marriage - Forever Beloved

February 4, 2017

What She Really Wants For Valentines Day

Oh men, only six weeks after Christmas and again you’re under pressure to find the perfect gift. And let’s face it, we don’t make it easy on you. You are expected to read our minds and know what the perfectly perfect gift is that our heart is craving. Y’all have no idea how many tears I shed in during our relationship because my husband didn’t inherently know what I wanted to receive. Of course I couldn’t tell him, that would take every ounce of romance out of it.

For the past week I’ve been thinking of what I would love to receive myself for Valentine’s Day. My thoughts kept going a bit beyond the tangible. I began thinking about what, for me, would communicate: I love you, I adore you, I still want to date you, I’m thankful for you, I cherish you, I appreciate you, I see the many things you do that go unnoticed and I love how you take care of our children.

I’m sure you’ve all heard about the popular series of books by Gary Chapman based on what he calls The 5 Love Languages. The main concept of the book is that there are 5 main ways in which people receive and give love: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and quality time. The primary way in which you express love is also the main way in which you receive love from others. Being aware of how your partner communicates love is key here. If you aren’t aware of how they naturally communicate love, you may very well be missing out on all of the ways they ARE expressing love to you on the daily. Take the time to figure out her love language, and gift giving will be made easy!

The gift ideas I offer to you today are those which touch on the intangible. Gifts, that when coupled with some simple actions will communicate more than any one present has the ability to do.

The Gift of Planning

For Valentine’s Day (or honestly any other day of the year), most women would love for their husbands to just plan a date all on their own. Y’all, she would love this! I would love this. You have no idea how many times my husbands asks what I would like to do for our date and my response is surprise me! Women love for you to take the lead when it comes to pursuing them! You don’t need to ask her what she wants to do or where she wants to eat, just plan it. She’ll adore you taking the time and initiative to plan an entire date, and it will make her feel so appreciated. If you’re married, trust your instincts. You know her likes and dislikes, just go with it. Trust me, she won’t be disappointed.

The Gift of Words

Tell her what she means to you. Tell her. Tell her over and over again. Write her a note to tell her and hide it in a place she’ll find it. Put it on her pillow, on the washing machine or in that book she’s reading. Believe me, she’ll appreciate that more than you know. And she’ll more than likely shed a few tears. Give her a big hug and kiss when you walk in the door after work. Just hold her in your arms. From a woman’s perspective, this little act of kindness can wash away the negative things that happened during the day and change the tone of the evening. To me, this would mean more than all the flowers and chocolate in the world.

The Gift of Free Time

This might be the most simple, yet one of the best gifts ever that a wife could receive! While it is so important to regularly spend time together as a coupl, there’s something to be said for a woman having time alone with absolutely NO agenda. Free time without kids, no one needing their noses wiped, no laundry staring them in the face, no curfew of when to be home by and no cell phone interruptions. Allow her to be completely unplugged. Wives, imagine your husband saying, “Saturday I’m getting up with the kids and taking them out. Just sleep in, take a bath and then take the day and do whatever you want to do. Don’t worry about us, just enjoy your day.” If you’re wondering if this is an actual gift, all you need is ten minutes on Facebook. You’ll see just how many Mama’s post about a trip alone to Target feeling like a vacation or craving they could actually go to the bathroom by themselves for 2 minutes. Yep, this absolutely would qualify as a gift! And I guarantee when you get home, she’ll feel like a new woman! Want to take this gift to an entire new level? Add in some gift cards to her favorite stores and one for her lunch. She’ll adore her free day and not having to worry about her spending!

The Gift of Service

As women, we are the keepers of our home. As a full-time stay at home wife and mom who also runs a business, the tasks I do daily often feel not only repetitious but also like they aren’t seen or noticed. Women are generally the ones who have everyone’s schedule and needs simultaneously running through our minds at any given moment. We’re always thinking out beyond the present moment to what needs to happen next to keep it all on track, on schedule and sane. Read this as we’re stressed. Tell her you’re taking over her chores for the day and for her to go sit in the living room and catch up on her DVR’d shows. This will show her that you not only recognize what she does daily, but that you appreciate it. And guess what? She’s going to be like “Wow, this is amazing. I so super love you.”. And guess who is going to look like the hero? Yeah, you. And who will reap the rewards of said hero? Yep, you will!

Hopefully I’ve given you some good ideas, or just some inspiration to come up with your own ideas. I know this post isn’t full of easy-to-click links with flashy pictures, but I hope it challenges you to think about how you communicate love to your partner and how she receives love. Above all, I really challenge you to not just settle into a groove where your spouse is concerned. True love is not selfish, but the amazing thing is that when when you are loved well, you will love well in return. Be inspired, love well, make it an unforgettable Valentine’s Day and move beyond the ordinary into the extraordinary.

