Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

Reignite Intimacy | Intimacy After Unfaithfulness

The silent burden you’re carrying seems too heavy to lift some days.  The hurt, the extreme hurt, seems to reach directly down to your bones.  The knife stabbing pains of a broken heart.  There are days where the pain literally takes away your ability to breathe.

Things that once looked so familiar to you now look like things you don’t even recognize.  The coffee pot he made coffee in each morning while he was lying to you.  The couch you snuggled on while watching TV while he was lying to you.  The stairs you both walked up to your bedroom while he was lying to you.  The socks he put on each morning while he was lying to you.  Literally every single item in your house is filled with lies.  And as you glance around each day, that is what you see.

Some might tell you to take comfort in knowing you aren’t suffering alone, that there are so many other women across the world walking this same path.  You find no comfort in that.  None.  Truth is the valley you are walking through is dark, cold, lonely and so very scary.  Along the path is hurt, anger and bitterness.

Let me speak directly to your heart sweet girl.  God wants to hold your broken heart in His hands.  That is the only way.  Listen to my words and let me say it again…that is the ONLY way.  He can heal your broken heart and He will heal it.  But first, you must give Him all the pieces.  The challenge is first finding all of the pieces.  Like shards of broken glass, the pieces weave themselves so very deep into our hearts.  And Satan is right there, breaking the pieces smaller and hiding them better.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds
Psalm 147:3

The pain touches a deep, vulnerable place often known only to God.  When hurting is the only thing you can feel, it is such a lonely place to be.  So many times when we are going through pain, we are told to get over it, move on and let it go.  They don’t understand how slow this hurt heals.  The world offers so many ways to numb the pain, but they are only temporary fixes.  Please oh please don’t fall for that trap.  If we turn to them, then we aren’t allowing God to heal our hurt.  Allowing Him to search and heal our hearts is the only true way to have them healed.  Only He knows the deepness and complexity of our pain.

Psalm 56:8 says You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  Our tears are not in vain.  God knows each of His children intimately, and every tear we shed has meaning to Him.  He remembers our sorrow.  And in the end, He will share His joy with us.  Revelation 21:4 says He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.  Sweet girl, find comfort in that.  Not only does He know your sorrow, but He will wipe every tear from our eyes.  Don’t suffer through your grief alone.  Don’t be unwilling to be vulnerable with God.  Give Him your heart, hand it over to Him to search and find all those little pieces of hurt and allow His hands to heal it as only He can.

Search me O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way
Psalm 139:23-24

In Scripture, unfaithfulness is the only “acceptable” reason for dissolving a marriage.  But I want to tell you today that even this betrayal, the ultimate betrayal, doesn’t have to result in divorce.

When it feels like all hope is lost, hand that relationship over to God.  It’s so easy to make rash decisions while our heart is broken.  Many days, divorce sounds like the best and sometimes easiest option.  Hand it over to Him, pray about it and search out biblical council.  Cling to God like never before and allow Him to carry you through it.

God has a beautiful reconciliation full of grace planned for you.  Often times the relationship, once it has endured the storm, will come out of it stronger and new.  Through all the conversations, all the deepness, you now know each other differently.  This is the blessing of true healing from the hands of God.  At times, taking it day by day seems like such a big task.  Just take it minute by minute, and allow His grace to carry you through each one.

This reconciliation needs to be two-sided.  If the unfaithfulness is still continuing or if they aren’t repentful, I would highly encourage you to seek Biblical counsel.  Speak to your Pastor or an elder in your church that you trust.  Spend time in prayer asking God to direct your decision.

If you’ve experienced betrayal in your marriage, you may have a few reservations about bringing sex back into the relationship.  I think that is understandable and a normal fear.

How do you even begin to entertain the thought of sexual intimacy with him when he’s been unfaithful?  How do you move on?  How do you move back into the intimacy that was unfairly taken from you?

Forgiveness

The hurt just seems too big to ever get past.  The pressure to forgive quickly is strong in this high-speed world we live in.

Forgiveness isn’t a feeling—it’s a choice we make.  Depending on the size of the break in trust, forgiveness may be a process and can’t be rushed.  If you’ve accepted God’s forgiveness, you have the power to forgive your spouse.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, without judgment.  Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself to forgive quickly.  Emotion is a teacher, allow yourself room to feel and learn from those feelings.  Forgiveness accesses the spiritual part of a person, allowing you to regain a sense of personal meaning.  This is a great time to nurture your relationship with God.

