I remember the exact moment those words flew past my lips.

I hope I’m not pregnant, this marriage is worthless!

I remember everything about that moment…where I was standing, what I had on, what the lighting looked like and more than anything I remember the look on his face.

In that moment my marriage felt hopeless and to be honest, not worth saving.

I want to tell you this, from my heart directly to yours, every marriage is worth saving.

Sometimes marriage is hard.  Really, really hard.  And by hard I don’t mean disagreements over where to go to dinner.  I don’t mean dirty, wet towels being left on the floor.  I mean in the trenches, fighting the battle to bring darkness into light, when satan comes at you from every direction to steal your joy and your hope because he knows he is loosing ground kind of hard.

Maybe in your marriage you are the only one fighting for it.  It is such a helpless feeling to have a sense that your marriage is slipping away and you cannot convince your spouse to work on the relationship.  That dynamic is common – one spouse is emotionally exhausted, and eventually withdraws from the marriage.  The other spouse responds too late, finally understands and then, out of desperation, frantically tries to talk their spouse into staying.

Perhaps your spouse has already filed for divorce and the decision is out of your hands.  That may be the end result for your relationship, though I pray not.  If it is, cling to God like never before and allow Him to carry you through it.

I cannot make guarantees about what will happen for you, but looking back at our history, and hearing the histories of others, I am convinced that God wants to save your marriage.  He wants to start with your soul, but He cares deeply about your covenant with your spouse.

When my husband and I went through a rough in-the-trenches season of marriage there were only two things that helped us survive…handing our marriage to God and clinging to hope.

A big thing to remember is God doesn’t work on our time schedule.  And that, my friends, was a hard pill for me to swallow.  I am a hard-headed, impatient girl.  But God had some work to do on my heart first.  And it wasn’t until I had learned those lessons that things would start improving in our marriage.

I needed to nurture my relationship with Jesus for my relationship with my husband to change.

When it feels like all hope is lost, hand that relationship over to God.  Pray for His direction, discernment and allow Him to lead you.  Oh, how many times I’ve hit my knees praying for the right words, actions that would please Him and a heart that follows His.  I’ve thrown myself at my Fathers feet in a teary hot mess heap more times than I can count.

Please, I plead with you, don’t make a rash decision while your heart is hurting.  Many days, divorce sounds like the best and sometimes easiest option.  Believe me, there were days that through my tears and brokenness I just wanted to throw my hands up, admit defeat and file for divorce.  But I heard God consistently telling me to stand for my marriage, regardless of what the world told me to do.  He showed me divorce extracted a high price, a price I simply wasn’t willing to pay.

When you hand your marriage over to Him, you open yourself to a beautiful reconciliation full of grace.  A relationship that, once it has endured the storm, will come out of it stronger and new. Through fighting in the trenches side-by-side, all the late night conversations, all the deepness, you now know each other differently.  This is the blessing of true healing from the hands of God.

But in the midst of the battle, God hears us.  He hears our cries. When you call out to God in your distress, He hears your voice. And it moves His heart.  He can see into the deepest depths of your heart and He knows exactly what it will take to restore Hope into your heart, into your life and into your marriage.  He doesn’t wait for us to “clean up our act”.  He meets us where we are and loves us just as we are, sinners.  He showers us with His amazing grace.  We have a God who not only knows our doubts and hopelessness, but our tears and pain break His heart.

At times, taking it day by day seems like such a big task.  Take it minute by minute if you must, and allow His grace to carry you through each one.

I know even reading this post made your heart ache and your eyes well with tears.  I wish so very much I could reach through this screen and give you a big hug and just cry with you.  One day the pain will be a little less, I promise.  One day your husband will walk past you in the kitchen, brush up against your arm and you’ll feel those butterflies again.  The good days will be more often.  And each week, there will be more glimpses of sunshine.  Eventually your good days will run together, and smiles and laughter will abound.  Trust me, you will get there if you allow God to heal your heart.  He brings beauty from the ashes.

His answers don’t always come as quickly as we hope.  It isn’t always the answer we want or expect.  And yet, He is faithful.  He is good.  And we will praise Him still.

