Today we’re going to discuss what your husband wants in bed.  Now clearly I am not a man and I can’t say with certainly exactly what is in your husbands head.  But I feel with the research I’ve done and through extensive talks with my own husband, we can dive into this topic.

Archibald Hart, the author of The Sexual Man (Nashville: W Publishing Group, 1994) took a poll of 150 Christian married men, 83 percent stated that they don’t believe that women understand a man’s sex drive.  So let’s talk about that first.

May you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always; may you ever be captivated by her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19

God designed your husband’s brain to cherish you and to be enthralled with your body.  The definition I found of enthralled is so beautiful.  It means to be fascinated with, filled with delight and wonder at something, to the point where time seems to stand still.  Imagine when your husband looks at your body it takes his breath away and time stands still.

God has also made a man’s body to highly enjoy and desire sex.  And they are also very visual.

Husbands feel alone with their secrets and desires; they are at a loss about how to communicate this to their wives.  For many men, their attempts to share their desires with their wives have been met with disinterest or even at times anger.  We can’t just pretend their sexuality doesn’t exist.

So today, I want us to dive into what our men want.

They want us to want them

They want to feel that we want them.  Not just to never say no to them, but to say yes to them in our hearts.  They don’t want us to treat it as just another chore alongside laundry and dishes.  They want us to want them with all we have, our heart soul and mind.

He wants to be desired sexually, not feel like he’s reluctantly serviced.  Your husband doesn’t want you to have sex with him because you feel guilty; he wants you to want to be with him!  He doesn’t want to feel like the only time he can be with his wife sexually is out of obligation or pity.

He is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend.  Song of Solomon 5:16

They want us to show up

He doesn’t want a wife who simply goes through the motions, isn’t engaged or is mentally preparing her grocery list.  Imagine how sad you would be if he went on a date with you but complained the entire time and said he couldn’t wait until it was over.  He doesn’t want you to approach sex like that either.  They love when we are engaged and show that we enjoy it and want to be there just as much as they do.

They want us to be confident

Exuding confidence is something men find sexy.  In fact I would go as far to say confidence matters more than looks.  Confidence is a real key to having sex appeal!

If you don’t feel confident, fake it.  They say it only takes 30 days to build a habit.  And what better habit to acquire than confidence!

If you’ve read my previous post on making your marriage sizzle, there are some tips in that post for confidence.  Here are a few more tips:

• Wear something that you feel confident in.  It could be anything from red lipstick to jeans that make your butt look good to lingerie that makes you feel extra sassy and sexy.
• Use confident body language.  If you aren’t exactly sure what to do, practice in front of a mirror.  Walking, eye contact and a sexy smirk are all examples of confident body language.
• Use confident self-talk.  Remind yourself of scriptures that tell of your worth.  Tell yourself you are beautiful and feminine and sexy because God made you that way!

They want us to be satisfied

Husbands want their wives to enjoy sex.  In fact most husbands will hold off their own pleasure until she is fulfilled.  A husband’s satisfaction is wrapped up in his ability to send his wife into ecstasy.  Ask your husband how much he enjoys pleasing you, I bet he would say it’s at the top of his list.

From the sexual pleasure standpoint, God is an equal opportunity provider.   God designed both men and women to be able to orgasm.  With vulnerable communication on both ends, it’s absolutely possible to achieve that every time.

They want us to take the reigns

Sharing in the responsibility and privilege of initiating sex is a great thing!  Again, it shows them that we want them.

Here are a few ways you can initiate sex:

• Just tell him.  This one seems obvious, but there are so many ways you can do it.  Either with your voice, a racy text, the tone of your voice, create a code word or write him a note and hide it where you know he’ll find it.  There are great opportunities to be romantic or funny or charming or erotic with your words.
• Show him.  A little butt pat, steamy kiss or crotch grab will get your point across loud and clear.  And it will be the signal to get him thinking what you’re thinking.
• Give a gift.  Think of ways you could use tokens of love to show your husband he rocks your world when it comes to sex!

I hope through this post you gained a little insight into your husband and his desires.  Make sure to come back next Friday for another post in our series on intimacy!

The silent burden you’re carrying seems too heavy to lift some days.  The hurt, the extreme hurt, seems to reach directly down to your bones.  The knife stabbing pains of a broken heart.  There are days where the pain literally takes away your ability to breathe.

Things that once looked so familiar to you now look like things you don’t even recognize.  The coffee pot he made coffee in each morning while he was lying to you.  The couch you snuggled on while watching TV while he was lying to you.  The stairs you both walked up to your bedroom while he was lying to you.  The socks he put on each morning while he was lying to you.  Literally every single item in your house is filled with lies.  And as you glance around each day, that is what you see.