Rebuild Trust

You have to rebuild trust before you can bring sexual intimacy back into the relationship.  This trust will take time, the same as forgiveness does.  Forgiveness opens our heart to be able to plant seeds of trust again.

But remember: There must be more than apologies.  To earn your trust, your spouse needs to make some real changes.  Your spouse should recognize it was his sin that caused you to not trust him.  His goal should be to restore trust by removing doubts.  Maybe they need to join a support group, talk to a mentor, remove the password from his phone or be open and willing to prove his whereabouts as a form of accountability.

Prayer

Being intimate after infidelity is definitely something you have to pray about.  It’s something you need to submit to the Lord.  He will let you know when it is time, and He will help you follow through when you decide you’re ready to give yourself to your husband sexually again.  It’s not something you should rush into but it may happen quicker than you realize.  You may feel you need the assurance that your husband still wants you.  Or you may feel if he still wants you, then he needs to respect your timing of being intimate again.

Intentional Love Making

Be prepared the first time you’re intimate for raw emotions to make their way to the surface.  Heartache and pure love all together, pouring from your shattered heart.  Beforehand, ask your spouse to be patient, tender and understanding.

You may be craving that reassurance that they are still sexually attracted to you.  You may be feeling inadequate and unwanted, and need to know that they choose you over their infidelity. Bringing love-making back into your marriage can help with the healing process and allow you to focus on forgiveness instead of your own rejection.

There is no intimacy without an open heart.  When it is open, it has the capacity to generate love, warmth, affection and last but certainly not least…intimacy!

I know even reading this post made your heart ache and the tears flow.  I wish so very much I could reach through this screen and give you a big hug and just cry with you.  One day the hurt will be a little less, I promise.  And that will feel like the first “good day” you’ve ever had.  And each week, there will be more glimpses of sunshine.  Eventually your good days will run together, and smiles and laughter will abound.  One day, you will look back on this horrible time and be thankful for it.  Thankful for the love that grows deeper with each passing day, tested by fire and found strong enough to stand again.  Trust me, you will get there if you allow God to heal your heart and your marriage.  He brings beauty from the ashes.

You will move on past this.  You will hold your head high, knowing the storm may have knocked you down but it didn’t win.

Join me back here next Friday as we continue our series.  Next week we’ll talk about what men really want!

God’s Word In My Mouth | Book Review

Today I have a real treat for you, a book review and guest post all in one post!  Pelumi contacted me and was interested in being a guest on the blog for my reignite intimacy series (her post will be coming in a few weeks) and also asked me to review her children’s book.  You know I can’t turn down a good book, so we are collaborating today for this post.


God’s Word In My Mouth
Scriptual Confessions For 50 Different Situations
by Oluwapelumi Boluwaji

About the book:

There’s always a word in the bible for any situation. God’s word in my mouth is a book for toddlers and preschoolers, containing different scriptural confessions and Bible w verses for different situations that a child can go through.

This book will help you to teach your child, from a young age, how to confess God’s word in any situation that they find themselves. It will help your child to learn to declare God’s word always, rather than the situation, because God’s word is the truth.

I’m always so, so excited to read new books.  While I was teaching Sunday School class the little ones would get so excited when I would pull a new book out of my bag!  And I’m certain they would have loved this book!

Each page gives a situation the child may find themselves in such as when I’m on my way to school or when I don’t feel happy.  The bottom of the page gives a child friendly description of what that verse means.  It is a great way to have children relate to verses and explain it to them in a way they would understand.

The illustrations are beautiful as well.  Very eye catching, colorful and relatable to kids.  Children will love looking at the pictures and pointing out something new in each one.

This book is definitely one I would recommend.  It would be a great asset in teaching little ones to lean on the Lord in every situation!  And would be a fabulous addition to any classroom.

The Importance of Children’s Devotions

When we hear the word devotion, the first thing that comes to mind is a time, whether in the day or in the night, that the family sets aside to read the word of God and pray. As much as this is true, it is also very important to note that devotion transcends a particular time and space. Devotion is a lifestyle. Devotion basically means dedication or commitment.  Children devotion, therefore, is about teaching your children to be dedicated and committed to the Lord, by everything that you do.