January 15, 2017

Remixed: When God Blends Your Family | Guest Post

{It is with such pleasure that I introduce Becky Luzier. We’ve shared laughter and a few tears during conversations over coffee. Every time, never running out of subjects to talk about. Her heart for Jesus shines as does her magnetic personality! Please give a warm Forever Beloved welcome to Becky! Show her how much you appreciate her by sharing and commenting on her story!}

Have you ever heard a mainstream Christian worship song remixed? They can be pretty weird sounding. One example, “Oceans” by Hillsong United, is a song that’s very dear to my heart for a multitude of reasons. The Christian rapper KB remixed it, and the new song title is “Crowns & Thorns”. I had heard it for the first time not long ago when my 11 year old son was jamming out, and I thought, “That’s really strange sounding, but I kind of like it”. It sort of rubbed me the wrong way at first, but the longer I listened to it, the more I found myself actually enjoying this new, but not really new, favorite song. Things I didn’t like about it at first, were KB’s added effects, which I perceived as interruptions. The nice, slow chorus that I love singing along to, was now abruptly being distorted by some different rhyme and rhythm. Yet the longer I listened, I enjoyed the beat and even seemed to be gaining a new perspective on the original lyrics. Now I like this remix a lot and listen to it often. Not every remix is like that, though. I believe some songs should not ever be tampered with, because their original state is best. Some worship songs are simply bad as a remix in my opinion, but to someone else, it may be seen as an improvement.

Remix is a fun term in my opinion; It makes me think of fun, dancing, energy, and flashing lights. I have only recently thought of it as a relational word. I have heard it used this way in a teaching about relationships not long ago. The word stuck with me. I realized that my blended family is a remix. We are awkward at first, our current story is not the way it was originally written, and we grow on you if you hang around long enough! We ARE fun, energetic, loud, and chaotic too! We have also realized that it’s not always fun and games. There are a lot of, what would seem to be, interruptions. Many days are what seem like the opposite of a remix, if there ever was one. They are slow, tiring, dim, but always with the disarray. It can feel like the original song was slowed down and it sounds all distorted now—Jesus meets us there.

I have four beautiful children to my first husband, and I am remarried to a wonderful godly man who doesn’t have any children of his own. God allowed me a new beginning, with a new husband who chooses Jesus before everything, who loves my children like his own, and loves me fiercely. He is not perfect, he is not a knight in shining armor, he is not my savior, and he is a flawed man who messes up at times. We are completely opposite in our personalities. I am extroverted, he is introverted; I am pretty lax when it comes to a lot of things, he is very organized and precise; I am loud and crazy, he is quiet and reserved. But we both choose Jesus—every single time.

I would like to back up just little bit before I keep going forward through the breakdown of our song. My second husband and I were married on August 13, 2016. We began courting in December of 2015. We didn’t waste much time! I met him at our local youth center when I began serving there shortly after my divorce. He was so intriguing to me, and there was something about him that made my heart leap and long to know more. I wanted to know his story, where he came from and how he got here. He had a way of talking with the kids that got them to open up to a depth that others couldn’t seem to reach as easily (if at all). He didn’t do surface level conversations. I knew that he had depth and I had pined for that for so long! We talked off and on for several months. There were times where the Lord would back us away from one another, walk us through some things on our own, and then allow us to pick back up again. We began getting to know one another and he seemed to really be fascinated by me! Me? I didn’t understand! How could I be desirable? I have FOUR children! Did he not realize that? Is he crazy? Is he just stupid? Well, it turned out he was seeking the Lord’s guidance, and he knew it was me. He fell in love with me, as I did him, and he fell in love with my kids.

We were so cute. We thought we had it figured out. We looked forward to married life, which we thought might look a little more settled than anything we both knew at the time. We expected hard things, but we believed that we had this in the bag. We both knew some stuff, we had grown tremendously in the Lord over time, and we prayed a lot. What could go wrong? HA! We had an absolutely beautiful wedding and a really fun and adventurous honeymoon. We confirmed the house we were going to be renting on the morning of our wedding and planned to be moved in after returning from our honeymoon.

Then the honeymoon was over. The day we got back, we picked up the kids from their dad, and ended up having to camp out with sleeping bags and blankets at my new father-in-law’s apartment for the night because of unexpected setbacks with our home. It was nuts! It was a small apartment, there were no activities for the kids (aside from the Wii), and my new father-in-law was sleeping in the next room…fabulous! Why not?! We were disappointed to say the least, but Jesus met us there. The kids had fun playing video games and crashing wherever they could fit, and I think we ended up laughing about the crazy of it all at one point (laugh, cry, whatever). So, while the honeymoon didn’t last long, Jesus never changed.

