Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

Parenting a Child With Anxiety

Just get over it.

Stop worrying then.

Learn how to deal with life.

It’s time to grow up.

Stop babying her.

I’ve heard every one of those statements when speaking to someone about my daughters anxiety disorder.  I truly believe these comments come from a heartfelt place, I have to believe that.  Otherwise they would, and sometimes do, break my heart.  And though those statements are hard to hear, and send a pang of sadness to my heart, I know it’s simply because they are uneducated about anxiety disorders.

So with this blog post, I want to give you a glimpse into parenting a child that has been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, slight OCD and Dyslexia.

With an anxiety disorder, the anxiety is daily, if not multiple times a day. It can happen during the day, or it can wake you out of a sound sleep. The symptoms are countless; heavy breathing, weakness, dizziness, difficulty breathing, vomiting, racing heart, migraines, mental exhaustion and a list of symptoms that can go on for pages. Once the attack is over, physical exhaustion sets in.

I’m in these trenches daily, and I can assure you that just getting over it isn’t a possibility.  If it was, don’t you think she would have chose that option a long time ago?  The debilitating problem with anxiety and panic disorders is that you simply can’t calm down.  There’s this stigma about anxiety that it’s just fear and being nervous. That doesn’t even come close.

Many times with her anxiety attacks, she has no idea what the trigger even was.  Waking in the middle of the night in the middle of an attack.  Lying in bed at night reading a book, and an attack comes on.  How do you prepare yourself for those?

Do you know how many teens are in crisis? In the throes of mental illness or depression?  MILLIONS.  So do the math: that means millions of parents are suffering alongside teens that are suffering.

An easy target for judgment or shame, so many families in crisis struggle alone, afraid, embarrassed or just too exhausted to reach out.  Society expects three-year-olds to act like raging lunatics, but yet we don’t know what to do with a teen that has debilitating anxiety attacks.

Because we live in a society where blame has to be placed, so often parents get the side eye: What did you do wrong?  What didn’t you do right?  What could you have done differently?  Why do you baby them?  There is no parenting formula that ensures any child’s path.  Families in crisis don’t need a jury of their peers; they need a community of support.

Then there is the very real reality of mental illness and emotional disorders that many teens are battling.  If a child had liver failure, we would support those parents wanting to go to the ends of the earth for medical care.  We would be the greatest support network, and all the earth would rally to fight for their health.  Yet, so many of our teens are physically broken in their minds and hearts.  But instead of a chorus of support, their families receive silence or judgment or disappointment which compounds grief and lays a heavy yoke on those who are already suffering.

Now, on to another ouchy part of this post.

Anxiety tends to be one of those touchy subjects that is tough to tackle from a Christian perspective.  This isn’t to paint the Church with broad strokes.  I don’t want to come off as saying every Christian in every church thinks this way.  That isn’t true.  I’m thankful to have a church-family that is understanding, caring and always willing to learn more about anxiety.  Incorrect beliefs about mental illness are throughout our culture, Christian or not.

One very popular Pastor, and college professor, actually preached an entire sermon, and wrote a blog post, on this topic:

Anxiety is one of the evil conditions of the heart that comes from unbelief.

To say that left me stunned and shocked is an understatement.

My daughter is a Christian and loves God with all her sweet little heart.  But Christians are not immune to anxiety disorders.  One sad idea that exists in some Christian circles is that anxiety is  spiritual in nature.  Some Christians sincerely believe that a person should not experience anxiety if they just have enough faith and trust in God.  As you see above from the Pastors sermon topic, some Christians not only believe that but preach about it.  I’m here to tell you that is simply not true.  That is like saying someone with a broken arm didn’t have enough faith BUT if they had greater faith it would be healed.

Also, as Christians, we shouldn’t discourage the use of medications in treating anxiety disorders or other mental health problems.  We wouldn’t dismiss a diabetic who uses insulin or a cancer patient who uses chemo as someone who obviously doesn’t trust God enough.  In the same way, we shouldn’t look at those who take medication for anxiety as somehow lacking in their faith.