Some might tell you to take comfort in knowing you aren’t suffering alone, that there are so many other women across the world walking this same path.  You find no comfort in that.  None.  Truth is the valley you are walking through is dark, cold, lonely and so very scary.  Along the path is hurt, anger and bitterness.

Let me speak directly to your heart sweet girl.  God wants to hold your broken heart in His hands.  That is the only way.  Listen to my words and let me say it again…that is the ONLY way.  He can heal your broken heart and He will heal it.  But first, you must give Him all the pieces.  The challenge is first finding all of the pieces.  Like shards of broken glass, the pieces weave themselves so very deep into our hearts.  And Satan is right there, breaking the pieces smaller and hiding them better.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds
Psalm 147:3

The pain touches a deep, vulnerable place often known only to God.  When hurting is the only thing you can feel, it is such a lonely place to be.  So many times when we are going through pain, we are told to get over it, move on and let it go.  They don’t understand how slow this hurt heals.  The world offers so many ways to numb the pain, but they are only temporary fixes.  Please oh please don’t fall for that trap.  If we turn to them, then we aren’t allowing God to heal our hurt.  Allowing Him to search and heal our hearts is the only true way to have them healed.  Only He knows the deepness and complexity of our pain.

Psalm 56:8 says You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  Our tears are not in vain.  God knows each of His children intimately, and every tear we shed has meaning to Him.  He remembers our sorrow.  And in the end, He will share His joy with us.  Revelation 21:4 says He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.  Sweet girl, find comfort in that.  Not only does He know your sorrow, but He will wipe every tear from our eyes.  Don’t suffer through your grief alone.  Don’t be unwilling to be vulnerable with God.  Give Him your heart, hand it over to Him to search and find all those little pieces of hurt and allow His hands to heal it as only He can.

Search me O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way
Psalm 139:23-24

In Scripture, unfaithfulness is the only “acceptable” reason for dissolving a marriage.  But I want to tell you today that even this betrayal, the ultimate betrayal, doesn’t have to result in divorce.

When it feels like all hope is lost, hand that relationship over to God.  It’s so easy to make rash decisions while our heart is broken.  Many days, divorce sounds like the best and sometimes easiest option.  Hand it over to Him, pray about it and search out biblical council.  Cling to God like never before and allow Him to carry you through it.

God has a beautiful reconciliation full of grace planned for you.  Often times the relationship, once it has endured the storm, will come out of it stronger and new.  Through all the conversations, all the deepness, you now know each other differently.  This is the blessing of true healing from the hands of God.  At times, taking it day by day seems like such a big task.  Just take it minute by minute, and allow His grace to carry you through each one.

This reconciliation needs to be two-sided.  If the unfaithfulness is still continuing or if they aren’t repentful, I would highly encourage you to seek Biblical counsel.  Speak to your Pastor or an elder in your church that you trust.  Spend time in prayer asking God to direct your decision.

If you’ve experienced betrayal in your marriage, you may have a few reservations about bringing sex back into the relationship.  I think that is understandable and a normal fear.

How do you even begin to entertain the thought of sexual intimacy with him when he’s been unfaithful?  How do you move on?  How do you move back into the intimacy that was unfairly taken from you?

Forgiveness

The hurt just seems too big to ever get past.  The pressure to forgive quickly is strong in this high-speed world we live in.

Forgiveness isn’t a feeling—it’s a choice we make.  Depending on the size of the break in trust, forgiveness may be a process and can’t be rushed.  If you’ve accepted God’s forgiveness, you have the power to forgive your spouse.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, without judgment.  Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself to forgive quickly.  Emotion is a teacher, allow yourself room to feel and learn from those feelings.  Forgiveness accesses the spiritual part of a person, allowing you to regain a sense of personal meaning.  This is a great time to nurture your relationship with God.

Rebuild Trust

You have to rebuild trust before you can bring sexual intimacy back into the relationship.  This trust will take time, the same as forgiveness does.  Forgiveness opens our heart to be able to plant seeds of trust again.

But remember: There must be more than apologies.  To earn your trust, your spouse needs to make some real changes.  Your spouse should recognize it was his sin that caused you to not trust him.  His goal should be to restore trust by removing doubts.  Maybe they need to join a support group, talk to a mentor, remove the password from his phone or be open and willing to prove his whereabouts as a form of accountability.

Prayer

Being intimate after infidelity is definitely something you have to pray about.  It’s something you need to submit to the Lord.  He will let you know when it is time, and He will help you follow through when you decide you’re ready to give yourself to your husband sexually again.  It’s not something you should rush into but it may happen quicker than you realize.  You may feel you need the assurance that your husband still wants you.  Or you may feel if he still wants you, then he needs to respect your timing of being intimate again.

