Our marriage was dying.

It was like a slow, silent kind of death.  One we were both uncomfortably aware of but unwilling to speak about.

Hopelessness consumed our days.  We wore hurt and brokenness daily like winter jackets.

Our marriage seemed comprised of arguments, an unwillingness to understand or listen to each other and selfish hearts.

We were living in the same house and unsure of what the future looked like.

On a warm summer day the silence was broken and we found ourselves at a crossroads between divorce and reconciliation.

We spent days in silence that seemed so loud.  We spent days being swallowed up by anger.  We spent days having tear soaked faces.  We spent days having hopelessness walk beside us.

But, then GOD.

There was a night when I was at my breaking point.  In a panic I grabbed my keys, got in my car and started driving with no destination in mind.  I ended up on a hill in the middle of the woods.  It was a clear, warm summer night.  The sky was covered with stars and I could see for miles around.  I listened to hymns and sang along.  With a tear-soaked face I talked to God for hours on end.  In the moment I was seeking Him and God was seeking my heart.  When I left the hill that night I had something new, hope!

I could feel excitement stirring in my heart as I drove off that hill.  I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my husband what the conversation between God and I held.

In that moment we were catapulted into trusting Him more than we ever had to in the past.

We prayerfully handed our marriage to God, knowing we couldn’t revive it ourselves.  We trusted the God of Restoration to work miracles and bring our dead marriage back to life.

And with that, God breathed new life into our dying marriage.

We stepped boldly into reconciliation.  He showed us both forgiveness in a way we had never known and restored our marriage, making it better than it ever had been in the past.  Our marriage was now filled with compromise, hope, selflessness and love.

We quickly realized that prayer is a necessary piece of restoration.  We needed to seek the Lord’s wisdom daily and continually invite Him in.

Against all odds, against all friendly advice, against the worlds opinion we continually stood for our marriage.

Sixteen years later, our marriage is strong and solid, securely set now on a firm foundation. Perfect?  No, is any marriage truly perfect?  Better than my twenty-year-old, naive self dreamed? Without a doubt!

I want to speak to those of you who find yourselves where we were, in the midst of a dying marriage.  Your heart dreams of the day your marriage can be restored.  A time when the days aren’t so long and the nights aren’t as lonely.  Sweet friend, I was you not so long ago.

The first bit of advice I would give you is to make your stance on your marriage known.  Make it loudly known and do not budge on your decision.  Well-meaning people may try to sway your decision.  Kindly, lovingly but firmly let them know you are standing for your marriage, period.

Next, this isn’t a quick process.  There is no quick fix. It’s a long process with a series of steps.  It’s a marathon girl, but hang in there, even marathons have a finish line!  Surround yourself with godly, encouraging people who will cheer your marriage on from the sidelines.

Also know you aren’t alone.  When we were in the midst of our struggles, I liked to imagine God was sitting right beside me.  I’d have conversations with Him like we were friends chatting over coffee.  God can see into the deepest depths of your heart.  He knows exactly what it will take to restore hope into your heart, into your life and into your marriage.  He meets us where we are and loves us just as we are, sinners.  He showers us with his amazing grace.  We have a God who knows how we feel, and really cares.  He knows our doubts and hopelessness.  He can help when we’re willing to bring those things to him.  God walks with us during our hopeless times and never leaves us.

Lastly, make the choice to invite God in your marriage.  Romans 8:28 says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Our marriages aren’t exempt from this.  When we are in the middle of a trial in marriage, it’s hard to see how God could ever use it for good.  But He has promised to use them for good, and He is faithful to keep His word.  Invite God into your marriage and allow Him to heal the hopeless and the hardness.  He will bring beauty from the ashes.

Sometimes we sit and reminisce about those gut-wrenching hard times.  We talk about how we couldn’t have made it without God.  And we talk about where we are now.

There is something so precious about struggling together and coming out on the other side hand-in-hand.

I have been married to my sweet man for 24 years.  I have been married to him for more than half my life.  And I will admit, I’m still trying to figure out how men receive respect as love.  Sometimes I get it completely wrong.  And occasionally I feel like they should receive food as love.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that I can cook for him all the live long day but if I am not respecting him then in his eyes I’m not loving him.