You will move on past this.  You will hold your head high, knowing the storm may have knocked you down but it didn’t win.

By the way, I found out the next day that I was indeed pregnant.  And that was 20 years ago!  I am so thankful that our love story didn’t end there, that it did have many more God-scripted chapters to it.  The reward of restoration was well worth the wait.  And I am eternally thankful that our love was rescued by God!

For years, I’ve felt God calling me to help restore marriages.  I remember telling my husband how I really felt God was giving me a heart for marriage, especially ones in crisis.

We live in very much a Pinterest and social media age.  Our private lives are more public than they’ve ever been.  And because of that many couples focus more on preparing a picture-perfect wedding day than they do their future marriage.

But cultivating a good marriage requires work and intention. 

We are no strangers to storybook romance.  Marrying at 20 and 22, we are blessed to be familiar with this form of love – love as a falling and a pursuit and a passion.  We were introduced for the first time on a cold February evening, bundled up as we stood outside while snow gently fell around us.  We stood there with our cherry-red noses, enamored with each other.

One month later we were engaged.

We were married three months after that, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

We haven’t been together over half of our lives by chance.  Recently, we’ve examined our nearly 24 years of marriage and discussed not only why but how we got to where we are.  And how we could help others get there as well.

Through those conversations we’ve made a list of things God has taught us throughout the ridiculously blessed, hard years we’ve been married.  I pray they help you protect your marriage not only in the good seasons, but also when things feel out of control.