Here is what you can do for a fellow Christ-follower that struggles with anxiety.  Pray for them and with them.  Love on them.  Encourage them to seek counseling, faith-based if possible.  Check in with them.  Let them know that we serve a God who knows brokenness.  A God who is well acquainted with pain.  And since He also knows everlasting life, He is with them even in the midst of a heart-thundering anxiety attack.  His presence doesn’t mean we won’t suffer hard things.  Some of our struggles may never go away, but He is with us in the midst of them, keeping us, helping us.  Anxiety will tell them you can’t handle this.  But the truth is with God we are stronger than we think, because in our weakness He is the strongest!

I want you to know what it’s like to be a Mama to a child with severe anxiety.  I want you to read my words.  To feel, if even for a moment, how I feel.  And to try your best to understand.

It is sitting in the bathroom with your 5-year-old daughter during a thunderstorm.  Reassuring her that it will be over soon.  And sitting patiently with her while she vomits for hours.

It is climbing to the very top of an inside playground, because my 6-year-old is frozen in fear and afraid to come down herself.

It is your 7-year-old enduring two months of bedtime vomiting because she thinks she may have ate something that would cause her to die.

It is taking your third-grader to therapy for an eating disorder.  Telling her that even though they had an assembly on “healthy eating”, that doesn’t mean she should just choose not to eat for fear of every food choice being unhealthy.

It is countless trips to the school to sit through meetings.  Listening to her be called lazy, inattentive and compared to her older brother.  Begging for years for them to listen to my mother instinct, and test her for dyslexia.  And endlessly being my daughters advocate.

It is always ordering her food for her and speaking for her because of her fear of saying the wrong thing.

It is always accompanying her to the buffet because of her fear of going alone.

It is avoiding any stress that will cause an instant trip to the bathroom to vomit.  It is always having a plan and a way out.

It is taking your 14-year-old into a funeral home.  And when you walk in, she freezes and is unable to speak or walk.  It is helping her through the funeral home until you can get her to the car.

It is scurrying to shut the TV or radio off as soon as a storm or tornado warning comes on, and hoping she didn’t hear it.

It is watching her suffer through a flair-up that lasts weeks on end.  Daily vomiting and losing nearly 20 pounds.

It is listening to, and talking about, the same topic every day because her body won’t let her mind rest about it.

It is your Mama heart breaking over and over again because you feel so helpless, but wish you could take it for her.  And crying silent tears into your pillow.  I can reassure her. I can encourage her and prepare her for change, but I can not take her anxiety away.

It is having a front seat to her life, watching her grow into a kind, tenderhearted Jesus loving girl.  A girl who has such a heart for kids with special needs because of her own struggles.

It is listening to her quote verses and telling you the night before she prayed during her anxiety attack.

It is so much more than just needing to grow up and learn to deal with life.  This is our life.  This is our normal.

Soaking in These Moments

This morning I stood at my office window and watched the first glimpses of sunlight.  I watched as the sun peeked up over the trees and kissed the sky.  I can’t remember the last time I did that, yet it is a daily ritual for the sun.

As I stood there savoring the first glimmers of sunlight, I asked myself: what have I been stopping to savor in place of moments like these?

And the was clear and came quickly: the wrong things.

Like the cat vomit I stepped in before I had even wiped the sleep from my eyes or how easy it feels for people to walk out of my life.

Savoring. Soaking in. Replaying those moments. Not because they are good, but because they caused me pain and I rather enjoy feeling sorry for myself.

If there is one thing I’m good at, it’s holding a grudge. Actually, I might even be considered a professional grudge holder.  If I don’t have time to think over the bad right then, I’ll tuck it in my pocket to pull out later.  

Good things happen every day along with the bad. And with a simple refocus, it’s up to me what I choose to soak in. Enjoying the good moments make the bad a little more bearable.

These tiny treasures of moments aren’t loud. They aren’t obnoxious. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy to miss them. They speak softly and get crowded out in the mad jumble of a hurried life.

Today. Today I’m taking the time to savor and soak in these priceless moments. Holding them softly in my hands like precious gifts.

