We’ve all heard the saying Men are from mars, women are from Venus. We all know that’s not true, obviously. But what is true is God created men and women equally but differently, very differently. We have different designs, different roles and different responsibilities.

God created men with a need to have respect from their wife. Women were created with a desire to receive love from their husband. So many times during an argument a wife will react without respect which will make the husband react without love. That creates an ugly, vicious cycle.

Men need to know that they are adequate, that they are enough and that they are worthy of our respect. How often do we truly show our husbands the respect they desire?

So, I know this girl who has a hot, quick temper and a big, fat mouth and she can cut to the bone with words. She grew up speaking her mind, using harsh words to get her point across. It didn’t mean there was a lack of love for that person, it simply meant she had a point to make. Fast-forward to current day. We now live in an age where it’s common and popular to portray men as idiots, fools and overgrown adolescents. Think of how many sitcoms feature an “inadequate husband and wife who knows everything”. And I absolutely admit, I have given in to the how in the world would men ever survive without us dynamic. Biblically, I would probably be stoned for my insolence. My husband is a pretty easygoing person, which made it easy for me to step into the role of dictator and look down my nose at him. I tend to micromanage, control, nag and critique. It’s my nature, but it’s not respectful—or loving! And it is something this strong-willed wife is working on, daily.

God’s design for marriage is laid out in Ephesians 5. Remember last week we revealed that our marriage was designed specifically to mirror our relationship between Christ and His church. God intended marriage to mirror His relationship with the church so that we could basically be a testimony to others and SHOW them what God is like. That should change the way we look at our marriage.

I’ve read this verse over and over again. It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it. God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband. Period. Unless there is a Biblically moral issue at stake (in which God’s authority will supersede our husband’s).

So, I am basically a pro at pointing out my husband’s faults and failures. I can pick up on disrespect lickity-split when it’s coming from someone else but can’t see when I’m being totally disrespectful to my husband. If it takes you a while to catch on like me, sometimes it makes it a little easier when you can read a list. So I spoke to various Christian husbands and asked them what they saw as disrespectful. I’ve composed a little list of their answers.

• nagging
• speaking badly of him in front of others and belittling him
• not spending time with him
• always complaining, no matter what he does
• yelling at him
• undermining his authority
• not giving him the attention he craves
• withholding sex and using it to manipulate a situation
• cutting him off mid-sentence
• shifting blame to him
• being demanding
• body language – sighing, frowning while you talk and eye rolling
• criticizing him
• putting yourself first rather than him and your family
• not having confidence in his decision making
• showing other men attention rather than him

Every man has his own definition of disrespect and what actions show him that. There are some things that basically every man would find disrespectful and some things that are just specific to your husband. What matters the absolute most is what your husband finds disrespectful. Ask your husband what actions these are and make a mental note of them, or write them down in your journal. Ask him what actions really speak respect to him also. You’ll know which actions to phase out and which ones to increase. Pay attention to all his answers.

As wives, we have so much power to destroy our husbands or to build them up. We need to learn to be respectful wives who value our husbands’ leadership. We need to honor Christ with every word and action! I would bet if we showed them more respect they would show us more love. When a wife respects her husband it deepens her love for him. So really, it’s a win win situation for everyone 🙂 Lots of respect and lots of love, sounds pretty amazing to me. Godly submission and respect not only adorns the gospel; it makes us beautiful as well.

Hey y’all! Thanks for joining me for our July Bible Study on Godly submission! I’m so excited about this! I did this study a few years ago and learned so much from it, I’m super excited to go through it again with you!

Submission is a word that holds many definitions among the world. Offensive, not acceptable, inferior, controlling and not politically correct are among the few. But yet, It’s something we, as Christian wives, are called to do.

First, let me share my story…

As a woman who spent her entire life striving to be viewed as strong and independent, the thought of being submissive to anyone, let alone my husband, scared me to death. And I have to say, at first it made me angry. So angry that I completely rebelled against it and refused it. Yep, I was a child rebelling against what my Father had not only told, but commanded me to do.