• Keep God at the center of your marriage.  This is a lesson we learned the hard way. Marriage is difficult. Actually, difficult is an understatement.  Let’s be real here, there are going to be days you hope he chokes on his cereal.  The hardness of marriage is obvious when you see how many couples end in divorce. It’s two imperfect people living together, failing daily. The only way to make your marriage truly work is to center it on Christ. You have to rely on God for wisdom, power, love and strength for your marriage.  And forgiveness, for that one time you hoped he would choke.
• Allow him to lead without stepping in the way.  This was a hard lesson for this stubborn, independent girl to learn.  Um, hello…I took the words honor and obey out of my marriage vows. I know, not my most shining moment.  I would tell him I wanted him to lead but then tell him he wasn’t doing it right.  Sure as the sun rises and sets, I’d step in and take over.  I wish I could say it was easy to stop, but I’m stubborn.  And it took lots (read this as an abnormal amount) of life lessons from God and probably the hardest heart work He’s ever done.
• Don’t bad mouth your husband in front of your children or anyone else.  So help me, do not talk bad about him to others ever!  Build that man up.  Let him know that he is adequate, enough and that he has your respect.  The world will be cruel enough. Make sure he knows he always has a friend in you.  Not long ago my husband came home and simply said “thank you”.  He had spent time listening to others complain about their spouse, and he was grateful that he is able to trust I wouldn’t do that.
• Don’t put your kids first.  Hear me out on this one. Don’t allow your mothering to take precedence over your marriage. Is being a Mama important? Well, absolutely! Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man. I’ve watched marriages suffer because the kids were made top priority. The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like strangers. You have to nourish your marriage!
• Never stop trying to improve your marriage.  We’ve been married for 23 gloriously hard years, and we are still looking for ways to improve.  Keep reading, keep learning, keep improving and don’t ever get comfortable and let your guard down.  If one thing doesn’t work, try something else.  The best advice I’ve heard is to run your marriage like a business.  Successful businesses are successful because of the amazing foundation they’re built on. I even think business meetings for your marriage are a great idea! I purchased The Marriage Journal written by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff, and I would highly recommend it as a tool for weekly meetings with your spouse! The journal has 6 questions that you will ask each other, and record your answers to, once a week. Each week also includes a devotional to help foster good conversation. There is a week long calendar page for you and your spouse to communicate about events, appointments, social gatherings, and big to-do’s in the upcoming week. You can purchase the journal HERE.
• Let others know he is yours.  I don’t mean buy him one of those “I love my wife” shirts and making him wear it every other day.  Although once upon a time I may have bought my husband that exact shirt. I am one of those Facebook posters that loudly proclaims my love for my husband. Even though it’s possibly obnoxious I just can’t help it, I love that sweet man and I want everyone to know it.
• Sex is important. No, it’s not everything…but it’s one notch below.  God designed sex and marriage to go hand in hand. God intended sex to create a oneness within our marriage. We don’t want to feel deprived and neither do our spouses.  I read a book a few years ago that was a sex game changer and I highly recommend it to all married couples.  It was Intimacy Ignited by Dr. Joseph and Linda Dillow and Dr. Peter and Lorraine Pintus.  Also, The Passion Principles by Shannon Ethridge.  You can also check out my posts from my Ignite Intimacy series here.
• Never stop dating. We take every opportunity we can to sneak a date in.  Sometimes it’s just to get groceries and sometimes it’s a weekend away.  Date nights can keep you connected as a couple, which is especially good if you have kids.
• Most fights are over stupid things. Honestly, stupid things that don’t really even matter.  I once spent an entire day furious at my husband for buying me the wrong value meal from McDonald’s.  I mean, after this long he should know what I like…right?  I could fill this blog post and four others with the absolutely ridiculous, stupid things I’ve gotten mad over.  When I was younger {okay, and even sometimes now} I always wanted to prove my point and have the last word.  I’ve learned it’s more important to prove your love than your point. And what’s the best way to do that?  Not arguing over dumb things.  And eating that burger, even though it has onions on it, and you hate onions, and he should know that.
• Thank him.  We all like to be appreciated and know that what we do doesn’t go unnoticed. An attitude of gratitude creates a positive environment.  Some nights before we go to sleep, I simply thank him for loving me.
• Never stop pursuing him. Write him love notes and tuck them in his lunchbox. Send him a racy text (I highly suggest knowing the location of his phone before this one). Tell him how much you appreciate him. Buy the stinkin’ lingerie that he likes on you, even if you feel it’s a waste of money. Kiss him and hold his hand, even if you’re in a horribly long checkout line at WalMart.  Pursue that mans heart daily.
• Don’t be disrespectful.  Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. {Ephesians 5:33} I’ve read this verse over and over again trying to find a loophole.  There isn’t one.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it. God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband. And for the love of all, do not talk bad about him to others ever!  I know I already said this above but y’all, it’s important!  Not even to your Mama.
• Have fun together! One thing I can say about my husband and I is we know how to have fun, and laugh while doing anything!  Some of it may be at inappropriate times and places but at least we’re laughing.  You need to make sure you have fun together too! Fun is a key ingredient to a successful friendship. No one wants to spend time with a Debbie Downer (or someone that gets super mad over onions on their burger).  Laugh.  And laugh.  And laugh some more.

 

To my sweet, sweet man…

Twenty-three years ago today, I became your wife.  Today we celebrate 23 amazing, hard, exhausting, lovely, fun, exasperating, insightful, beautiful, blessed and love filled years I’ve been married to you. Where do I even begin?

At 22 and 20, we were just a couple of kids so madly in love.  We didn’t know a lot back then, but we knew one thing for certain: we belonged together.  And now, over two decades later, I can say with absolute certainty that the past 23 years with you have been the best of my entire life.  When you asked me to marry you, you knew you were getting a broken girl.  Yet you grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and stepped forward with me.  With you by my side, everything else seemed to melt away.  At that point in my life I needed to feel worthy, loved and protected.  I needed so badly to feel safe, to not feel as if I needed to constantly look over my shoulder and to not be scared anymore.  And with you I have always had that.  You rescued me from all the past pain, struggles and hurt.  With you, I have always felt safe and protected.  While we always joke and say I saved you, in all actuality you saved me.

You also knew you were getting a strong-willed girl, though I’m not sure you knew the extent of it.  I was a woman who had spent her entire life striving to be viewed as strong, independent and not needing a man.  I could change my own oil, put shingles on my house and braze anything that needed it.  I thought I knew it all and needed a man for nothing.  And the thought of being submissive to anyone, let alone my husband, not only scared me but made me angry.  I even suggested having honor and obey taken out of our vows.  But over the past 23 years, as Christ entered our marriage, you’ve lead our home and gently guided me.  You’ve shown me such grace which I am so thankful for.  I now consider it such a joy to be submissive and love watching you lead our family!

