“I won’t be there”.  Four words.  Four syllables.  A simple statement.  And my life forever changed.

I reread those four words time after time.  Suddenly, I wasn’t reading “I won’t be there.” I was reading, “I don’t love you anymore.“

The sting of rejection set in quickly.  Almost instantly memories came flooding back.

Maybe it was the time I walked into the back of the kindergarten room, excited about playing in the big blue blocks with other 5-year-olds, and I was abruptly, unexpectedly shoved out and not allowed back in.

Maybe it was the time I was told I couldn’t be friends with someone because I was adopted, and that means you “don’t know where she comes from.”

Or maybe it was the time my best friend decided she fancied my boyfriend.  I went to bed having a boyfriend, and woke to her having that same boy as her boyfriend. To this day, I still remember the moment she told me in Algebra class.  I spent the rest of class peering out the window, sobbing.  I knew, in that moment, our friendship would never be the same.  That is what broke my heart the most.

Time after time, for some unknown reason, I experienced the sting of rejection. As I grew older, not only did I expect rejection, I began reading it into the actions and expressions of others. I told myself I was essentially unlikable and helplessly flawed. Perceived rejections only confirmed that conviction.

Repeated rejection is the breeding ground for low self-worth.

Thankfully, I also experienced evidences of self-worth – in the comforting words of my mother, in the warmth of my nurturing grandmother, in the encouragement of my life-long best friends, and most importantly, in the love of Christ.

Rejection is hard, isn’t it?  Babies even cry when they’re rejected.  I can tell you first hand, being an adult doesn’t make that rejection any easier.  We are created with the desire to be loved and accepted just as we are.  But we will all experience rejection at some point in our lives.  People hurl flaming arrows of rejection at their family members, co-workers, and peers without a second thought not realizing the depths of their damage.  Damage that can reach throughout generations.

Those first four words, I won’t be there, were heard six years ago.  I’m going to be honest and open with you, I’m still learning how to deal with and process that rejection.  Those were the words spoken before they turned and walked out of my life.

Throughout this process of rejection, healing and working to overcome the pain there are reminders the Lord has whispered as He brings healing to my wounded heart.

He is faithful.

God will never reject me. And God is not rejecting me just because my loved one has. One of Satan’s favorite lies is that because my loved one is rejecting me, so is God. The truth is God loves me no matter how people treat me.

Responding.

When I am rejected, and hurting, I can assure you my first response isn’t godly. I’m the first to admit I have a hot head and a fat mouth. This, my friends, has taken a lot of prayer on my end.

And with gentle prompts from Him, I’ve heard be silent and keep your eyes on Me. My first response was the opposite. My goal was to hurt them just as they hurt me. God is showing me how to let mercy and grace lead the way.

Forgiveness.

I’m going to be honest, I’m not a good forgiver. If there is one thing I’m good at, it’s holding a grudge. Actually, I might even be considered a professional grudge holder. Forgiveness, no matter who it is directed to, is something that just doesn’t come easily to me. Add in someone rejecting, and hurting, my children as well and it’s doubly as hard.

How do you forgive the one who caused such pain and created those deep, searing wounds.

What does Jesus say about holding a grudge? He commands us to overlook sins and forgive those who hurt us. He doesn’t ask us to do that, the Lord commands us to do that.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

But somewhere buried in our subconscious, we think the rules don’t apply to us. The pain we know doesn’t fit the requirements of forgiveness. We {read this as me} rationalize and justify our pain over and over again, talking ourselves out of forgiving.

And then we become resentful, angry, unforgiving and cold.

I am beginning with one simple statement…this is my opportunity to show them Jesus through me. To be kind and tenderhearted, expecting nothing in return.

Reaching out.

This one is hard for me. Whether I want to admit it or not, this girl can be so proud! That certainly isn’t an endearing quality. God’s Word has much to say about pride.

When we love our relationships, we should have no room for pride and arrogance to creep in. Regardless of who is to blame, when we are really serious about reconciling a relationship, we put aside our pride and sometimes that means being the first one to take the step towards restoration.

Forgiveness doesn’t always equal relationship.

Sometimes relationships flat-line and some are just toxic. I honestly just don’t know how to take a single step forward in a relationship that has dead-ended. Ones where there is no earthly way of moving forward. Where I just don’t know which way to go.

All I do know is this, we are to love one another.

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13:34

I have to believe that forgiveness and love doesn’t mean we’re required to have a relationship.

Love doesn’t mean we walk back in. It doesn’t mean we forget. It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and we aren’t thankful that the journey brought us out.

