Last week we focused on God’s Design for sex in marriage. We saw that the Bible is so so clear on the issue of sex and the beautiful gift it is. This week we’re going to focus on why should we wait until marriage.
The world we live in loves to tell us lies wrapped up in pretty little packages. If it feels good, do it. You deserve to be happy. Follow your heart. It’s your body to do with what you want. Lies can sound so true when people are starving for truth.
It would be easy to just say wait because the Bible said ya’ll and end my post. But that’s unfair, and honestly how well has that been working?
An article in Relevant magazine, titled “(Almost) Everyone’s Doing It,” cited a study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, which included information on sexual activity. While the study’s primary report did not explore religion, some additional analysis focusing on sexual activity and religious identification yielded this result: 80 percent of unmarried evangelical young adults (18 to 29) said that they have had sex – slightly less than 88 percent of unmarried adults, according to the teen pregnancy prevention organization.
We have seen so many movements such as “True Love Waits,” encourage teens to wear purity rings, sign virginity pledges and pledge chastity during public ceremonies. Yet many of these Christian youths eventually tuck their purity rings in a drawer, forget about the purity pledgs they signed and forget about waiting.
Doesn’t it feel like nearly everyone, even your Christian friends, are having sex? I remember that feeling, all your friends sitting at the lunch table chattering about their “hook up” that weekend. And what did I have to offer? Oh, I spent my wild Saturday night watching Little House on the Prarie and then read a book before bed. Fascinating.
Y’all, I understand and I get it!
And I truly believe the only way to change that is to expose the lies you’ve been told about sex. So today, we will focus on 10 of those lies.
Lie #1 – Casual sex is THE best
Listen guys, while it may seem like the best it literally has nothing on marital sex. It doesn’t even compare. It is second-best sex.
Journalist George Leonard observed that
casual recreational sex is hardly a feast – not even a good hearty sandwich. It is a diet of fast food served in plastic containers. Life’s feast is available only to those who are willing and able to engage life on a deeply personal level, giving all, holding back nothing. (Quoted by Joyce Huggett in Dating, Sex & Friendship, InterVarsity Press, p. 82.)
The University of Chicago did an exhaustive study in sexuality and found that the people who are having the most sex and who are the most satisfied happen to be conservative Christians in monogamous marital relationships.
Lie #2 – Sex is the next step when two people love each other
The truth is sex outside of God’s design is not love, it’s lust. Love is sacrificially seeking what’s best for the other person. Lust is selfishly seeking what will make me happy in the moment.
God designed sex to be a beautiful expression of love in marriage. Sex prior to marriage (even by a day) is lust, is a distortion of God’s creation, and hurts us and the person we love (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).
Lie #3 – Sex creates intimacy
You’ve heard “sex brings you closer”. And that is somewhat true. The Bible says that sex causes “two people to become one.” That means it’s more than just a physical act, it’s also a spiritual encounter (Mark 10:6-9).
The feeling of intimacy is created by a “chemical cocktail” that is produced in the brain during sex and stays with each person for up to 24 hours after intercourse.
On the other hand, having sex is no guarantee that the deep emotional intimacy that everyone longs for will develop.
Alice Fryling, in an article titled, “Why Wait for Sex?” writes:
“Genital sex is an expression of intimacy, not the means to intimacy. True intimacy springs from verbal and emotional communion. True intimacy is built on a commitment to honesty, love and freedom. True intimacy is not primarily a sexual encounter. Intimacy, in fact, has almost nothing to do with our sex organs. A prostitute may expose her body, but her relationships are hardly intimate.”
Premarital sexual intercourse may actually hinder intimacy. Donald Joy writes that indulging in sexual intercourse prematurely short-circuits the emotional bonding process. He cites one study of 100,000 women that links early sexual experience with dissatisfaction in their present marriages, unhappiness with the level of sexual intimacy and a prevalence of low self-esteem (Christianity Today, October 3, 1986).
Lie #4 – There is something wrong with you if you aren’t having sex
I have a daughter that is saving her first kiss for her wedding day. So believe me, we’ve heard all about how weird that is. Saving your first kiss and saving yourself just aren’t the norm in this world.
This can be a very intimdating lie. Um, hello, no teenage girl wants her friends to think that she is a weirdo wack-a-loon for saving herself.
The facts are that premature sex is bad for your emotional, physical and cultural health. The February 1991 issue of the journal Pediatrics reported that researchers at Indiana University found that sexually active teenagers are more likely to be prone to alcohol abuse and illegal drugs, and are more likely to have trouble in school. They reported that sexually active girls were more likely to be depressed, have low self esteem, feel lonely or attempt suicide.
Premarital sex could very well be bad for the emotional health of your future marriage. It lays the groundwork for comparison once you’re married. I realize that doens’t make sense to you know, but hang in there with me for a second. You are engaged but you know your fiance had sex with her previous boyfriend. There may come a time when you think “Why would she ever settle for only me?” After you’re married, some night you may want sex but your husband had a long day and is too tired. You could be left laying in the dark thinking “I bet he doesn’t think I’m as attractive as she was”. This is how sex now causes comparison in your marriage later.
Premarital sex is also bad for your physical health. Y’all, STDs are on the rise. There are 110 million cases of STDs with 20 million of them being new. And 10 million of those cases are between the ages of 15-24. How can you avoid getting an STD? From the CDCs website “The most reliable way to avoid infection is to not have sex”.