Twenty-three years later, and are you still the man of my dreams?  Yes and no.

You aren’t perfect, but you are perfect for me.  You have seen me at my worst yet staid by my side holding my hand.  You understand my hopes and dreams, always supporting them.  And catch me every time I fall.

You make me smile when I’m feeling sad and make me laugh so hard when I’m mad as a hornet.  You remind me that life doesn’t always have to be serious and try and break me out of my “plan everything” shell and teach me to be spontaneous.  You teach me daily the importance of loyalty, forgiveness and selflessness.  You’ve taught me that family doesn’t always mean blood.  And you embody the courage to say I love you even during the moments I can’t.

Thanks to you, I’m a little more fun, a little more vibrant, a little more youthful and a little less worrisome.  At least I try to be.  And despite all the ups and downs of marriage, I know you love me inside and out regardless of my size, for who I am, not for who I appear to be.

Our marriage has gone through loss, countless ups and downs, sickness and health, two babies and a soon to be daughter-in-love, job changes, night-shifts, sleepless nights of sick children, financial strain and ease, differing opinions and enough explosive fights to blow most people’s fights out of the water.  We’ve loved hard and fought even harder.  We fought hard because we were afraid to lose each other in this reality called marriage.  At times we’ve felt betrayed by the stranger who seemed to have replaced each other, and other times we were afraid because our marriage felt like it was sinking.  During these moments we fight not to love, but to pass through the valley together without letting go of each other’s hand.  We can’t lose hope and we can’t give up on each other.  We keep walking and we keep trying.  Sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s me and sometimes it’s both of us.  But one thing remains certain.

We have a mutual understanding, a silent contract, a promise that binds our two souls.  We both know with God at the center of our marriage anything is possible.  No matter how hard it seems, we don’t give up on each other.

What is hard is life.  But waking up next to you, my best friend, every morning is not hard.  Having someone by my side that has seen me at my weakest and my worst, that looks past the 3rd day of dry shampoo and sweatpants, that knows the good and bad of the depths of my soul but loves me anyways…that is not hard.

What I’ve realized is the man of my dreams wasn’t real, it was a fairy tale I created in my mind.  And what we’ve come to realize together throughout these 23 years is marriage means intentionally looking for love.  It’s choosing each other daily.  Love is strung together choices.  The feelings, undoubtedly, will rise and fall.  Being in love with love, which I was as a young bride, will fade as the toughness of life becomes a reality.  As life has went on we’ve changed, we’ve grown, we’ve matured, and life has changed us.  But I’ve also learned marriage is not meant to be a lifetime commitment to fairy tale love alone.  Marriage is designed to be a repetitive I do, it’s a daily commitment of choosing us over me.  We’ve chosen to love each other at each point in our lives.

Together through the years we’ve learned so much.  It much easier to allow you to chose the restaurant, otherwise with my indecisiveness would surely starve.  Always hold hands, even when you’re mad.  And especially in church.  Continue to pursue each others hearts and never stop dating.  The kids will survive if you turn on Spongebob and lock your bedroom door.  Kiss and dance around the kitchen while you’re cooking dinner.  Never turn down a butt smack.  Be each others most important friend.  Listen to everything we say to one another even when you’re not interested.  And most importantly, never treat divorce as an option.

Thank you for daily loving me, cherishing me and appreciating what I do for our family.  Thank you for daily accepting my flaws, forgiving my wrongs, accommodating my weaknesses and inspiring me to be better.

Today, on our twenty-third anniversary, I realize that we are once again completely unaware of what the years ahead may hold. But as we continue to walk down that road I know that we will be together with God by our side.  You will be right there, holding my hand, as we walk through the valleys and reach the beautiful mountaintops.  And I couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

I love you sweet boy.

PS…thank you for always being the official spider killer so I don’t have to burn our house down.