When Attraction Leaves

I remember that first time I saw Joe at a mutual friends house.  His t-shirt and bright eyes, the way he made me laugh with ease, his confidence, it sucked me in.  My attraction to this “bad boy” shocked me, this dark mysterious guy who ignored the world and rocked multiple tattoos.  I thought to myself that it would be hilarious if I were so immediately attracted to him because he was supposed to be my husband.  Actually, that was my second though.  My first thought was that my Mama would never approve of this tattooed wild boy.

Three months later we were married, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

We both entered marriage in love with being in love.  I adored the romance, comfort and support a spouse offered.  I loved waking up beside him each morning and laying down beside him each night.  I loved that he was my best friend and knew me better than anyone.  We had our own unwritten language and could share a look or a word that no one else would understand but WE knew what it meant.  I loved how he could make me laugh more than anyone else.

Falling in love is the most blissful feeling.  With each new discovery in your relationship, you feel yourself falling more and more in love.  You just know, in your heart of hearts, that you’ve found the right person to spend the rest of your life with.  Your days are filled with dreams of what you’ll name your babies and sitting on the porch swing holding hands while watching your grand-kids play in the yard.  You are certain these feelings will last forever.  But they didn’t.

One morning you wake up, look at your spouse and don’t even recognize them anymore.  She has gained weight since having babies.  He’s going bald.  She has wrinkles.  And when did he start growing so much hair in his ears?  You begin to wonder if you even married the right person.  The person you are married to isn’t the same person you fell in love with.  You begin to doubt your choice.  You look at other couples around you, so happily in love, and you wonder why you don’t have that.  You watch romantic movies and long for what they have.  You feel life isn’t fair, at least yours isn’t.  Before long, you can feel your heart slowly drifting away from your spouse.  You crave the fireworks attraction you used to have.

You were so certain those first feelings would last forever.  But they didn’t.  You feel your happily ever after wearing off.

How can God expect you to stay married to someone you aren’t attracted to anymore?

Aging and our bodies changing is a part of life.  I know very few people who look the same in their 40s as they did in their 20s.  As we age our metabolism slows down.  People naturally gain weight, and it becomes much harder to keep it off.  As we age we are simply not as attractive as we were in our early twenties.  We get wrinkles.  We get moles.  We get stretch marks.  Skin sags, even if you’re in great shape.  We get cellulite.  Our bodies change as we experience joy, pain, life, death, victory, heartache and time.  These are all facts.  To look the same now as I did 22 years ago would require a vast amount of work.  And in the end, I still wouldn’t look the same.

With that being said, here are a few things to consider.

We are to delight in each other

Part of loving your man is being as attractive as you can be.  After all, you’re the only woman he’s allowed to look at.  I try to always have a hair style and hair color I know my husband likes.  I also try to wear outfits that I’ve heard him say he liked.  For example, I know he prefers that I wear a t-shirt and jeans.  Praise Jesus he doesn’t prefer dresses!  And when we go anywhere together, I always try to look my best, by doing my hair and makeup, so that he can be proud to have me on his arm.

Regardless of your size, you are still beautiful!  I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of the worlds beauty standards, and think since you’re not a size 2 then what is the use.  Let me encourage you to fight the frump y’all.  Get dressed in your best.  Choose clothing that flatters your body.  So much of being sexy is about attitude, not just what we look like!  Exuding confidence is sexy!  If you’re passionate with your husband, and you present yourself well, you’re choosing to love him.

But remember, the same grace you want your husband to offer you for your appearance is also what you should offer him for his.  And just maybe him seeing how much effort you’ve put into your appearance will spark a desire in him to do the same.

A side-note to the men…you are instructed in the Bible to always delight in your wife, not only when you find her appearance desirable.  Proverbs 5:19 says Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight.  This means even if gravity has taken a toll.

You don’t need the perfect body to have amazing sex

Sex as part of marriage is important to God.  Sex is one of the ways a man and a woman are bound together by God in a covenant relationship for life.  Sex is supposed to bring us closer together in different ways – spiritually, physically, emotionally.  Physical is only one aspect.  And when we put so much emphasis on needing the perfect body in order to make love we’ve lost the point. We’ve cheapened sex.

Let’s take a closer look at 1 Corinthians 7:3-5…

³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I think “do not deprive” is an important part of these verses, and we have to look further into what that translates to.  The biblical definition of deprive is to take away; to put an end; to destroy.  This implies that there should be a healthy level of sexual activity, that this is a legitimate need and depriving our spouse of it could destroy them and in essence our marriage.  This isn’t something that is optional in marriage.  And it isn’t something that should be minimized or used as a weapon, either.

Be cautious of your spouses confidence

Robert Frost said Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.  In our hearts, we crave that our spouses would desire us and be attracted to us.  If you tell your spouse you aren’t attracted to them, that is absolutely devastating and so hard to recover from.  We’re supposed to delight in our spouses, not tear them down.

If your wife has gained weight since having babies, ask her to walk with you in the evenings.  If your husband has hair growing in his ears or out of control eyebrows, ask him if you could trim them.  Try to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Pursue intimacy

I have a feeling if you truly pursued intimacy with your spouse, that the attraction would return.  If you aren’t sure where to start, read my post 16 Ways To Make Your Marriage Sizzle.  To keep intimacy alive you have to desire it.  You have to want it.  You have to be deliberate about it.  You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goal.  You have to engage your heart fully in the joyful pursuit.

If you are experiencing this issue, here is my challenge to you.  Remember why you feel in love with your spouse to begin with.  Pray to have eyes that crave them.  Pray for sexual intimacy with them and then intentionally pursue them.  Explore sex and the fullness of it.

And as for the question if God expects you to stay in this marriage, I think another blog post I wrote will help answer that.  It’s called Is Your Marriage Worth Saving.  Once you’ve read it, take some time to just pour your heart out to God.  As your love story is written by the ultimate Author of love, you might just be surprised at the romance you find.