Lie #5 – You need to know if you’re sexually compatable before marriage
Y’all have heard this one…no one would buy a car without test driving it first.
Remember the comparison we talked about above? This mentality just sets that into place. If you believe you would never struggle with comparison, then why need to “test drive” anything?
How do you avoid comparison? Only have one partner. Then you’ll always think they’re the best automatically!
Partners can also feel threatened if they think their mate could be comparing them with previous partners. You need to protect the emotional safety that your spouse will need to feel in marriage starting now.
“Sexual baggage doesn’t unpack itself, it simply slips into the bed beside you and makes connecting with your spouse in spirit and truth, that much harder to do.” Joy from Simply Bloom
Lie #6 – Sex is bad
Well-meaning Christians have said this thinking it will help to avoid pre-marital sex. What it actually does is have us bring that mindset into our marriages, and our intimacy suffers as a refult.
Sex is good. Hello, God created it…He called it “good,” and it existed before there was any sin in the world. Sex was not created by satan, Playboy, the internet or some creepy pervert lurking in the shadows of a porn shop. However, God wants us to keep sex within his intentions and requirements, not the world’s. God designed sex for the sacred union of marriage between a man and a woman, and reserves it for that union.
Lie #7 – It’s the twentieth century, I’m sure God understands that
I mean, surely the Scriptures on sexual purity are outdated and archaic. Back then people got married when they were teens so they don’t understand the struggle.
While it’s easy to feel that way, it’s wrong. To say that we’d also have to say the entire Bible is out dated.
Take a second and read 1 Corinthians 6:9, 2 Corinthians 12:21, Galatians 5:19, Hebrews 13:4 and Deuteronomy 22:13-28. They all talk about sex before marriage. God knew how hard it was gonig to be guys!
Scripture is clear. Sexual intercourse outside the bonds of marriage is sin. Even if we had no other evidence, God’s word makes it clear that sex outside of marriage is not only outside our best interests, but it is also wrong.
I don’t think that God gave these rules because He is just out to ruin our fun. Actually the opposite. Because God created us and because He loves us more than we can ever know, He has told us how to have the best, most satisfying sexual experiences: in marriage! That’s where sex is fun! Abstaining from premarital sex and being faithful to your spouse is not a denial of your rights or pleasure. It is choosing to experience sex in the healthiest, happiest context.
Additionally, if scriptures in the Bible became untrue because people can’t control their desires, then we’d also have to cut out the commandments on murder, stealing, lying, cheating and having affairs.
Lie #8 – Sex is just physical, that’s it
Culture tells us sex is just physical. We want to believe we can get physical satisfaction without emotional or spiritual consequences.
The truth is sex is an intimate exchange that binds two people together.
God created this awesome thing to happen when we have sex. Oxytocin, a hormone produced primarily in women’s bodies, helps women become bonded to the object of her affection. So when a woman becomes intimate with a man, her body releases Oxytocin and she becomes emotionally bonded to him. Also the brain produces lots of Dopamine during sex – a powerful chemical, which is compared to heroin on the brain. Men produce Vasopressin which serves the same purpose as Oxytocin. These chemicals create an emotional bond between the couple. The more we do it the stronger the bond.
Sounds great right? But here is where sex before marriage causes an issue with this. The more people we do it with, the harder it becomes to form that bond with the next person. What if by the time you get married that chemical reaction isn’t happening anymore? That’s why God designed sex for marriage. When we have sex, we physically, emotionally and spiritually become one.
Lie #9 – Everyone is doing it
I can assure you, not everyone is doing it. But it sure does feel that way sometimes. Read #4 again.
In every school, every town, every state there are plenty of cool, happy people who have chosen to follow God’s plan and save sex for marriage. And they’re also saving themselves all kinds of heartache.
Lie #10 – If you’ve had sex before marriage, you are damaged goods
Listen to me carefully, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I can’t honestly believe that if Jesus was talking to a room full of teenagers, He would say they were damaged goods.
It is interesting when Jesus walked on this earth He talked to a lot of women who were “damaged goods”. Women who had a past, a background, a life before they met Jesus. Not once did He ever use a phrase like damaged goods. He used words of love and forgiveness, He used words that gave life and asked them to leave their life of sin but He didn’t condemn them.
Take a look at the account of Jesus’ ancestors in Matthew 1:1-16. First we see Tamar who solicited sex with her father-in-law. Then we see Rahab who was clearly a prostitute. Ruth is next, identified as a true woman of virtue. The fourth woman is identified as Uriah’s wife, she was seduced by David while her husband was at war. Lastly is Mary, the mother of Jesus. Mary is a virgin and wasn’t part of any sexual scandal. Five women are included, mostly poor, mostly misfits, widows, unimportant, unknown, sinful women who changed the course of history by their simple, obedient lives. This is no oversight on God’s part. I think He intentionally chose women we can relate to. In this list are women and men who are like us. Some sinned sexually. Others were deeply affected by the moral climate around them. But these were the people in the lineage of Jesus.
No sexual sin is beyond God’s forgiveness. Thankfully, He doesn’t withhold forgiveness or grace from those who ask for it. God not only fully forgives, He also fully redeems. He’s using sinful people, like you and me, to build his Kingdom.
WOW! Can I just say that this exactly what every young woman of God needs to be reminded of! As a 19 year old, single, female, I found this post amazing and inspiring and full of hope. Thank you so much for writing this and not being afraid to approach a topic so many people shy away from, I loved it, and will definitely be sharing it with as many girls as I know! You’re amazing!