It’s important to note that children have to be taught. The same way that our children are taught to read and write, potty trained and taught to do house chores, they also have to be taught to be devoted to God. They have to be taught in the things of the Lord.  It does not just happen by chance.  If they are not taught to be devoted and committed to the Lord, they will be taught something else, somewhere else. As a parent therefore, it’s important that you take the teaching and training of your children, in the way of the Lord, to be of utmost importance. This responsibility is not for the local church, it’s a parental responsibility. What the church does is to reinforce what is being taught at home. Their is nothing as sweet as having one’s children know the Lord. Our children are our first disciples, automatic disciples, and they need to be taught by us.

 Some important things to note

  1. Be intentional

And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6: 6-9 NKJV

This scripture emphasizes the intentionality of teaching your children about God. It says to talk of the scriptures when you sit, when you walk and when you lie down. This means every single moment, you should be talking about God’s word. You have got to be intentional.  Have a plan, in line with what God has told you about your children, and in line with your family mission and vision. Curriculum is not just for school education. Have a curriculum for your children’s spiritual training. Have a routine. Have a set time, both formal and informal.

  1. Take heed to yourself

Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and your grandchildren, especially  concerning  the day you stood before the Lord your God in Horeb, when the Lord said to me, ‘Gather the people to Me, and I will let them hear My words, that they may learn to fear Me all the days they live on the earth, and that they may teach their children.’ Deuteronomy 4: 9-10 NKJV

Notice that in this scripture, before teaching your children about your dealings with God, the first is to take heed to yourself and to diligently keep yourself.

Teaching your kids in the instruction of the Lord and unto godliness is not something mechanical. It starts from your own lifestyle. If you are not devoted and committed to the Lord, there’s no way you can teach another person to be so. That’s why, you cannot joke with your own relationship with God. If you don’t have a relationship with God and you want to teach your kids to do so, it can’t work. You cannot take your children to where you have not been. When you tell them, don’t say this, are you saying it yourself? When you tell them, don’t do this, are you doing it yourself? Our devotion to the Lord is a lifestyle and it can be perceived by our children. If you want your kids to prioritize God’s word, then you also need to prioritize God’s word too. It will be seen by them and evident to them.

  1. It’s not too early to start

As soon as a child is born, he starts learning. That’s the time to start training and teaching. It’s never too early. Every seed of God’s word deposited in their heart yields massive fruits. Don’t wait till that child is two, don’t even wait till the child is one. Start from day one. Start now. Lessons are already being learnt and mindsets are already being formed. A toddler can understand God’s word.

Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings, He has ordained praise. That’s how God ordained it.

God has put in every man a quest for Him. He has set eternity in the heart of man. That quest was there, the moment your child was born. You need to start to provide the answers by showing the direction to God right from the beginning. Even when he cannot read, he can hear. Something is getting deposited in her heart, I tell you.

What are the things to teach your children

It’s important to teach your children God’s instructions. The Lord’s instruction are found in his word. No one can have a relationship with God outside His word. God’s word is our life as believers. Secrets to success is found in the word. Help your kids to understand and to know God’s word. Teach them about the person of God, teach them about the fruits of the spirit, promises of God, God’s salvation plan for man, purpose, gifts of the spirit, the power of God, our realities in Christ. There’s a lot to teach and train our children when it comes to having a  relationship with God. However, there’s need to partner with the Spirit of God as to what to teach a child at each season of his or her life. This partnership with the Holy ghost is very important as He knows the purpose of each child and what they need to be taught in line with that purpose.  For instance, the way you will raise a minstrel will be different from the way you will raise a pastor.

In conclusion,

And did not God make [you and your wife] one [flesh]? Did not One make you and preserve your spirit alive? And why [did God make you two] one? Because He sought a godly offspring [from your union]. Therefore take heed to yourselves, and let no one deal treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth.

Malachi 2:15 AMP

The whole essence of oneness in marriage is so that we might raise godly offsprings. You see how passionate the Lord is about having godly offsprings from the unity of husband and wife? That should be our passion as well. Parenting is partnership with the Lord to raise godly offsprings. He cannot do this on earth by himself, and so he instituted marriage so that the husband and wife can be one and can help in raising godly offsprings, that will establish His kingdom on the earth. Not raising godly offsprings is not doing the will of the Father. It’s very Paramount in the heart of God. It has to be taken personal, and because it’s a partnership with God, know for sure that Grace is available.

My name is Oluwapelumi. I am married to a sweet husband called Seyi and we are blessed with two children (3 years and 18 months). I am very passionate about children spiritual growth and I am always looking for or creating resources and activities that will help me instill Christ in my home and in the hearts of my kids and other kids. l also have a mentoring ministry for teenage girls and young ladies and a blog, where I write for them. Along side this, I have another blog, aimed at helping wives and moms to be a blessing to their husbands and children respectively. My hobbies are writing, reading, thinking, playing, dancing and lots more. I enjoy loving Christ, helping my husband and taking care of my daughter and son.

