Healing From Church Hurt

I recently came to the realization that a specific trauma, and my lack of speaking on it, is possibly why I’ve had such a hard time blogging for the past few years.  I’ve blamed it on my health, my grief and my pain.  But last week God made it quite clear what the reason was, and told me what to do with it.

Church hurt.

Unfortunately, it’s a term mostly all of us are familiar with.  If you have been a part of a church for any length of time, you have likely either known someone who experienced it, or you’ve experienced it yourself.  It could have been something you were able to easily move on from or it could have caused irreparable damage.

It seems since 2020 we’ve heard story after story of hurt, trauma and abuse at the hands of trusted churches.  Covid, and the subsequent closing of church doors, gave many of us the opportunity to really spend time unpacking religion.  In the process, the trauma we had experienced rose to the surface.

Many of us lifelong churchgoers invest a lot of our lives into the work of the church.  We serve.  We teach.  We give.  We clean.  We show up early and stay late.  We intertwine our lives with those of the church body.  We don’t do this for recognition, but out of our love for Jesus.

When the church you attend feels like home, being wounded by those you considered family hits differently.  It stings more, cuts deeper and lasts longer.  Sadly, many of us have experienced that deep hurt.

The road to healing feels long and exhausting and at times impossible.  It’s full of questions, doubt and oh-so-many tears.  You make your way through what feels like every emotion…anger, grief, shock, sadness, fear, confusion and so many more.

But, then God.

Though the road to healing is long, there is hope.  It’s the hope we can only find in Jesus.

The way forward hasn’t been easy, or quick, but it has been filled with God’s grace.  God is gracious toward us in suffering, and He works graciously in us through suffering.  His grace empowers us and gives us the ability to go beyond what we could on our own.  His grace shows us how to show love, how to give grace to those who have hurt us and to those in His Body who have had nothing to do with hurting us.

One thing that He has reminded me of time and time again is that the church is fully comprised of imperfect people who have been called together by the perfect one, Jesus.  If we put our faith in people, they will always fail us.  But if we put our faith in Jesus, He never will.  In Matthew 16, Jesus told Peter that He would build His church on one thing.  This one thing wasn’t the perfection of people but the faith they have in Him.

If you grew up in the church as I did, you know we are called to fellowship with the Body of Christ.  1 Corinthians 12:12 says, “For just as the body is one and has many parts, and all the parts of that body, though many, are one body—so also is Christ.”

Jesus experienced hurt from people throughout His whole life and yet He never wavered in His call to be in community.  Just think of that, He never let hurt or anger determine His fellowshipping.  He loved unconditionally and served joyfully despite what His human feelings may have been leading Him to do.

I’m going to be honest, forgiveness isn’t something that comes easily for me.  I have to spend a lot, and I mean A LOT, of time talking to God about it and be very intentional in forgiving someone.  In Colossians 3:13 we’re told “Bear with one another and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.“  We are to offer forgiveness because God has forgiven us.  That one is ouchie, isn’t it?  I have to intentionally choose forgiveness with my entire heart.  I have to put my hurt, anger and brokenness in His hands and leave it there.  When I do, His loving beauty pours in.

When I think of forgiving someone, I’m often reminded of a verse my sweet Dad often quote to me.  When I would be really mad at someone, he’d remind me of Matthew 18:21-22 where it says “Then Peter came up to Him and said, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven”.

Though we are called to forgive, that doesn’t also mean reconcile.  Forgiveness and reconciliation are separate concepts, they don’t go hand-in-hand.  The difference between forgiveness and reconciliation is that forgiveness requires nothing from the person we’re forgiving.  They don’t even have to know we are forgiving them.  And forgiveness might look like you walking away.

We are not responsible for other peoples actions, but we are responsible for our reactions.  Our reactions shouldn’t be angry or hateful, though if I’m being honest that is my first gut reaction.  Instead, we should show them kindness even when we don’t want to.  We should offer them grace, be patient and forgiving when it’s easier not to.

If you are also healing from church hurt, I want you to know I understand.  Eventually you will find another church that feels like home when you walk through the doors.  You will find sweet fellowship.  You will smile and raise your hands in praise.  Trust me, but more importantly trust Him.