This girl right here is a champion best friend maker. The problem comes in keeping those best friends. I mean, are my standards too high? Am I too picky? Are the friendship issues always my fault? Am I too loud, too forward and speak my mind too much?  All I know is in the end, I’m always the one left here, mouth agape, wondering what happened. Because…I thought we were friends.

God created women to crave deep personal relationships, so our friendships are a huge part of who we are. Chances are, right now you’re either smiling because you’re thinking about your own bestie or you’re feeling sad because you wish you had a bestie. Either way, your heart connects with the idea of friendship.

I remember a time last year where it felt as if I watched friendship after friendship roll across my Facebook newsfeed. Gals going on lunch dates, littles play dates, meeting for coffee, selfies together here and there. And here I was, sitting at home taking selfies with my chickens.

The most frustrating part is in my heart I feel as if I’m a good friend. I’m willing to put effort into initiating friendships. I’m devoted. I’m faithful. I do all the right things in hopes of finding heart-friends but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

I’ve spent a good amount of time asking God why this is happening, and what I can do about it. And by good amount of time I mean normally God and I have a tearful chat about it daily. I’m not sure exactly what my soul is craving, but God knows. And in that gap between my longing and Him fulfilling the fellowship I desire, I’m choosing to trust His timing.

During this time of few friends, I have spent a LOT more time with my husband and kids. Our relationships have all grown so super much and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I’ve apologized to Joe for him having to be my everything {husband, provider, bestie, protector, etc.} but honestly, I love it and so does he.

I’ve had lots more time for God, which is a great thing! When we are in times of need, He wants us to run to Him. To crave Him. To find comfort in the love story He wrote for us. My relationship with Him has deepened, and I’ve found myself relying on HIM to minister to my needs rather than running around from person to person, ignoring His wisdom.

As I write this post through tears, many tears, I know God is the God of perfect time and He arranges and spends it purposefully. I’m trusting in Him, delighting in His timing and allowing Him to fill the gap. If I’ve done all I can do to seek something and I still don’t have it, there’s a good reason. Maybe several. In the mean time, I want to intentionally discover what He wants me to learn in the waiting.

One of the hardest, saddest valleys I’ve ever walked through was a breakup with my best friend.  The pain was real, and deep.  The tears would come without warning.  The waves of anger and confusion would crash daily.  My heart was shattered, and I felt so alone.

Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.
1 Samuel 20:42

How beautiful is that? I mean, that’s Hallmark movie stuff right there. We have sworn friendship to each other in the name of the Lord. Doesn’t that just make you smile and make your heart happy? Yeah, me too.  How many of us crave a friendship like that? Those true, genuine friendships are one of life’s real blessings.

I thought true friendships were supposed to last forever?  Surely I’m not the only woman that makes that assumption when entering a friendship.

So when a friendship ends virtually without notice, I’m left standing, mouth agape, wondering where it went wrong…where I went wrong…what did I do wrong?

How is it possible that in the blink of an eye, someone can turn around and walk away without even looking back?

No breakup hurts quite as badly as a breakup with your best friend.  It’s a feeling I never knew existed until it happened.  It’s a punched-in-the-gut, breathtaking feeling in a horrible way.

It’s not my story to tell, so I can’t even share any incite on how to keep a friendship from ending. But I can tell you that breakups hurt, whether you were in love with someone or just loved by them.

And tell me sweet girls, aren’t we all afraid to talk of the breakup to others?  Don’t we fear being labeled as a gossip?  Or that others will think we are wacky, needy, clingy and overly invested?  I didn’t want to be judged for being brokenhearted over an ended friendship.

I simply needed to know how to heal from a breakup that no one else would label a breakup.

The most frustrating, and absolutely sad part was is in my heart I honestly felt as if I was a good friend. I put so much effort into that friendship. I was devoted. I was faithful. I did all the right things in hopes of finding a heart-friend.

The only place I knew to run to without being judged for my feelings, and my heartbreak, was to God. I ran to Him quickly, and daily. And in that gap between my heartbreak and His healing, I chose to trust His timing.

And I will tell you this, years later, I realize wholeheartedly it was what was best for me. While I hate that the friendship ended, I don’t regret what came of it. What it revealed in me when that friendship was stripped away was not healthy and Jesus needed a wide path in to heal some things in me. To make beauty from those ashes.

But girls, listen to me closely, don’t be afraid to share!  You have no idea how many of us have been heartbroken by a breakup with a friend.  And when you speak of it, with an honest heart, you will see other teary-eyed women nodding their heads and agreeing.  So many of us have walked through friendships that have ended.  You aren’t alone!

And while I can’t fix it for you, and I can’t take away your heartache, I can tell you this.

Don’t be afraid to call it a breakup.

Don’t be afraid to talk about it.

Run directly to Him.  He wants to hold your broken heart in His hands and with His loving grace, piece it back together.

And somehow He will make beauty from your ashes.

Early Sunday morning is my absolute favorite computer time. I grab my coffee, head to my computer desk and just soak in the silence. This morning as I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, I saw something that stopped me in my tracks. A comment on a mutual friends status from someone I used to hold very near my heart. We were so close y’all, I even cut the cord when she had her daughter. And then one day she was gone, without a word. I spent the next few minutes in reflection and thinking about friendship.

How beautiful is that? I mean, that’s hallmark movie stuff right there. We have sworn friendship to each other in the name of the Lord. Doesn’t that just make you smile? Yeah, me too. How many of us crave a friendship like that? Those true, genuine friendships are one of life’s real blessings.

The most frustrating, and absolutely sad part was is in my heart I honestly felt as if I was a good friend. I put so much effort into that friendship. I was devoted. I was faithful. I did all the right things in hopes of finding a heart-friend.

The only place I knew to run to without being judged for my feelings, and my heartbreak, was to God. I ran to Him quickly, and daily. And in that gap between my heartbreak and His healing, I chose to trust His timing.

And I will tell you this, years later, I realize wholehearted it was what was best for me. While I hate that the friendship ended, I don’t regret what came of it. What it revealed in me when that friendship was stripped away was not healthy and Jesus needed a wide path in to heal some things in me. To make beauty from those ashes.

And while I can’t fix it for you, and I can’t take away your heartache, I can tell you this.

Don’t be afraid to call it a breakup.

Don’t be afraid to talk about it.

Run directly to Him. He wants to hold your broken heart in His hands and with His loving grace, piece it back together.

And somehow He will make beauty from your ashes.