One of the things I do is to create resources for children spiritual growth and devotion to God.

I have some free resources for children on my blog here. I also have a free book here, on teaching your daughter (and son) about their realities in Christ.

I have a book of scriptural confessions for kids that you can check out and pay for here if you are interested. I also have  two  amazing resources on my Etsy shop here.

Reignite Intimacy | Make Your Marriage Sizzle

Let’s be real for a minute, sometimes it feels like sex is just too complicated.  You’re sleep deprived, the bills seem never-ending, the house needs cleaned, dishes need done and add in the everyday stress…all libido-suppressing.  It just seems easier to leave sex for another day.

Today I want to encourage you not to give up and not to let go of pursuing sex and intimacy in your marriage.  Embracing and enjoying your sexuality will seem challenging at times, even overwhelming, but we need to be purposeful about cultivating intimacy and passion in our marriage.  It takes time, energy and effort, but if you are intentional about it, your marriage will benefit and grow.

How can you keep intimacy alive?  You have to desire it.  You have to want it.  You have to be deliberate about it.  You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goal.  You have to engage your heart fully in the joyful pursuit.  Today I am sharing 16 ways to get started.

16 Ways To Make Your Marriage Sizzle

1.  Know your worth

We’re so busy feeling fat or saggy or inadequate that we can’t even imagine feeling sexual.  Study after study would show that the vast majority of husbands desire their wives – and they want wives who want to fully participate in sex and embrace it for the gift it is.  The hang up about body appearance is more about our own insecurities than it is about their expectations.  Nurturing sexual intimacy to its fullest in your marriage has so much to do with embracing the beauty and femininity of who you are.  And you are beautiful.  When he tells you he thinks you are beautiful and sexy, he really does mean it.  Believe him.  Accept the compliment and embrace it.  Embrace him and his love.

2.  Buy new undies

And for goodness sake, throw away those granny panties you’ve had since your last pregnancy.  Look for some Victoria’s Secret or Aerie coupons and go do some shopping.  You can normally find some pretty good sales, like 7 pair for $25.  Listen ladies, that’s a small price to pay for how good you’ll feel.  You’ll be surprised at how sexy you feel just knowing you have them on.  Maybe even shock your hubby and buy a thong or a cheeky cut.  Once the kids are in bed, walk past him in just a t-shirt and those new panties and he might fall off his chair.

3.  Pursue your spouse

Pursuit, to most men, means feeling desired (ladies, read that as “sex”) and affirmed through respect, honor and appreciation.  Most women, on the other hand, are more likely to want to be pursued through time, attention and tenderheartedness (guys, read that as “romance”).

Write him love notes and tuck them in his lunchbox.  Send him a racy text (I highly suggest knowing the location of his phone before this one. Remember…on smart phones, said text will pop up on the screen.)  Tell him how much you appreciate him.  Buy the stinkin’ lingerie that he likes on you, even if you feel it’s a waste of money.  Kiss him and hold his hand, even if you’re in a horribly long checkout line at Wal-Mart.  Read Song of Solomon out loud together each night before bed.  Pursue that man’s heart daily.

4.  Kiss

Kiss and kiss a lot.  Make out in the kitchen while cooking dinner.  Kiss in the living room while watching TV.  It’s good for your kids to see you give your spouse love.  That they can see we are still pursuing our spouses heart.  The byproduct is that our children can watch their parents dating.  When children see their parents giving each other time, affection, and respect it is a reassurance of our love and makes them feel secure.

5.  Have fun

When was the last time you did something with the purposeful intention of just having fun together?  One of my favorite things my husband and I have in common is a love for laughter.  Actually, his ability to make me laugh was one of the reasons I fell head over heals for him.  Plan a spontaneous adventure and surprise your spouse with it.   This could be a night away (minus kids) or even a little mini-date.  See a funny movie together, or take in a comedy show.  Let your hair down and get silly: have a pillow fight or a tickle war.  Although I’d highly suggest knowing how they react to tickling.  Getting kicked in the face might put a damper on your night.