It means we continue to love, even from a distance. We choose the best for them, for us, for this time. We refuse bitterness. We refuse anger. We refuse to keep allowing our heart to stir. We become aware of our pain and we seek and find healing.

When you don’t know how to move forward, choose love. When there seems to be no earthly way of moving on, choose love.

Healing.

When we find ourselves in the midst of ripped pages and the reflection of a broken heart, it’s comforting to know He is already there. In all my broken places, God has turned a my mess into a holy offering by pouring Himself right in. He has never left me down. And now those cracks allow Him to pour right out.

I know in the middle of my messy mascara days, He’s busy writing an amazing story.

Beth Moore, in Praying God’s Word, said:

The rejected person who turns entirely to God and His Word can find glorious restoration and acceptance in Christ no matter what happens.

In this world we will no doubt experience rejection again and again. But if we keep our eyes on Him, He will restore our broken hearts and turn our troubles into triumph.  Today I’m celebrating God’s faithfulness in bringing me through every rejection in my life and keeping me vitally connected to Him. Oh how He loves me – and you.

Ironically enough, I woke up that morning feeling brave.

I was exhausted and sick, not knowing why my body was fighting against me.  But amidst the chaotic, returning doctors phone calls and pouring over test results, kind of day, a passion stirred in my heart at the thought of being brave and telling my best friend how much I missed her.

I had thought of sending her flowers with a cute note, or writing her a letter that expressed just how very much our friendship had meant to me over the years.  But I settled on sending her a Facebook message expressing my feelings.

I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at my desk to begin my message.  A smile graced my lips as I thought of all the great times we had together, and I recalled them to her in my message.

As I bravely pushed send, and saw those familiar three bouncing dots pop up, I just knew she was going to return my sweet words with ones of her own.  And we would happily plan our next get together.

When the message appeared on my screen, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.

“Have you thought of getting a job so you aren’t so lonely?”

She went on to say how my “neediness” was just a little bit too much for her.

I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.  My heart was so, so hurt.

That was the day our friendship died.

I experienced that deep-down, soul-altering, barely-can-breathe kind of grief that only comes through a heart-wrenching break up of a friendship.  It cut to the core, once again I was rejected.  It was almost as if I heard her whisper, “You aren’t good enough”.

The breakup with my best friend was one of the hardest, saddest valleys I’ve ever walked through.  The pain was real, and deep.  The tears would come without warning.  The waves of anger and confusion would crash daily.  My heart was shattered, and I felt so alone.

Female friendships can be hard.

Can I get an Amen?

I grew up as an only child.  Because I didn’t have siblings to love on or fight with, I clung to my friendships even tighter.  My friends were my siblings.  I grew up being absolutely devoted to my friends.  Having that mindset makes it even more difficult to lose a friend.

Relationships are important to all of us, whether we admit it or not.  They’re a gift and a responsibility from God.  But how can we build that relationship into a friendship that will last a lifetime?  I was yearning for what Anne of Green Gables calls a bosom friend.

God created women to crave deep personal relationships, so our friendships are a huge part of who we are.  Chances are, right now you’re either smiling because you’re thinking about your own best friend or you’re feeling sad because you wish you one.  Either way, your heart connects with the idea of friendship.

Friends are the family we choose for our self.  Isn’t that such a great feeling?  Friendships often produce the tightest bonds and greatest loyalties.  We walk through life with our friends.  They help shape our character, cheer us on from the sidelines and silently hug us while we cry.  We meet them at all different seasons of life; some have been with us since we were just wee ones and others we encounter later down the road.  No matter how they’ve entered our life, friendship is a gift from God.

Friendships, as with any relationship, have highs and lows.  There are times when the friendship might become strained or rifts might be created.  Perhaps there was a misunderstanding, unexpected act of disloyalty or a circumstance changed.  Suddenly, this person who we shared our life with now seems to be a stranger.  And if we all were truthful, we are hurt.  Really hurt.

Is the friendship lost for good?  Or is there a chance it can be saved?  There might be a little window of opportunity where reconciliation seems reachable.  When that happens, your first instinct is to grab onto it.  At the time though, it’s hard to see through the haze of hurt feelings.  The unspoken words and presumptions seems to echo throughout your mind.  When that happens we find it difficult to walk the path of restoration.  Have you found yourself at that place?  I think we all have at one time or another.

Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.  1 Samuel 20:42

How beautiful is that?  I mean, that’s Hallmark movie stuff right there. We have sworn friendship to each other in the name of the Lord. Doesn’t that just make you smile and make your heart happy?  Yeah, me too.  How many of us crave a friendship like that?  Those true, genuine friendships are one of life’s real blessings.

