The past year I’ve dove deeper into chronic illness, and the diagnosis’s seem to pile up. It’s all so new, yet so familiar.
I will tuck my hand into my husbands and walk into a new doctors office, sit shoulder to shoulder with smiling strangers all fighting their own terrifying battle.
I can always count on each new hospital to be bathed in white, to have the same beeps and dings ringing throughout and to have the same sterile smell.
And I will always feel guilt.
In the middle of a seemingly normal day, it will wash over me like the warm summer rain.
Something I often feel but seldom speak about because, in all honesty, I feel guilty about guilt.
It can come in seeing chores you used to do faithfully now seem like an insurmountable task. It can come in seeing a loved ones eyes filled with concern and fear over your illness. It can come in well-meaning comments from others just come off a little stingy. It can come in the quiet of the day when you’re left alone with your thoughts.
I feel guilt that my children don’t remember their Mama before she was sick. I feel guilt that my husband got dealt a sick wife that he has to take care of. I feel guilt that I can’t be the housewife I once was. I feel guilt that my loved ones worry so much about me, even though they hide their tears from me. I feel guilt because I have imposed on the lives of people that I love in ways that are not fair to any of them.
And then I feel guilt because I’m a Christian, and I know without a doubt God has wrote this journey for me. We are meant to be shiny happy people radiating His love to all who pass us. We are to be beacons of light not sobbing over not feeling well enough to cook dinner.
I could honestly go on and on with reasons I feel guilty, and I’m sure you can add to the list as well.
But there are a few things I need to remind myself of, some days minute by minute, to combat the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
God chose me.
He hand-picked me to carry these chronic illnesses because He trusts me to remain faithful in the middle of every trial. He knows I will give Him all the glory. He chose me to walk this path for a reason. I always remind myself that reason may be that someone else needs to watch my walk. They need to see my testimony during the storm. They need to see “Not I, but Christ”.
Seek out blessings and joy.
So many times we want joy, but not trails. We want faith, but not testing.
Y’all, I’m going to be honest, I’ve thought many times how much easier my life would be without pain, without surgeries, without loneliness and without financial hardships.
But God often uses the hard to refine us. To transform us into the person we were created to be in the first place. More like Him.
My life isn’t over, it’s just different.
I’m still here. I’m still alive. I’m still able to laugh with my kids. I’m still able to go on dates with my husband. I’m still able to walk next door and visit with my parents. Yes, my days look different but my life is very much from over.
Those who love us understand.
They just love us unconditionally. They don’t see us as the inconvenience we feel like we are. If that means taking more breaks on a shopping day or visiting while you lay on the couch, they are perfectly fine with that.
God loves me.
God loves all of us extravagantly. And He’s not finished with a single one of us. The fact is, He has a sovereign plan that is for good and not evil. For joy and not sorrow. He is writing a story of on-going redemption with each of our lives. Our lives are woven together through seasons. It’s one person’s season to experience this. And another person’s season to experience that. Neither is loved more. Neither is more dispensable.
Let me assure you that our Heavenly Father is aware of all of our struggles, of the guilt and shame you carry daily, and He is reaching out to you with His loving hand. He is ready and willing to wrap His arms around all of us. He wants to carry and comfort us through our hard, through the seasons that are exhausting and guilt filled. I encourage you to let Him. Reach up and let go. Let Him carry of all your guilt, shame, worry and concern for you. There will be days you’ll have to continually give it to Him. The peace He gives you in return is unlike any other.
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