As wives, we have incredible power in the lives of our husbands.  We have the power to build them up, or tear them down.

As wives, we love to feel loved and be romanced.  But for our husbands, they love to feel respected and to know we believe in them.  And I can assure you that feeling doesn’t come from a loaf of hot, homemade bread and potato soup.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

Our men need to know that they are enough just as they are, and they are exactly what we desire.

Each time you give your husband a loving word of praise, you are valuing him.  He will feel treasured, adored, loved and he will thrive.  But something even more amazing happens – when you verbally appreciate your spouse with sincerity, his value goes up in your eyes, too.  You see him the way you are describing him and he becomes more and more valuable to you.  It is a win-win situation.  With more words of affirmation, love grows.  And when you speak of your love for one another, it increases your intimacy.  Um, hello smokin’ hot marriage!  When his woman is behind him, he will be able to take on the world.   Side-note:  I would bet when you shower him with praise, affirmation and kind words…you’ll get the same in return!

Actions speak louder than words, we all know that.  I know my actions speak love to him.  Whether it’s me spending hours in the kitchen cooking his favorite meal, jumping in and helping him with a job or being interested in something he is passionate about.  But it’s also vitally important to also speak it.

And ladies, I encourage you to praise him in front of your kids.  First of all, remember your kids are learning what marriage looks like by watching you.  They sure do need to see that their Mama appreciates and respects their Dad.  It means backing him up when he’s made a decision (even if you don’t agree), it means not making a decision without talking to him first and it means speaking good about him even when he isn’t around.  We need to teach our littles to appreciate how hard their Dads work to support and lead our households!

In Ephesians 5:33 we are told Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  I’ve read this verse over and over again.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it.  God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband.  Period.  (Unless there is a Biblically moral issue at stake in which God’s authority will supersede our husbands).

Just a little side-note, it takes thirteen compliments to replace one negative comment.  Keep that tucked in the back of your mind when you’re hoppin’ mad at him and thinking of saying something rude or tearing him down.

Let’s help him take on the world today girls.  Here are some words of encouragement you can speak into your marriage and your mans heart today.

• Thank you for loving me.
• I am so glad to have you as my husband.
• I love that look you give me.
• I trust you.
• I am such a different woman because of you.
• Is there anything I can help you with?
• Thank you for being such a great husband.
• What is your opinion on this?
• Thank you for always being honest.
• You’re my favorite.
• Thank you for being faithful.
• I’m sorry, will you forgive me?
• I love holding your hand while we pray.
• Thank you for leading our home so well.
• You’re so cute/hot/sexy.
• I’m glad you’re my best friend.
• Hey, the kids are in bed early.
• I trust your judgement.
• You are such a great Dad.
• Those jeans and boots are so sexy on you.
• Thank you for trusting me.
• You can do anything you set your mind to.
• I’m so excited to do life alongside you.
• Thank you for working so hard for our family.
• Last night was amazing.
• You give the best hugs.
• I love how safe I feel with you.
• I’m so glad you’re my man.
• I am so incredibly proud of you.
• Thank you for helping me today, I couldn’t have done it without you.
• I absolutely adore your heart.
• I love spending time with you.
• Thank you so much for doing that for me.
• God knew my heart needed you.
• I can’t stop thinking about you today.
• You are so brave and strong.
• I appreciate you being so patient with me, I know it’s not easy.
• I have loved watching you grow in your walk with God.
• Your eyes are so sexy.
• Is there anything special you’d like me to cook for you?
• Thank you for making me feel beautiful.
• How about a kiss?
• Thank you for always supporting my dreams.
• In your arms is my favorite place to be.
• I know that was hard for you, you did it so well!
• Say please and thank you to him.
• You have such great integrity.
• I am more in love with you than ever.
• I love holding your hand.
• Our kids are sure blessed to have you as their Dad.
• I appreciate you putting our family first.
• I can’t wait to see you after work, I’ve missed you.
• You still take my breath away.
• You are exactly what I asked God for.
• I love you so much.

I am no stranger to storybook romance.  Marrying at twenty to the sweetest man, I am blessed to be familiar with love – love as a falling and a pursuit and a passion.  We were introduced for the first time on a cold February evening, bundled up as we stood outside while snow gently fell around us.  We stood there with our cherry-red noses, enamored with each other.  It felt like our own real Lifetime movie.

