy and begin pursuing those things (like buying sexy undies).  Begin thinking about, talking about, and doing things in bed that feel good to you.  Initiate sex once in a while and be an active participant in your own sex life.

7.  Focus on the positive

Remember the reasons you fell in love with your spouse?  It’s super easy to focus on what annoys us about our spouse, but that is definitely a passion killer.  Passion can’t co-exist with negativity.  So, develop a habit of being grateful and appreciative.  Guard your heart against taking the good parts of your marriage for granted.  Say thank you.  Plain and simple.  Thank them for big and little things.  Thank them for doing dishes, laundry or fixing your car.  I even thank my husband for just loving me (because I am fully aware there are days that can’t be easy).  Take some time to sit down together and make a list of the top five body parts you love (and think are super hot) about your spouse. Guys, your wife is likely in a body-image battle, even if you think she shouldn’t be.  This will mean the absolute world to her.

8.  Say I love you

Say if often.  Say it every chance you get.  Before you leave in the morning, at the end of a phone call, in a text during the work day, before bed or across the room.  Don’t ever let them wonder how you feel.

9.  Quickies can be your friend

Don’t be a high maintenance lover that needs a long list of “things” before sex can happen.  Give the kids ice cream for dinner, turn on some Spongebob…and lock your bedroom door.  The house won’t burn down and ice cream won’t kill them.  Grab the moments you can.  It will make the rest of the day just a little bit better.

10.  Get creative

Don’t become a predictable lover.  God has given us such freedom in this arena.  Consider having an open discussion with your spouse on what you feel is okay and what your boundaries are.  Just follow some general rules…it’s just the two of you, you allow mutual respect and agreement to guide your choices, it causes no pain physically, emotionally, or spiritually and you keep the focus on your relationship.

Sometimes, people shy away from certain sexual acts because they call them “dirty” or “kinky” or “weird”.  The truth is, if you and your spouse agree to try something (even if it’s weird) and you enjoy it, it is certainly ok for you to try during sex as long as it follows the basic guidelines.  So by all means, experiment and add some variety to your sex life!

11.  Touch is powerful

Every night when my husband and I go to bed, we touch somehow.  It may be me laying in his arms or me snuggling up against his back.  Sometimes we even hold hands while we sleep.  Moving across the bed to touch him will show your husband that you desire and love him and find comfort in his touch.

12.  It takes time for women

Men can become aroused in 2 to 3 minutes (and sometimes 30 seconds!)—but women take 10 times a long.  Women take 20 to 30 minutes to become as aroused as men.  So women, it helps to start thinking about your later randevu earlier in the day.  Do a little planning, send a sexy text and get creative.

13.  72 hours

Did you know that men are actually created to need a sexual release about every three days?  I never knew that either until a few years ago.  Cindy Dagnan writes, “Sex is as necessary as breathing for most men… because of the periodic buildup of seminal fluid, they actually need it.”  For most men, this buildup takes only about seventy-two hours.  We need to be intentional on how we love on our husbands.

14.  Oral sex

Two words I never thought I’d say on this blog.  Just typing that made me sweat.  Y’all, my Mama reads my blog!

Christians will never fully agree on this topic and whether it’s permissible in marriage.  No clearly spelled out command exists in the Bible regarding oral sex, which means we are left to our own prayerful interpretation.  If we feel it is okay for a husband to kiss his wife’s neck, hand, naval or her forehead then how can we rationalize that her entire body is not permissible ground.  The same goes with a wife kissing her husband’s body.  So, yes, I do believe oral sex is permissible within marriage.  Song of Solomon 2:3 says Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.  In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.  

15.  Plan sex

We live busy lives with full schedules.  Some days everyone is running in different directions.  It’s easy for sex to become an afterthought.  As weird as it sounds, putting sex on your calendar works.  We need to intentionally plan for what is important to us.  There isn’t any wrong schedule…1, 2 or 3 times a week.  With some spontaneous times sprinkled in if the opportunity arises.

16.  Pray Together

I have to admit, when we bow our heads to pray Sunday mornings, I can’t wait to slip my hand into my husbands.  There is just something so amazingly intimate about praying together!  I totally understand that not everyone is comfortable praying out loud {read this as ME} but it’s so worth it.  Just gather up the courage and pray with your man!