Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

Thankful {16/30}

If y’all have followed me for a time, you know my story.  This medical journey of mine has felt never ending at times, and sometimes seems like an uphill battle.  But throughout it all, and I can’t say this enough, it has been filled with so many blessings along the way.  And every drop of that glory goes to God.

A lot of my journey I’ve keep private.  If you’ve never been chronically ill, you may not understand this, but sometimes you just get tired of talking about it.  You get tired of not being normal.  And even though I’m sure this isn’t true, I feel like people get tired of hearing about it.  If you ask me how I’m doing, I will more than likely answer “I’m good” as it’s my go-to answer.  But just know there is, and always will be, things going on in my journey.  I’ve had to accept and just come to realize this is what my normal is now.  

Last year started another journey, one I wasn’t accustomed to.  It was one of those things I’ve kept private.  In June God led me to the most amazing, caring doctor.  I knew the moment she opened her mouth that she was sent by Him directly into my path to be a part of my journey.

Last week I walked back into that doctors office so full of hope.  And then I heard the words I never wanted to hear “she isn’t here anymore”.  A few unthinkable heart-wrenching things transpired during that appointment and when I walked out those doors, my heart was crushed and my mind was reeling.  I’ve never in my entire life had a nightmare situation make me feel in my heart like that one had.

What had just happened?  How is that possible?  How will I ever adjust?  What does this mean to me, to my life and to my family?

Before I go any further let me just say I’m not going to go into detail, so please don’t message me (or my family) and ask for specifics.  Just know what happened stung, no it down right hurt, and it’s something no one should ever have to deal with.

I took a few teary days filled with me continually giving it to Him, and then snatching it right back.  Worry, fear and heartache consumed me.

Thankfully a few days away with my love had been, I’m sure not by chance, scheduled right in those days.  It was exactly what my heart needed to heal.  God knows what we need so much better than we do y’all.

Last night, as I lay snuggling my snoring husband, I prayed.  I prayed harder than I have in a long time.  And I gave every single drop of it to Him.  I refuse to allow satan to keep convincing me that God isn’t big enough to handle this in the most perfect way.

Today, I am so extremely thankful for prayers.  And I covet all of yours.  As you are reading this, I’m getting ready to walk into a new doctors office starting a new journey.  Please be praying for the situation, for truth to be revealed, for the doctors knowledge and understanding and for Gods hand to be shown throughout it all.  Pray for my heart, as it’s still reeling and needs time to heal.  And pray for me to accept the outcome, no matter what.

On our way home Saturday, I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.  Joe looked over and saw them and instantly grabbed my hand.  I can’t even express how much this man is my rock.  A few miles down the road, in a town where we don’t know a soul, there was a community craft show.  Joe convinced me to go in and walk around, even though I would have been content to sit in the car and cry.  We walked through the doors and I walked up to a table.  Y’all, nearly the first thing I saw was a sign that said “Today’s Trials are Tomorrows Testimonies”.  And you can bet I bought that right up.  Perfect timing, perfect placement and a perfect statement.  I have it sitting right in my office beside my desk to continually remind me just whose battle this is.  I know God is going before me and preparing my heart for every situation.

Thank you so much for your prayers.  Prayer is a powerful thing and God hears each and every one of them.  Y’all are the best prayer warriors!!

Thankful {14/30}

Today I am thankful for being a country girl. For dirt roads and corn fields. For chicken raising and garden growing. For the ability to change my own oil, bake up a cake from scratch and put shingles on the roof. For learning to drive a 1946 John Deere H when I was 11. For cowboy boots, t-shirts and jeans. For loving to get muddy and spinning out every chance I get. For not being afraid to tackle any task while my husband is at work…whether it’s putting new plumbing in the toilet or replacing the thermocoupler on my furnace.  For my Mama showing me how to grow and can my own food. For my Dad teaching me dirt washes off, how to replace a universal joint, how to mix bondo {which I love the smell of…is that weird?} and how to weld and braze. For being country since the first breath I took, even when it wasn’t cool. There is no place else I’d rather be than in my little Small Town, USA.

Thankful {13/30}

I am so completely thankful for music. It’s such a HUGE part of our lives in this household. With one note it can take you soaring back to a moment in time. It can lift your soul. It can make you shed tears of grief. And it can make laugh. Music is a universal language, you don’t even have to understand the words if the artist is pouring their soul into the song.

Just as books have always always always been a huge part of my life, so has music. I can remember singing along with my Dad to a Statler Brothers record when I was just a wee one. He gave me my love of southern gospel quartets. Every summer, we would pack up the car and head an hour away to the Gospel Singing Convention. It was always one of my favorite days!

As a young girl, I can remember standing beside my parents every Sunday in church and waiting impatiently to sing a hymn. Singing was always my favorite part of the service. The song leader would announce the hymn number and I would quickly grab my hymnal and stand, always being one of the first ones up. As soon as the hymn would start, my Dad’s voice could plainly be heard above the rest of the congregation. When he would start singing, I would stand a little taller. I was so proud of my Dad’s singing voice, his ability to harmonize easily and his knowledge of virtually every verse of every hymn.

As I grew up, my love of music transpired into learning to play the piano, clarinet and bass clarinet. I was lucky enough to have a piano teacher that was also a Christian and attended the same church we did, so many of my weekly lessons were learning to play hymns. I can assure you there were many a night spent around the piano (not always willingly on my part), playing hymns with my Dad singing melody and me singing harmony. I can remember the neighbors saying how they enjoyed sitting on their porches in the summer listening to us. And Sunday mornings when the song leader would call out a hymn that I KNEW we had practiced at home, I would do a little victory dance inside. I would stand up and sing beside my Dad as loud as I could.

Music for me was always a way to let my emotions out. There are songs to this day that still invoke the memories of what it meant to me years ago. Hold on by Wilson Philips takes me back to my freshman trip. To be with you by Mr. Big takes me to a dance after a wrestling match one cold, winter Friday night. And we can’t forget Friends by Michael W. Smith. Oh, so so many tears were shed at church camp while singing that song around the fire. Funny, years later (we won’t discuss just how many years it’s been, please.and.thank.you) I still get teary when I hear that song come on.

I am so super thankful for music and all the memories it has given me over the years and the way it has left mile markers along my journey.