  • The sweet phone call from my 19-year-old, excited to tell me he bought me a canning pot at a great price.
  • The excitement on my 17-year-olds face, covered with special effects makeup, asking me to take a photo of it.
  • Walking out my door and being greeted by 42 happy, hoping-for-a-yummy-treat chickens.
  • My daughter throwing her hands around my waist for a Mama hug in the kitchen.
  • Holding my husbands hand as we walk down from the chicken coops after feeding.
  • The morning phone chat with my Mama. And our across-the-yard chats in the summer.
  • Cooking my husbands favorite childhood meal, and sitting around the table as a family to enjoy it.
  • The always-happy-to-see-me greeting from my two sweet dogs.
  • Tickle wars in the living room.
  • My husbands gracious spirit and always, always being willing to run to the store for me.
  • Hearing my Dads backhoe or truck running from across the yard.

I’m not naive enough to think these moments will last forever.  And today, I’m soaking every one of those moments in.

These are the things I need to fill my mind with. These moments are tiny treasures that serve as a reminder that this too shall pass and that, yes, it really is all worth it.

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise… Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9

Why I’m Not Raising A Feminist Daughter

I’m a wife, Mama, daughter, sister, friend, blogger, business owner and former feminist.

My Dad always told me I could do anything, whether it be putting shingles on a roof, putting a universal joint in his ’69 Chevy or dragging out the acetylene tanks and welding. I don’t blame this on my Daddy, he had GREAT intentions. And I’m so thankful of the knowledge he taught me.

I’m the one who took it and turned it into a heart issue.

I grew up thinking I could do anything that a man could do. And if a man told me I couldn’t do it, I would make sure to prove him wrong. I wanted to be viewed as strong and independent. I even took the words “honor and obey” out of my vows. No one was going to control me, especially not my husband.

And then I became a Mama.

As my babies were growing up, I realized I couldn’t align myself with feminism anymore. Their message is the opposite of what I’m teaching my kids.

I’m teaching my daughter modesty, they feel it’s patriarchy. I’m teaching my son to be a gentleman, they feel it’s benevolent sexism. I’m teaching my daughter to be submissive to her husband, they feel that’s degrading. I’m teaching my son to be hard-working and provide for his family, they feel that they can provide for themselves. I’m teaching my daughter purity, they feel your body is yours to do with what you please. I’m teaching my son to treat his wife like a princess, they feel that’s offensive.

I simply cannot align myself with a message that has morphed into something accusatory, degrading, offensive and opposed to the morals and messages I am teaching my kids.

I’m actually super excited we are raising our littles the way we are, the opposite of how the world would have them raised. I want my son to be chivalrous, to open doors and carry heavy loads. I want my daughter to be told she’s beautiful. I want my son to take his fiance out on a date and pay the bill without expecting anything in return. I want my daughter to know she can depend on her husband. I want my littles to know the beauty of a Christ-centered marriage.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2

The recent feminist campaigns are so degrading, I can’t help but feel they lost their direction amongst the shuffle of finding issues to fight for. Their messages come across so crass and offensive, it actually muddies the water and their direction is no longer clear.

With God, we have clear direction. We have a perfect owners manual for life in the Bible. And in the Bible we see that while we are created equal, we were given specific roles.

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Ephesians 5:23-25

I recently came across something that baffled me and shook me to my core, feminist Christians.  Their strong opinions left my head reeling.  They don’t believe in biblical gender roles, submission or mamas staying at home.  If you support any of those things and speak out in support, you’re labeled as legalistic.  I was shocked, to say the least, at the disrespect they showed towards men and how easily they belittled them.  
I just caution you to beware of the teachings you follow.  It’s so easy to be lead astray by ministries that seem to be flashy and pretty on the outside.  It’s not until you delve deeper that you find their core belief system is skewed. 
But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction. 2 And many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of truth will be blasphemed. 3 And in their greed they will exploit you with false words. Their condemnation from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep.
2 Peter 2:1-3

And that my friends is why we are teaching submission, headship and living a Christ-centered marriage. While it might not be the worlds opinion, we are following Gods word. That will bring joy, peace, contentment, fulfillment and freedom! And in turn, your life will bring glory to God. Isn’t that what it’s all about?