We moved into our new rental house the second day back from our honeymoon. It was cozy and felt like home. Jesus brought us peace. Jesus continues to bring us peace. Even still, this remix is always changing. Every time we think we have figured out the rhythm, it switches up the beat. Even though we are both choosing Jesus, we are both still only people. I have a supportive husband who loves my children and me intensely, but they still disobey and I still get crabby. They are still disrespectful and a handful. He and I don’t always like each other. We all still get lonely sometimes. Crazy right? In a house with 6 people and 4 of them being under 12, we can still experience feeling lonely. But through chaos, through, through heartache, through loneliness, through weariness, through disappointment, through worship, through praise, through His Word—Jesus meets us here. Every. Single. Day. Jesus meets us here.

Our remix is weird at first. It doesn’t seem to belong in a Christian community. I am a divorced woman with 4 kids who remarried a man who was never married and has zero children. We are wonky and strange in our own ways and we are definitely a spicy family. We love, we yell, we talk, we laugh, we cry, we laugh until we cry, we get angry and we get sad, we get lonely and we get tired. We don’t know what we are doing. My husband loves my kids as if they were his own blood, while still having full respect for their father’s place in their heart and life. He chooses Jesus first and so do I. We are a hot, stinking mess, and we are always looking to the Lord, and it’s because of choosing Jesus first, that this remix rocks!

Psalm 40:3 NLT He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD.

I absolutely love keeping my home for my husband and kids. I enjoy being creative at my out of the home job as a stylist. I love to write. Many times my writing is in the form of journaling and prayers written out to the Lord. It’s where the raw relationship stuff is between my Jesus and me. It’s an honor and privilege when He leads me to share prices of that to encourage other women!

December 29, 2016

Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?

I remember the exact moment those words flew past my lips.

I hope I’m not pregnant, this marriage is worthless!

I remember everything about that moment…where I was standing, what I had on, what the lighting looked like and more than anything I remember the look on his face.

In that moment my marriage felt hopeless and to be honest, not worth saving.

I want to tell you this, from my heart directly to yours, every marriage is worth saving.

Sometimes marriage is hard. Really, really hard. And by hard I don’t mean disagreements over where to go to dinner. I don’t mean dirty, wet towels being left on the floor. I mean in the trenches, fighting the battle to bring darkness into light, when satan comes at you from every direction to steal your joy and your hope because he knows he is loosing ground kind of hard.

When my husband and I went through a rough in-the-trenches season of marriage there were only two things that helped us survive…handing our marriage to God and clinging to hope

When it feels like all hope is lost, hand that relationship over to God. Pray for His direction, discernment and allow Him to lead you. Oh, how many times I’ve hit my knees praying for the right words, actions that would please Him and a heart that follows His.

Please, I plead with you, don’t make a rash decision while your heart is hurting. Many days, divorce sounds like the best and sometimes easiest option. Believe me, there were days that through my tears and brokenness I just wanted to throw my hands up, admit defeat and file for divorce. But I heard God consistently telling me to stand for my marriage, regardless of what the world told me to do. He showed me divorce extracted a high price, a price I simply wasn’t willing to pay.

That may be the end result for your relationship, though I pray not. That decision may even be out of your hands. If it is, cling to God like never before and allow Him to carry you through it.

When you hand your marriage over to Him, you open yourself to a beautiful reconciliation full of grace. A relationship that, once it has endured the storm, will come out of it stronger and new. Through fighting in the trenches side-by-side, all the late night conversations, all the deepness, you now know each other differently. This is the blessing of true healing from the hands of God.

But in the midst of the battle, God hears us. He hears our cries. He can see into the deepest depths of your heart and He knows exactly what it will take to restore Hope into your heart, into your life and into your marriage. He doesn’t wait for us to “clean up our act”. He meets us where we are and loves us just as we are, sinners. He showers us with His amazing grace. We have a God who not only knows our doubts and hopelessness, but our tears and pain break His heart.

At times, taking it day by day seems like such a big task. Take it minute by minute if you must, and allow His grace to carry you through each one.

I know even reading this post made your heart ache and your eyes well with tears. I wish so very much I could reach through this screen and give you a big hug and just cry with you. One day the pain will be a little less, I promise. One day your husband will walk past you in the kitchen, brush up against your arm and you’ll feel those butterflies again. The good days will be more often. And each week, there will be more glimpses of sunshine. Eventually your good days will run together, and smiles and laughter will abound. Trust me, you will get there if you allow God to heal your heart. He brings beauty from the ashes.

The beautiful thing about marriage is you get a front row seat to watch His glorious, redemptive work. His answers don’t always come as quickly as we hope. It isn’t always the answer we want or expect. And yet, He is faithful. He is good. And we will praise Him still.

You will move on past this. You will hold your head high, knowing the storm may have knocked you down but it didn’t win.

By the way, I found out the next day that I was indeed pregnant. And that was 18 years ago! I am so thankful that our love story didn’t end there, that it did have many more God-scripted chapters to it. The reward of restoration was well worth the wait. And I am eternally thankful that our love was rescued by God!