Cultivating a Good Marriage

For years, I’ve felt God calling me to help restore marriages.  I remember telling my husband how I felt God was giving me a heart for marriage, especially ones in crisis.  But I wasn’t sure what that call meant or how I would help them.  I have since settled into the fact that, for now, my blog is my answer.

With social media our private lives are more public than they’ve ever been.  And because of that many couples focus more on preparing a picture-perfect wedding day than they do their future marriage.  The thought of online friends ogling over our wedding pictures is more important than having a future financial plan or knowing how we will face disagreements.

We are no strangers to storybook romance.  Marrying at 20 and 22, we are blessed to be familiar with this form of love – love as a falling and a pursuit and a passion.  We were introduced for the first time on a cold February evening, bundled up as we stood outside while snow gently fell around us.  We stood there with our cherry-red noses, enamored with each other.

One month later we were engaged.

Three months later we were married, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

We haven’t been together over half of our lives by chance.  We have put the work needed in to get to where we are today.  And by work I mean overcoming some really hard, in the trenches times.

Recently, we’ve looked back on our nearly 25 years of marriage and discussed not only why but how we got to where we are.  And how we could help others get there as well.

Through those conversations we’ve made a list of things God has taught us throughout the ridiculously blessed, hard years we’ve been married.  I pray they help you cultivate a marriage that not only rejoices in the good seasons, but also perseveres when things feel out of control.