6.  Sex is about you too girl

The world loves to lie to us.  One of those lies is that sex is something we do for our husband.  That way of thinking limits true intimacy in your marriage and creates resentment.  Remember, God gave us the ability to have an orgasm as well.  Take the time to identify things that make you feel sexy and begin pursuing those things (like buying sexy undies).  Begin thinking about, talking about, and doing things in bed that feel good to you.  Initiate sex once in a while and be an active participant in your own sex life.

7.  Focus on the positive

Remember the reasons you fell in love with your spouse?  It’s super easy to focus on what annoys us about our spouse, but that is definitely a passion killer.  Passion can’t co-exist with negativity.  So, develop a habit of being grateful and appreciative.  Guard your heart against taking the good parts of your marriage for granted.  Say thank you.  Plain and simple.  Thank them for big and little things.  Thank them for doing dishes, laundry or fixing your car.  I even thank my husband for just loving me (because I am fully aware there are days that can’t be easy).  Take some time to sit down together and make a list of the top five body parts you love (and think are super hot) about your spouse. Guys, your wife is likely in a body-image battle, even if you think she shouldn’t be.  This will mean the absolute world to her.

8.  Say I love you

Say if often.  Say it every chance you get.  Before you leave in the morning, at the end of a phone call, in a text during the work day, before bed or across the room.  Don’t ever let them wonder how you feel.

9.  Quickies can be your friend

Don’t be a high maintenance lover that needs a long list of “things” before sex can happen.  Give the kids ice cream for dinner, turn on some Spongebob…and lock your bedroom door.  The house won’t burn down and ice cream won’t kill them.  Grab the moments you can.  It will make the rest of the day just a little bit better.

10.  Get creative

Don’t become a predictable lover.  God has given us such freedom in this arena.  Consider having an open discussion with your spouse on what you feel is okay and what your boundaries are.  Just follow some general rules…it’s just the two of you, you allow mutual respect and agreement to guide your choices, it causes no pain physically, emotionally, or spiritually and you keep the focus on your relationship.

Sometimes, people shy away from certain sexual acts because they call them “dirty” or “kinky” or “weird”.  The truth is, if you and your spouse agree to try something (even if it’s weird) and you enjoy it, it is certainly okay for you to try during sex as long as it follows the basic guidelines.  So by all means, experiment and add some variety to your sex life!

11.  Touch is powerful

Every night when my husband and I go to bed, we touch somehow.  It may be me laying in his arms or me snuggling up against his back.  Sometimes we even hold hands while we sleep.  Moving across the bed to touch him will show your husband that you desire and love him and find comfort in his touch.

12.  It takes time for women

Men can become aroused in 2 to 3 minutes (and sometimes 30 seconds)—but women take 10 times as long.  Women take 20 to 30 minutes to become as aroused as men.  So women, it helps to start thinking about your later randevu earlier in the day.  Do a little planning, send a sexy text and get creative.

13.  72 hours

Did you know that men are actually created to need a sexual release about every three days?  I never knew that either until a few years ago.  Cindy Dagnan writes, “Sex is as necessary as breathing for most men… because of the periodic buildup of seminal fluid, they actually need it.”  For most men, this buildup takes only about seventy-two hours.  We need to be intentional on how we love on our husbands.

14.  Oral sex

Two words I never thought I’d say on this blog.  Just typing that made me sweat.  Y’all, my Mama reads my blog!

Christians will never fully agree on this topic and whether it’s permissible in marriage.  No clearly spelled out command exists in the Bible regarding oral sex, which means we are left to our own prayerful interpretation.  If we feel it is okay for a husband to kiss his wife’s neck, hand, naval or her forehead then how can we rationalize that her entire body is not permissible ground.  The same goes with a wife kissing her husband’s body.  So, yes, I do believe oral sex is permissible within marriage.  Song of Solomon 2:3 says Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.  In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.  

15.  Plan sex

We live busy lives with full schedules.  Some days everyone is running in different directions.  It’s easy for sex to become an afterthought.  As weird as it sounds, putting sex on your calendar works.  We need to intentionally plan for what is important to us.  There isn’t any wrong schedule…1, 2 or 3 times a week.  With some spontaneous times sprinkled in if the opportunity arises.

16.  Pray Together

I have to admit, when we bow our heads to pray Sunday mornings, I can’t wait to slip my hand into my husbands.  There is just something so amazingly intimate about praying together!  I totally understand that not everyone is comfortable praying out loud {read this as ME} but it’s so worth it.  Just gather up the courage and pray with your man!

Come back next week for another post in our series.  Next week we’ll be discussing intimacy after unfaithfulness.