Intentional Love Making

Be prepared the first time you’re intimate for raw emotions to make their way to the surface.  Heartache and pure love all together, pouring from your shattered heart.  Beforehand, ask your spouse to be patient, tender and understanding.

You may be craving that reassurance that they are still sexually attracted to you.  You may be feeling inadequate and unwanted, and need to know that they choose you over their infidelity. Bringing love-making back into your marriage can help with the healing process and allow you to focus on forgiveness instead of your own rejection.

There is no intimacy without an open heart.  When it is open, it has the capacity to generate love, warmth, affection and last but certainly not least…intimacy!

I know even reading this post made your heart ache and the tears flow.  I wish so very much I could reach through this screen and give you a big hug and just cry with you.  One day the hurt will be a little less, I promise.  And that will feel like the first “good day” you’ve ever had.  And each week, there will be more glimpses of sunshine.  Eventually your good days will run together, and smiles and laughter will abound.  One day, you will look back on this horrible time and be thankful for it.  Thankful for the love that grows deeper with each passing day, tested by fire and found strong enough to stand again.  Trust me, you will get there if you allow God to heal your heart and your marriage.  He brings beauty from the ashes.

You will move on past this.  You will hold your head high, knowing the storm may have knocked you down but it didn’t win.

Join me back here next Friday as we continue our series.  Next week we’ll talk about what men really want!

Let’s be real for a minute, sometimes it feels like sex is just too complicated.  You’re sleep deprived, the bills seem never-ending, the house needs cleaned, dishes need done and add in the everyday stress…all libido-suppressing.  It just seems easier to leave sex for another day.

Today I want to encourage you not to give up and not to let go of pursuing sex and intimacy in your marriage.  Embracing and enjoying your sexuality will seem challenging at times, even overwhelming, but we need to be purposeful about cultivating intimacy and passion in our marriage.  It takes time, energy and effort, but if you are intentional about it, your marriage will benefit and grow.

How can you keep intimacy alive?  You have to desire it.  You have to want it.  You have to be deliberate about it.  You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goal.  You have to engage your heart fully in the joyful pursuit.  Today I am sharing 16 ways to get started.

16 Ways To Make Your Marriage Sizzle

1.  Know your worth

We’re so busy feeling fat or saggy or inadequate that we can’t even imagine feeling sexual.  Study after study would show that the vast majority of husbands desire their wives – and they want wives who want to fully participate in sex and embrace it for the gift it is.  The hang up about body appearance is more about our own insecurities than it is about their expectations.  Nurturing sexual intimacy to its fullest in your marriage has so much to do with embracing the beauty and femininity of who you are.  And you are beautiful.  When he tells you he thinks you are beautiful and sexy, he really does mean it.  Believe him.  Accept the compliment and embrace it.  Embrace him and his love.

2.  Buy new undies

And for goodness sake, throw away those granny panties you’ve had since your last pregnancy.  Look for some Victoria’s Secret or Aerie coupons and go do some shopping.  You can normally find some pretty good sales, like 7 pair for $25.  Listen ladies, that’s a small price to pay for how good you’ll feel.  You’ll be surprised at how sexy you feel just knowing you have them on.  Maybe even shock your hubby and buy a thong or a cheeky cut.  Once the kids are in bed, walk past him in just a t-shirt and those new panties and he might fall off his chair.

3.  Pursue your spouse

Pursuit, to most men, means feeling desired (ladies, read that as “sex”) and affirmed through respect, honor and appreciation.  Most women, on the other hand, are more likely to want to be pursued through time, attention and tenderheartedness (guys, read that as “romance”).

Write him love notes and tuck them in his lunchbox.  Send him a racy text (I highly suggest knowing the location of his phone before this one. Remember…on smart phones, said text will pop up on the screen.)  Tell him how much you appreciate him.  Buy the stinkin’ lingerie that he likes on you, even if you feel it’s a waste of money.  Kiss him and hold his hand, even if you’re in a horribly long checkout line at Wal-Mart.  Read Song of Solomon out loud together each night before bed.  Pursue that man’s heart daily.

4.  Kiss

Kiss and kiss a lot.  Make out in the kitchen while cooking dinner.  Kiss in the living room while watching TV.  It’s good for your kids to see you give your spouse love.  That they can see we are still pursuing our spouses heart.  The byproduct is that our children can watch their parents dating.  When children see their parents giving each other time, affection, and respect it is a reassurance of our love and makes them feel secure.

5.  Have fun

When was the last time you did something with the purposeful intention of just having fun together?  One of my favorite things my husband and I have in common is a love for laughter.  Actually, his ability to make me laugh was one of the reasons I fell head over heals for him.  Plan a spontaneous adventure and surprise your spouse with it.   This could be a night away (minus kids) or even a little mini-date.  See a funny movie together, or take in a comedy show.  Let your hair down and get silly: have a pillow fight or a tickle war.  Although I’d highly suggest knowing how they react to tickling.  Getting kicked in the face might put a damper on your night.