I am also no stranger to going against the grain and doing life differently than others.  One month later we were engaged.  We were married three months after that, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

We both entered marriage in love with being in love.  I adored the romance, comfort and support a spouse offered.  I loved waking up beside him each morning and laying down beside him each night.  I loved that he was my best friend and knew me better than anyone.  We had our own unwritten language and could share a look or a word that no one else would understand but WE knew what it meant.  I loved how he could make me laugh more than anyone else.

Falling in love is the most blissful feeling.  With each new discovery in your relationship, you feel yourself falling more and more in love.  You just know, in your heart of hearts, that you’ve found the right person to spend the rest of your life with.  You’ve found your person.  Your days are filled with dreams of getting married, writing their last name after your first name, having a family and sitting on the porch swing holding hands while watching your grand-kids play in the yard.  You are certain these feelings will last forever.  But they didn’t.

You start off optimistic and in love, then real life happens all around you.

Eventually the laundry piles up, the kids are hanging on your leg screaming, you’re both sleep deprived from the new baby, the house looks like a tornado went through and the bills are more than your income.  In that moment you feel your happily ever after begin to wear off.

You begin to wonder if you even married the right person.   It seems everything he does gets on your nerves, from the way he leaves his socks on the stairs to the way he chews his food.  The person you are married to isn’t the same person you fell in love with.  You begin to doubt your choice.  You look at other couples around you, so happily in love, and you wonder why you don’t have that.  You feel life isn’t fair, at least yours isn’t.  Before long, you can feel your heart slowly drifting away from his.

Sometimes the waters are so rough, you wonder if you’ll make it through.

Slowly over time bricks pile up one by one — a small comment that hurts or being too tired to share details from the day.  Each one doesn’t seem like a big deal, but over days and weeks they pile up to create a wall.  Sure, these bricks can be torn down, but it takes vulnerability.  Someone has to reach out to the other person with a hug, kiss or a kind word.  The same fatigue from the everyday stress of life, the stress which allowed the wall to go up, makes it hard to tear it down.

Throughout the years, I’ve collected every card and love letter my husband has written me.  I have them all safely tucked away but on occasion will pull an old one out and pour over the words.  It’s in that moment, between the lines, I can see this love of ours has, without a doubt, changed over time.

It isn’t because it’s any less.  It isn’t because we’re walking through a valley.  It isn’t because the laundry is piled sky high and the bills are mounting.  It is something different.

Throughout the past twenty-four years we’ve made a conscious choice to daily say that we still do, even now.  Especially now.

He has continued to choose me, even on days I wear sweat pants and a messy bun.  He has continued to choose me, throughout every sickness and surgery.  He has continued to choose me, even when I’m undeserving.

And I’ve chosen him.

Love is strung together choices.  The feelings, undoubtedly, will rise and fall.  Being in love with love will fade as the toughness of life becomes a reality.  As life goes on we all change, we grow, we mature, and life changes us.  But marriage is not meant to be a lifetime commitment to fairy tale love alone.  Marriage is designed to be a repetitive I do, a daily commitment of choosing us over me.  You choose to love who they are at each point in life, not only who they used to be.

Marriage was designed specifically by God to mirror the relationship between Christ and His church.  In marriage, we are acting out a living parable to help our children and others around us grasp what God is like in a more concrete way.

Over the years God has softened and shaped my heart.  He has shown me that I need to love my husband without unreal, fairy tale expectations.  He has shown me that marriage means intentionally looking for love.  It’s in those moments I am flooded with displays of love right in front of me.  Love is the endless miles he’s driven me to doctor appointments.  Love is the hug, kiss and butt slap I get when he walks in the door.  Love is the laundry he does.  Love is his understanding that somehow 8 backyard chickens suddenly became 30.  Love is his support of all my crazy Pinterest ideas.  It’s in these ways and thousands of others that he shows me, he tells me, he loves me.

I am so thankful our love story has so many chapters left to be written in it.  As your love story is written by the ultimate Author of love, you might just be surprised at the romance you find.  And just how much your husband does, in fact, resemble prince charming.  No matter what the situation, or what mess it may hold, he’s still my hero and I’m still his girl.