Just Between Us | Friendship

Ironically enough, I woke up that morning feeling brave.

I was exhausted and sick, not knowing why my body was fighting against me.  But amidst the chaotic, returning doctors phone calls and pouring over test results, kind of day, a passion stirred in my heart at the thought of being brave and telling my best friend how much I missed her.

I had thought of sending her flowers with a cute note, or writing her a letter that expressed just how very much our friendship had meant to me over the years.  But I settled on sending her a Facebook message expressing my feelings.

I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at my desk to begin my message.  A smile graced my lips as I thought of all the great times we had together, and I recalled them to her in my message.

As I bravely pushed send, and saw those familiar three bouncing dots pop up, I just knew she was going to return my sweet words with ones of her own.  And we would happily plan our next get together.

When the message appeared on my screen, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.

“Have you thought of getting a job so you aren’t so lonely?”

She went on to say how my “neediness” was just a little bit too much for her.

I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.  My heart was so, so hurt.

That was the day our friendship died.

I experienced that deep-down, soul-altering, barely-can-breathe kind of grief that only comes through a heart-wrenching break up of a friendship.  It cut to the core, once again I was rejected.  It was almost as if I heard her whisper, “You aren’t good enough”.

The breakup with my best friend was one of the hardest, saddest valleys I’ve ever walked through.  The pain was real, and deep.  The tears would come without warning.  The waves of anger and confusion would crash daily.  My heart was shattered, and I felt so alone.

Female friendships can be hard.

Can I get an Amen?

I grew up as an only child.  Because I didn’t have siblings to love on or fight with, I clung to my friendships even tighter.  My friends were my siblings.  I grew up being absolutely devoted to my friends.  Having that mindset makes it even more difficult to lose a friend.

Relationships are important to all of us, whether we admit it or not.  They’re a gift and a responsibility from God.  But how can we build that relationship into a friendship that will last a lifetime?  I was yearning for what Anne of Green Gables calls a bosom friend.

God created women to crave deep personal relationships, so our friendships are a huge part of who we are.  Chances are, right now you’re either smiling because you’re thinking about your own best friend or you’re feeling sad because you wish you one.  Either way, your heart connects with the idea of friendship.

Friends are the family we choose for our self.  Isn’t that such a great feeling?  Friendships often produce the tightest bonds and greatest loyalties.  We walk through life with our friends.  They help shape our character, cheer us on from the sidelines and silently hug us while we cry.  We meet them at all different seasons of life; some have been with us since we were just wee ones and others we encounter later down the road.  No matter how they’ve entered our life, friendship is a gift from God.

Friendships, as with any relationship, have highs and lows.  There are times when the friendship might become strained or rifts might be created.  Perhaps there was a misunderstanding, unexpected act of disloyalty or a circumstance changed.  Suddenly, this person who we shared our life with now seems to be a stranger.  And if we all were truthful, we are hurt.  Really hurt.

Is the friendship lost for good?  Or is there a chance it can be saved?  There might be a little window of opportunity where reconciliation seems reachable.  When that happens, your first instinct is to grab onto it.  At the time though, it’s hard to see through the haze of hurt feelings.  The unspoken words and presumptions seems to echo throughout your mind.  When that happens we find it difficult to walk the path of restoration.  Have you found yourself at that place?  I think we all have at one time or another.

Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.  1 Samuel 20:42

How beautiful is that?  I mean, that’s Hallmark movie stuff right there. We have sworn friendship to each other in the name of the Lord. Doesn’t that just make you smile and make your heart happy?  Yeah, me too.  How many of us crave a friendship like that?  Those true, genuine friendships are one of life’s real blessings.

But how, how do you get a beautiful Anne of Green Gables worthy friendship?

Don’t assume there’s something wrong with you. When a friendship changes, it’s easy to look inward and ask yourself what you did wrong.  Instead look upward and assume that for now, God simply wants your attention elsewhere. Trust Jesus with your reputation as well as this situation.

Don’t be afraid to reach out first. This one is hard for me.  Whether I want to admit it or not, this girl can be so proud!  That certainly isn’t an endearing quality. God’s Word has much to say about pride.  When we love our relationships, we should have no room for pride and arrogance to creep in.  Regardless of who is to blame, when we are really serious about reconciling a friendship, we put aside our pride and sometimes that means being the first one to take the step towards restoration.  It might mean being the first one to apologize, even if you don’t know what you’re apologizing for.  Ask yourself how important restoration is to you.

Keep your circle broken.  I read this once and thought it was so beautiful.  We’ve all walked in to a room and saw circles of friends, circles that had no room in them for us.  Don’t be that person, keep your circle broken and always allow room for one more.  It reminds me never to be content in being comfortable with the friends I already have but to look for ways to be a friend to others who need one.

Let bygones be bygones. Those thoughts of revenge?  Not in this relationship!  And rehashing the issues over and over again?  No way!  They need disposed of.  With all that gone, God will start to work in both your hearts.  That’s how we need to be when we reconcile relationships.  Does God keep throwing our sins in our face?  Nope. He isn’t keeping tabs and neither should we. When you have finally decided to let it go, kick it out the door.  There is no need to pick it back up again.

Be friendly.  The easiest way to make friends is honestly to smile and be friendly.  I know it’s scary and risky, but we have to be willing to take that risk.  Talk to the new girl in your Moms group, invite your elderly lady to bible study and smile at that worn out Mama in the grocery line.  You never know who is looking for a warm smile, a kind face and a spot in your circle.

Be patient. Girl, if there is something I’m not good at it’s patience.  But we have to give friendship time to grow.  So many times we scare people away by setting our expectations too high too soon.  Give yourself time to get to know each other before you share the deeper things in your life.  When you give anyone some of your heart to a friend, you are giving that person a precious gift.  You want to make sure you are presenting it to someone who will treasure it.

I am so thankful to have an amazing group of girlfriends, my heart sisters, who I feel totally at home with. Some go back as far as when we were babies and our Mamas were best friends. I love friendships where there is a mutual felt sense of being able to truly relax, be ourselves and know that neither of us would do anything to harm the other. It just feels safe.  It’s like being wrapped in a fuzzy, warm blanket on a cold, winter’s day.

I would love to hear from you, what has helped you to navigate through friendships?