6.  Sex is about you too girl

The world loves to lie to us.  One of those lies is that sex is something we do for our husband.  That way of thinking limits true intimacy in your marriage and creates resentment.  Remember, God gave us the ability to have an orgasm as well.  Take the time to identify things that make you feel sexy and begin pursuing those things (like buying sexy undies).  Begin thinking about, talking about, and doing things in bed that feel good to you.  Initiate sex once in a while and be an active participant in your own sex life.

7.  Focus on the positive

Remember the reasons you fell in love with your spouse?  It’s super easy to focus on what annoys us about our spouse, but that is definitely a passion killer.  Passion can’t co-exist with negativity.  So, develop a habit of being grateful and appreciative.  Guard your heart against taking the good parts of your marriage for granted.  Say thank you.  Plain and simple.  Thank them for big and little things.  Thank them for doing dishes, laundry or fixing your car.  I even thank my husband for just loving me (because I am fully aware there are days that can’t be easy).  Take some time to sit down together and make a list of the top five body parts you love (and think are super hot) about your spouse. Guys, your wife is likely in a body-image battle, even if you think she shouldn’t be.  This will mean the absolute world to her.

8.  Say I love you

Say if often.  Say it every chance you get.  Before you leave in the morning, at the end of a phone call, in a text during the work day, before bed or across the room.  Don’t ever let them wonder how you feel.

9.  Quickies can be your friend

Don’t be a high maintenance lover that needs a long list of “things” before sex can happen.  Give the kids ice cream for dinner, turn on some Spongebob…and lock your bedroom door.  The house won’t burn down and ice cream won’t kill them.  Grab the moments you can.  It will make the rest of the day just a little bit better.

10.  Get creative

Don’t become a predictable lover.  God has given us such freedom in this arena.  Consider having an open discussion with your spouse on what you feel is okay and what your boundaries are.  Just follow some general rules…it’s just the two of you, you allow mutual respect and agreement to guide your choices, it causes no pain physically, emotionally, or spiritually and you keep the focus on your relationship.

Sometimes, people shy away from certain sexual acts because they call them “dirty” or “kinky” or “weird”.  The truth is, if you and your spouse agree to try something (even if it’s weird) and you enjoy it, it is certainly okay for you to try during sex as long as it follows the basic guidelines.  So by all means, experiment and add some variety to your sex life!

11.  Touch is powerful

Every night when my husband and I go to bed, we touch somehow.  It may be me laying in his arms or me snuggling up against his back.  Sometimes we even hold hands while we sleep.  Moving across the bed to touch him will show your husband that you desire and love him and find comfort in his touch.

12.  It takes time for women

Men can become aroused in 2 to 3 minutes (and sometimes 30 seconds)—but women take 10 times as long.  Women take 20 to 30 minutes to become as aroused as men.  So women, it helps to start thinking about your later randevu earlier in the day.  Do a little planning, send a sexy text and get creative.

13.  72 hours

Did you know that men are actually created to need a sexual release about every three days?  I never knew that either until a few years ago.  Cindy Dagnan writes, “Sex is as necessary as breathing for most men… because of the periodic buildup of seminal fluid, they actually need it.”  For most men, this buildup takes only about seventy-two hours.  We need to be intentional on how we love on our husbands.

14.  Oral sex

Two words I never thought I’d say on this blog.  Just typing that made me sweat.  Y’all, my Mama reads my blog!

Christians will never fully agree on this topic and whether it’s permissible in marriage.  No clearly spelled out command exists in the Bible regarding oral sex, which means we are left to our own prayerful interpretation.  If we feel it is okay for a husband to kiss his wife’s neck, hand, naval or her forehead then how can we rationalize that her entire body is not permissible ground.  The same goes with a wife kissing her husband’s body.  So, yes, I do believe oral sex is permissible within marriage.  Song of Solomon 2:3 says Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.  In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.  

15.  Plan sex

We live busy lives with full schedules.  Some days everyone is running in different directions.  It’s easy for sex to become an afterthought.  As weird as it sounds, putting sex on your calendar works.  We need to intentionally plan for what is important to us.  There isn’t any wrong schedule…1, 2 or 3 times a week.  With some spontaneous times sprinkled in if the opportunity arises.

16.  Pray Together

I have to admit, when we bow our heads to pray Sunday mornings, I can’t wait to slip my hand into my husbands.  There is just something so amazingly intimate about praying together!  I totally understand that not everyone is comfortable praying out loud {read this as ME} but it’s so worth it.  Just gather up the courage and pray with your man!

Come back next week for another post in our series.  Next week we’ll be discussing intimacy after unfaithfulness.