The Worst Breakup

Ironically enough, I woke up that morning feeling brave.

I was exhausted and sick, not knowing why my body was fighting against me.  But amidst the chaotic day of returning doctors phone calls and pouring over test results, a passion stirred in my heart at the thought of being brave and telling my best friend how much I missed her.

I had thought of sending her flowers with a cute note, or writing her a letter that expressed just how very much our friendship had meant to me over the years.  But I settled on the easiest way, sending her a Facebook message expressing my feelings.

I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at my desk to begin my message.  A smile graced my lips as I thought of all the great times we had together, and I recalled them to her in my message.

As I bravely pushed send, and saw those familiar three bouncing dots pop up, I just knew she was going to return my sweet words with ones of her own.  And we would happily plan our next get together of chatting over coffee.

When the message appeared on my screen, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.

“Have you thought of getting a job so you aren’t so lonely?”

I blinked my eyes, thinking I had read it wrong.  And re-read it again.

She went on to say how my “neediness” was just a little bit too much for her.

I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.  My heart was broken.

That was the day our friendship died.

Breakups happen daily, with both sides left to pick up the pieces.  Breakups are gross.  And we can talk through every side until there is not one detail left unsaid.

But you know what we don’t talk about enough?

When friendships break up.

It all fell apart over a three-month period.  I could feel her pulling away.  It didn’t matter how funny or sweet or kind I was, she continually drifted away.  I watched new friends take my spot at her kitchen table, using the coffee cup that had been dubbed mine.  I watched her tag other girls in friendship posts on Facebook, never once mentioning me.

But years of deep friendship ended and the ripping apart felt the way a sheet looks when it is torn in two.  Shredded.  Loud.  Sudden.  Jagged.

Of all the romantic breakups in my life, none have come close to hurting the way a breakup with a best friend hurt. I didn’t know a feeling like that could exist. It was breathtaking, but in an absolutely terrible way.

I experienced that deep-down, soul-altering, barely-can-breathe kind of grief that only comes through a heart-wrenching break up of a friendship.  It cut to the core, once again I was rejected.  It was almost as if I heard her whisper, “You aren’t good enough”.

The breakup with my best friend was one of the hardest, saddest valleys I’ve ever walked through.  The pain was real, and deep.  The tears would come without warning.  The waves of anger and confusion would crash daily.  My heart was shattered and I felt so alone.

And after the dust settled, I didn’t know who to talk with and I didn’t know what to feel and I didn’t know what to call what had just happened.

We each have our person, the one we run to when life gets messy.  But who do you talk to when things are broken with your person?

I was afraid to talk about the breakup with others.  I was afraid of being labeled a gossip or wacky or needy or clingy or overly invested.  And I didn’t want to be judged for being brokenhearted over an ended friendship.  Breakups hurt, whether you were in love with someone or just loved by them.

How do you begin to heal your heart from a breakup that no one else would label a breakup?

The only place I knew to run to without being judged for my feelings, and my heartbreak, was to God.  I ran to Him quickly, and daily.  And in that gap between my heartbreak and His healing, I chose to trust His timing.

Female friendships can be hard.  Amen!

I grew up as an only child.  Because I didn’t have siblings to love on or fight with, I clung to my friendships even tighter.  My friends were my siblings.  I grew up being absolutely devoted to my friends.  Having that mindset makes it even more difficult to lose a friend.

Relationships are important to all of us, whether we admit it or not.  They’re a gift and a responsibility from God.  But how can we build that relationship into a friendship that will last a lifetime?

I have always yearned for what Anne of Green Gables calls a bosom friend.

God created women to crave deep personal relationships, so our friendships are a huge part of who we are.  Chances are, right now you’re either smiling because you’re thinking about your own best friend or you’re feeling sad because you wish you one.  Either way, your heart connects with the idea of friendship.

Friends are the family we choose for our self.  Isn’t that such a great feeling?  Friendships often produce the tightest bonds and greatest loyalties.  We walk through life with our friends.  They help shape our character, cheer us on from the sidelines and silently hug us while we cry.  We meet them at all different seasons of life; some have been with us since we were just wee ones and others we encounter later down the road.  No matter how they’ve entered our life, friendship is a gift from God.

Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.  1 Samuel 20:42

How beautiful is that?  I mean, that’s Hallmark movie stuff right there. We have sworn friendship to each other in the name of the Lord. Doesn’t that just make your heart happy?  How many of us crave a friendship like that?  Those true, genuine friendships are one of life’s real blessings!

My breakup happened three years ago.  And though I wish I could tell you I’m over it, there are still days it breaks my heart all over again.  On those days, I lay it once again at my Fathers feet.

But I will tell you this, years later, I realize wholeheartedly it was what was best for me. While I hate that the friendship ended (and it absolutely ended), I don’t regret what came of it.  Once that friendship was stripped away, it revealed in me that it wasn’t healthy.  And Jesus needed a wide path to heal some things in me.

Through my heartache He made beauty from those ashes.

The more I say out loud, “the hardest breakup of my life was with a friend,” the more teary-eyes I see from other women.  More of us have walked through this than you probably know.  You are not alone if your heart is broken over a friendship.  And you should talk about it.

And while I can’t fix it for you, and I can’t take away your heartache, I can tell you this.

Don’t be afraid to call it a breakup.

Don’t be afraid to talk about it.

Run directly to Him.  He wants to hold your broken heart in His hands and with His loving grace, piece it back together.

And somehow, in ways we don’t get, it will be beautiful.