• Keep God at the center of your marriage.  This is a lesson we learned the hard way. Marriage is difficult. Actually, difficult is an understatement.  Let’s be real here, there are going to be days you hope he chokes on his cereal.  The hardness of marriage is obvious when you see how many couples end in divorce. It’s two imperfect people living together, failing daily. The only way to make your marriage truly work is to center it on Christ. You have to rely on God for wisdom, power, love and strength for your marriage.  And forgiveness, for that one time you hoped he would choke.
• Allow him to lead without stepping in the way.  This was a hard lesson for this stubborn, independent girl to learn.  Um, hello…I took the words honor and obey out of my marriage vows. I know, not my most shining moment.  I would tell him I wanted him to lead but in the next breath tell him he wasn’t doing it right.  Sure as the sun rises and sets, I’d step in and take over.  I wish I could say it was easy for me to stop doing this, but I’m stubborn.  And it took lots (read this as an abnormal amount) of life lessons from God and probably the toughest heart work He’s ever done.
• Don’t bad mouth your husband in front of your children or anyone else.  So help me, do not talk bad about him to others ever!  Build that man up.  Let him know that he is adequate, enough and that he has your respect.  The world will be cruel enough. Make sure he knows he always has a friend in you.  Not long ago my husband came home and simply said “thank you”.  He had spent time listening to others complain about their spouse, and he was grateful that he is able to trust I wouldn’t do that.
• Don’t put your kids first.  Hear me out on this one. Don’t allow your mothering to take precedence over your marriage. Is being a Mama important? Well, absolutely! Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man. I’ve watched marriages suffer because the kids were made top priority. The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like strangers. You have to nourish your marriage!
• Never stop trying to improve your marriage.  We’ve been married for nearly 25 gloriously hard years, and we are still looking for ways to improve.  Keep reading, keep learning, keep improving and don’t ever get comfortable and let your guard down.  If one thing doesn’t work, try something else.  The best advice I’ve heard is to run your marriage like a business.  Successful businesses are successful because of the amazing foundation they’re built on.  I also think business meetings for your marriage are a great idea!  I purchased The Marriage Journal written by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff, and I would highly recommend it as a tool for weekly meetings with your spouse!  The journal has 6 questions that you will ask each other, and record your answers to, once a week. Each week also includes a devotional to help foster good conversation.  There is a week long calendar page for you and your spouse to communicate about events, appointments, social gatherings, and big to-do’s in the upcoming week.  You can purchase the journal HERE.
• Let others know he is yours.  I don’t mean buy him one of those “I love my wife” shirts and making him wear it every other day.  Although once upon a time I may have bought my husband that exact shirt.  I am one of those Facebook posters that loudly proclaims my love for my husband.  Even though it’s possibly obnoxious I just can’t help it, I love that sweet man and I want everyone to know it.  And I want my husband to know that I am so proud to say he is mine.
• Sex is important. No, it’s not everything…but it’s one notch below.  God designed sex and marriage to go hand in hand.  God intended sex to create a oneness within our marriage.  We don’t want to feel deprived and neither do our spouses.  I read a book a few years ago that was a sex game changer and I highly recommend it to all married couples.  It was Intimacy Ignited by Dr. Joseph and Linda Dillow and Dr. Peter and Lorraine Pintus.  Also, The Passion Principles by Shannon Ethridge.  You can also check out my posts from my Ignite Intimacy series here.  Sex is one of the ways a man and a woman are bound together by God in a covenant relationship for life.  The Bible is clear that God sees sex as holy and sacred.  God designed sex to be experienced within marriage so that it could be about intimacy, connection and truly knowing one another on a deeper level.
• Never stop dating. We take every opportunity we can to sneak a date in.  Sometimes it’s just to get groceries and sometimes it’s a weekend away.  Date nights can keep you connected as a couple, which is especially good if you have kids.  When our kids were little most date nights looked like putting them to bed early, having some yummy snacks and snuggling in for a movie or two.  Dates don’t have to be expensive and over-the-top to be meaningful.
• Most fights are over stupid things. Honestly, stupid things that don’t really even matter.  I once spent an entire day furious at my husband for buying me the wrong value meal from McDonald’s.  I mean, after this long he should know what I like…right?  I could fill this blog post and four others with the absolutely ridiculous, stupid things I’ve gotten mad over.  When I was younger (okay, and even sometimes now) I always wanted to prove my point and have the last word.  I’ve learned it’s more important to prove your love than your point. And what’s the best way to do that?  Not arguing over dumb things.  And eating that burger, even though it has onions on it, and you hate onions, and he should know that.
• Thank him.  We all like to be appreciated and know that what we do doesn’t go unnoticed.  An attitude of gratitude creates a positive environment.  Some nights before we go to sleep, I simply thank him for loving me.
• Never stop pursuing him. Write him love notes and tuck them in his lunchbox.  Send him a racy text (I highly suggest knowing the location of his phone before this one).  Tell him how much you appreciate him.  Buy the stinkin’ lingerie that he likes on you, even if you feel it’s a waste of money.  Kiss him and hold his hand, even if you’re in a horribly long checkout line at WalMart.  Pursue that mans heart daily.
• Don’t be disrespectful.  Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33  I have read this verse over and over again trying to find a loophole.  There isn’t one.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it. God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband. And for the love of all, do not talk bad about him to others ever!  I know I already said this above but y’all, it’s important!  Not even to your Mama.
• Have fun together! One thing I can say about my husband and I is we know how to have fun, and laugh while doing anything!  Some of it may be at inappropriate times and places but at least we’re laughing.  You need to make sure you have fun together too!  Fun is a key ingredient to a successful friendship and marriage.  No one wants to spend time with a Debbie Downer (or someone that gets super mad over onions on their burger).  Laugh.  And laugh.  And laugh some more.
• Pray with him.  I have always loved slipping my hand into my husbands when the Pastor prays before the sermon.  It just feels special, intimate and right.  Praying together reminds you of your oneness. When you pray as a couple, you are communicating with God and each other. You can learn so much about one another by sharing prayer requests and listening to each other pray.
• Don’t discuss divorce.  Never treat it as if it’s even an option.
• Apologize and forgive.  When we were first married this girl had a hard time saying I’m sorry.  Even when I knew I was wrong those words would never cross my lips.  Through the years I’ve realized how important it is to apologize.  Not only that, but also to forgive.  God wants our love to be sweet, soft-hearted and lovely. And He wants it overflowing with forgiveness. By offering forgiveness, we are offering the grace that God has given us. Don’t cling to prior offenses, tucking them in your pocket to use later. Simply wipe the slate clean as soon as the offense happens. This will not only set your husband free, but you as well.

Remember, there are no perfect marriages.  Even if you see a couple on social media that seems to have it all together, they’ve undoubtedly spent time in the messy trenches of life too.

Love is strung together choices.  The feelings, undoubtedly, will rise and fall.  Eventually the toughness of life becomes a reality.  As life goes on we all change, we grow, we mature and life changes us.  But marriage is not meant to be a lifetime commitment to unrealistic social media love alone.  Marriage is designed to be a repetitive I do, a daily commitment of choosing us over me.  There is something so precious about struggling together and coming out on the other side hand-in-hand.

Dear friend, if your marriage is struggling and you would like me to pray for you, please email me and let’s chat!