This girl right here is a champion best friend maker. The problem comes in keeping those best friends. I mean, are my standards too high? Am I too picky? Are the friendship issues always my fault? All I know is in the end, I’m always the one left here, mouth agape, wondering what happened. Because…I thought we were friends.

God created women to crave deep personal relationships, so our friendships are a huge part of who we are. Chances are, right now you’re either smiling because you’re thinking about your own bestie or you’re feeling sad because you wish you had a bestie. Either way, your heart connects with the idea of friendship.

I remember a time last year where it felt as if I watched friendship after friendship roll across my Facebook newsfeed. Gals going on lunch dates, littles play dates, meeting for coffee, selfies together here and there. And here I was, sitting at home taking selfies with my chickens.

A short while later, I found out one of my FAVORITE Christian women speakers was going to be speaking close to home. It seemed too good to be true! I made post after post, hoping to get at least one person to go with me. I waited as not. one. person. responded. Not even one y’all.

I’ve spent a good amount of time asking God why this is happening, and what I can do about it. And by good amount of time I mean normally God and I have a chat about it daily. I’m not sure exactly what my soul is craving, but God knows. And in that gap between my longing and Him fulfilling the fellowship I desire, I’m choosing to trust His timing. And while I haven’t received a direct answer yet, He has put some things into my heart:

*  During this time of few friends, I have spent a LOT more time with my husband and kids. Our relationships have all grown so super much and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I’ve apologized to Joe for him having to be my everything {husband, provider, bestie, protector, etc.} but honestly, I love it.

*  I’ve learned what toxic friendships look like and how to avoid them. While healthy friendships are blessings, unhealthy friendships can cause toxic, destructive messes in your life.

As I write this post through tears, many tears, I know God is the God of perfect time, and He arranges and spends it purposefully. I’m trusting in Him, delighting in His timing and allowing Him to fill the gap. If I’ve done all I can do to seek something and I still don’t have it, there’s a good reason. Maybe several. In the mean time, I want to intentionally discover what He wants me to learn in the waiting.

I have spent the last few months walking around in sadness.  I’m sure you’ve read my posts about losing joy and finding my Christmas.  I’m sure y’all could have guessed I was walking through a valley.  It’s true, I was.  I had lost a friend, someone I had left into my inner circle of circles.  Someone I trusted, wholeheartedly.  Someone I thought was the sister I never had, sent directly to me by God.  Our families were woven together.  Losing that broke me more than anyone, even myself, could imagine.

I love having lots of friends. After growing up an only child, my friends are my siblings. I especially cherish close friends. You know what I mean, the ones who know you in-and-out and the friendship just feels comfortable and familiar. Asking me to get rid of a friend is like asking for a vital organ. And that’s exactly what this has felt like…like a part of me was taken. I’m sure a few of you have just rolled your eyes and thought “oh she is sooooo over-exaggerating”. I wish you could see my heart.

I needed to realize their brokenness. I had been playing the victim when really they were the ones hurting. God softened my heart and helped me to see the ways in which this former friend suffers and struggles in life. In fact, it was those very insecurities or wounds that often caused them to treat me the way that they did. By leveling the playing field and remembering that we’re all broken humans clumsily trying to follow Christ, God helped me to see these ex-friends the way He does: Sinners desperately in need of grace. It didn’t happen over night, but it happened.  Thank goodness because this girl right here is tired of being sad!