Are you serious Jesus? Um, hello…I’m Amy…the girl that took the words “honor and obey” out of her vows for a reason! And now you want me to be submissive to my husband? Seriously? (On a quick side note, completely embarrassed and mortified that I actually took that out of my vows. What in the world was my 20 year old mind thinking?)

And He answered loud and clear…”YEP”

Wow, okay…deep breaths, I can do this…

Definition of submission: The word SUBMIT, according to Strong’s Lexicon is the Greek word hupotaso which was originally a Greek military term meaning “to arrange troop divisions under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, of cooperating, of sharing a burden. In other words, when the word submit is used in the Bible, it refers not only to a yielding and obedient attitude of the heart, but also, and equally importantly, to an attitude of co-operation and support. Without co-operation and support, things just don’t work the way they should.

What is submission? Submission is the acceptance of God’s order for our lives. As wives, we are to submit to Christ and submit to our husbands. Submission by a wife is to be voluntary. It’s part of our obedience to the Lord. There aren’t conditions to this submission either. We are called to submit to our husbands, even if we feel they don’t deserve it. We are to trust in their leadership, even if we don’t agree with it and submit to them even if we feel they aren’t meeting their roles.

Christian marriage is intended to be a picture of the relationship between Christ and His church. Let me say that again, because it blew my mind when I first learned it. Our marriage was designed specifically to mirror our relationship between Christ and His church. We are acting out a living parable where husbands represent Christ and wives represent the church to bring glory to God and to help our children and others around us grasp what God is like in a more concrete way. Does that change the way you look at marriage? It sure did with me. God intended marriage to mirror His relationship with the church so that we could basically be a testimony to others and SHOW them what God is like.

A marriage with Godly submission should be a faithful, intimate and loving relationship. Boy, doesn’t that sound like a far cry from what the world tells us submission is?
So it turns out submission isn’t a sign of weakness, like this silly girl thought all along, it’s a sign of respect! And of course I want to honor and respect my husband, I love him.

What submission is not: Submission is not abusive. God does not want women to be submissive to abusers. As wives, we have to be confident of our husband’s goodwill. Remember, the command to wives to submit to their husbands is followed by the command to husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for her (Ephesians 5:25). In cases of abuse, there is a mighty need for an intervention and Godly counsel. If you are in an abusive relationship, I would urge you to reach out tofocus ministries. It’s a Biblical based non-profit organization that offers counseling by phone, email, or in person. They want you to know you aren’t alone and you are oh so valuable to God!!!

Submission also shouldn’t be used for leverage. Submission absolutely comes with no strings attached. It is a heart desire to please God and do what is best for your family. I mean really, what wife doesn’t want to live in peace? Don’t we all desire that? There is such an inner peace that comes from living in harmony with our husbands while obeying God.

As women, we are quite good at knowing how to manipulate our husbands to get them to do what we want. Oh come on girls, we all know we’ve done it at one time or another. That is definitely not submission. And it’s something we should never, ever do.

Chuck Swindoll said this about submission:

Webster says that manipulation means “to control or play upon by unfair or insidious means, especially to one’s own advantage or to serve one’s own purpose.” In other words, secret manipulation is an unfair, insidious technique that results in getting what one wants. When handled cleverly, a wife can substitute secret manipulation for a quiet, submissive spirit. 

Why is submission so hard? And why is this so hard for me? It’s from a lack of surrender. Because I am, by nature, a controller. That controlling nature is nothing more than pride and sin bubbling to the surface. And the thoughts of not having control over a situation scares-me-to-death. But I believe God’s advice and His will to be the best for my life. Even if I don’t fully understand it, I trust Him. With that being said, I somehow had to figure it out because I don’t want to live my life is disobedience. So I asked God to teach me what it means.

Often we wives are afraid of losing control (and by “we wives” I really mean this wife right here) and WE get in the way of creating the marriages we ache for. You know, the one where we have a strong, confident, Godly man, who loves us like Christ loves the church. I know this girl certainly wants that type of marriage.

So this week, be an asset to your husband and try your best to learn what submission looks like in a Godly marriage. Don’t forget to stop back next Friday as we take a look at the beauty of submission. Remember, keep your eyes on Him!