But how, how do you get a beautiful Anne of Green Gables worthy friendship?

Don’t assume there’s something wrong with you. When a friendship changes, it’s easy to look inward and ask yourself what you did wrong.  Instead look upward and assume that for now, God simply wants your attention elsewhere. Trust Jesus with your reputation as well as this situation.

Don’t be afraid to reach out first. This one is hard for me.  Whether I want to admit it or not, this girl can be so proud!  That certainly isn’t an endearing quality. God’s Word has much to say about pride.  When we love our relationships, we should have no room for pride and arrogance to creep in.  Regardless of who is to blame, when we are really serious about reconciling a friendship, we put aside our pride and sometimes that means being the first one to take the step towards restoration.  It might mean being the first one to apologize, even if you don’t know what you’re apologizing for.  Ask yourself how important restoration is to you.

Keep your circle broken.  I read this once and thought it was so beautiful.  We’ve all walked in to a room and saw circles of friends, circles that had no room in them for us.  Don’t be that person, keep your circle broken and always allow room for one more.  It reminds me never to be content in being comfortable with the friends I already have but to look for ways to be a friend to others who need one.

Let bygones be bygones. Those thoughts of revenge?  Not in this relationship!  And rehashing the issues over and over again?  No way!  They need disposed of.  With all that gone, God will start to work in both your hearts.  That’s how we need to be when we reconcile relationships.  Does God keep throwing our sins in our face?  Nope. He isn’t keeping tabs and neither should we. When you have finally decided to let it go, kick it out the door.  There is no need to pick it back up again.

Be friendly.  The easiest way to make friends is honestly to smile and be friendly.  I know it’s scary and risky, but we have to be willing to take that risk.  Talk to the new girl in your Moms group, invite your elderly lady to bible study and smile at that worn out Mama in the grocery line.  You never know who is looking for a warm smile, a kind face and a spot in your circle.

Be patient. Girl, if there is something I’m not good at it’s patience.  But we have to give friendship time to grow.  So many times we scare people away by setting our expectations too high too soon.  Give yourself time to get to know each other before you share the deeper things in your life.  When you give anyone some of your heart to a friend, you are giving that person a precious gift.  You want to make sure you are presenting it to someone who will treasure it.

I am so thankful to have an amazing group of girlfriends, my heart sisters, who I feel totally at home with. Some go back as far as when we were babies and our Mamas were best friends. I love friendships where there is a mutual felt sense of being able to truly relax, be ourselves and know that neither of us would do anything to harm the other. It just feels safe.  It’s like being wrapped in a fuzzy, warm blanket on a cold, winter’s day.

I would love to hear from you, what has helped you to navigate through friendships?

 

 

I’ve had an idea for a blog series churning for a while now.  And before my most recent surgery, I posted a question on Facebook in hopes other women would chime in.  And boy, did they ever!

The question I asked was what is something you wish women talked about more?

We are going to start this series with one I feel very passionate about, self worth.

First, let’s define self worth.  Worth signifies the value, merit, or significance of a person or thing.  The dictionary defines self worth as the sense of one’s own value or significance as a person.  The belief that your life has value.

Insignificant, invisible and insecure.  How many of us have felt that way at some point in our lives?  Girl, I know I sure have.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14

She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.  Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor.  Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace.  She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her; those who hold her fast will be blessed. Proverbs 3:15-18

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.  Song of Songs 4:7

Know whose opinion to value.  It’s not the guy you passed in the grocery store who said hateful words to you, it’s not your childhood friend who always compared your size to hers, it’s not your abuser…Gods opinion is the only one we should value and hear the loudest in our head.  You don’t have to be liked or approved of by others to feel valued.  God proved how valuable you are to Him by sending His Son to die for you. He wants you to live with Him forever.  Girl, you are of infinite value to God!  Read that again, infinite value.  You don’t have to live your life trying to keep everyone around you happy, just do what pleases God.

You can do all the things.  How?  Because Christ gives you strength!  Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Because you are loved by God, a daughter of the King, you can survive even if it seems that everyone else hates you.  Do you know how many people hated Jesus?  Loads and loads.  But that didn’t stop Him from living, and He continued to live in a way that pleased God.  He never doubted Gods unchanging love for Him, and because of that He could face the horrible abuse.  God will give you strength to carry on even when it seems like everyone around you disapproves.

Listen to my words sweet girl, we can all be confident. We can walk through this world with heads and hearts held high as daughters of the King. Daughters who are messy and broken. With Him, we are transformed into beautiful simply because we are His. Understand your identity in Him and the beauty and freedom He gives us and the love He extends to us.

Join me next Friday for another hard topic women wishes we talked about more.