Forever Beloved

Our marriage was dying.

It was like a slow, silent kind of death.  One we were both uncomfortably aware of but unwilling to speak about.

Hopelessness consumed our days.  We wore hurt and brokenness daily like winter jackets.

Our marriage seemed comprised of arguments, an unwillingness to understand or listen to each other and selfish hearts.

We were living in the same house and unsure of what the future looked like.

On a warm summer day the silence was broken and we found ourselves at a crossroads between divorce and reconciliation.

We spent days in silence that seemed so loud.  We spent days being swallowed up by anger.  We spent days having tear soaked faces.  We spent days having hopelessness walk beside us.

But, then GOD.

There was a night when I was at my breaking point.  In a panic I grabbed my keys, got in my car and started driving with no destination in mind.  I ended up on a hill in the middle of the woods.  It was a clear, warm summer night.  The sky was covered with stars and I could see for miles around.  I listened to hymns and sang along.  With a tear-soaked face I talked to God for hours on end.  In the moment I was seeking Him and God was seeking my heart.  When I left the hill that night I had something new, hope!

I could feel excitement stirring in my heart as I drove off that hill.  I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my husband what the conversation between God and I held.

In that moment we were catapulted into trusting Him more than we ever had to in the past.

We prayerfully handed our marriage to God, knowing we couldn’t revive it ourselves.  We trusted the God of Restoration to work miracles and bring our dead marriage back to life.

And with that, God breathed new life into our dying marriage.

We stepped boldly into reconciliation.  He showed us both forgiveness in a way we had never known and restored our marriage, making it better than it ever had been in the past.  Our marriage was now filled with compromise, hope, selflessness and love.

We quickly realized that prayer is a necessary piece of restoration.  We needed to seek the Lord’s wisdom daily and continually invite Him in.

Against all odds, against all friendly advice, against the worlds opinion we continually stood for our marriage.

Sixteen years later, our marriage is strong and solid, securely set now on a firm foundation. Perfect?  No, is any marriage truly perfect?  Better than my twenty-year-old, naive self dreamed? Without a doubt!

I want to speak to those of you who find yourselves where we were, in the midst of a dying marriage.  Your heart dreams of the day your marriage can be restored.  A time when the days aren’t so long and the nights aren’t as lonely.  Sweet friend, I was you not so long ago.

The first bit of advice I would give you is to make your stance on your marriage known.  Make it loudly known and do not budge on your decision.  Well-meaning people may try to sway your decision.  Kindly, lovingly but firmly let them know you are standing for your marriage, period.

Next, this isn’t a quick process.  There is no quick fix. It’s a long process with a series of steps.  It’s a marathon girl, but hang in there, even marathons have a finish line!  Surround yourself with godly, encouraging people who will cheer your marriage on from the sidelines.

Also know you aren’t alone.  When we were in the midst of our struggles, I liked to imagine God was sitting right beside me.  I’d have conversations with Him like we were friends chatting over coffee.  God can see into the deepest depths of your heart.  He knows exactly what it will take to restore hope into your heart, into your life and into your marriage.  He meets us where we are and loves us just as we are, sinners.  He showers us with his amazing grace.  We have a God who knows how we feel, and really cares.  He knows our doubts and hopelessness.  He can help when we’re willing to bring those things to him.  God walks with us during our hopeless times and never leaves us.

Lastly, make the choice to invite God in your marriage.  Romans 8:28 says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Our marriages aren’t exempt from this.  When we are in the middle of a trial in marriage, it’s hard to see how God could ever use it for good.  But He has promised to use them for good, and He is faithful to keep His word.  Invite God into your marriage and allow Him to heal the hopeless and the hardness.  He will bring beauty from the ashes.

Sometimes we sit and reminisce about those gut-wrenching hard times.  We talk about how we couldn’t have made it without God.  And we talk about where we are now.

There is something so precious about struggling together and coming out on the other side hand-in-hand.

I have been married to my sweet man for 24 years.  I have been married to him for more than half my life.  And I will admit, I’m still trying to figure out how men receive respect as love.  Sometimes I get it completely wrong.  And occasionally I feel like they should receive food as love.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that I can cook for him all the live long day but if I am not respecting him then in his eyes I’m not loving him.

As wives, we have incredible power in the lives of our husbands.  We have the power to build them up, or tear them down.

As wives, we love to feel loved and be romanced.  But for our husbands, they love to feel respected and to know we believe in them.  And I can assure you that feeling doesn’t come from a loaf of hot, homemade bread and potato soup.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

Our men need to know that they are enough just as they are, and they are exactly what we desire.

Each time you give your husband a loving word of praise, you are valuing him.  He will feel treasured, adored, loved and he will thrive.  But something even more amazing happens – when you verbally appreciate your spouse with sincerity, his value goes up in your eyes, too.  You see him the way you are describing him and he becomes more and more valuable to you.  It is a win-win situation.  With more words of affirmation, love grows.  And when you speak of your love for one another, it increases your intimacy.  Um, hello smokin’ hot marriage!  When his woman is behind him, he will be able to take on the world.   Side-note:  I would bet when you shower him with praise, affirmation and kind words…you’ll get the same in return!

Actions speak louder than words, we all know that.  I know my actions speak love to him.  Whether it’s me spending hours in the kitchen cooking his favorite meal, jumping in and helping him with a job or being interested in something he is passionate about.  But it’s also vitally important to also speak it.

And ladies, I encourage you to praise him in front of your kids.  First of all, remember your kids are learning what marriage looks like by watching you.  They sure do need to see that their Mama appreciates and respects their Dad.  It means backing him up when he’s made a decision (even if you don’t agree), it means not making a decision without talking to him first and it means speaking good about him even when he isn’t around.  We need to teach our littles to appreciate how hard their Dads work to support and lead our households!

In Ephesians 5:33 we are told Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  I’ve read this verse over and over again.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it.  God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband.  Period.  (Unless there is a Biblically moral issue at stake in which God’s authority will supersede our husbands).

Just a little side-note, it takes thirteen compliments to replace one negative comment.  Keep that tucked in the back of your mind when you’re hoppin’ mad at him and thinking of saying something rude or tearing him down.

Let’s help him take on the world today girls.  Here are some words of encouragement you can speak into your marriage and your mans heart today.

• Thank you for loving me.
• I am so glad to have you as my husband.
• I love that look you give me.
• I trust you.
• I am such a different woman because of you.
• Is there anything I can help you with?
• Thank you for being such a great husband.
• What is your opinion on this?
• Thank you for always being honest.
• You’re my favorite.
• Thank you for being faithful.
• I’m sorry, will you forgive me?
• I love holding your hand while we pray.
• Thank you for leading our home so well.
• You’re so cute/hot/sexy.
• I’m glad you’re my best friend.
• Hey, the kids are in bed early.
• I trust your judgement.
• You are such a great Dad.
• Those jeans and boots are so sexy on you.
• Thank you for trusting me.
• You can do anything you set your mind to.
• I’m so excited to do life alongside you.
• Thank you for working so hard for our family.
• Last night was amazing.
• You give the best hugs.
• I love how safe I feel with you.
• I’m so glad you’re my man.
• I am so incredibly proud of you.
• Thank you for helping me today, I couldn’t have done it without you.
• I absolutely adore your heart.
• I love spending time with you.
• Thank you so much for doing that for me.
• God knew my heart needed you.
• I can’t stop thinking about you today.
• You are so brave and strong.
• I appreciate you being so patient with me, I know it’s not easy.
• I have loved watching you grow in your walk with God.
• Your eyes are so sexy.
• Is there anything special you’d like me to cook for you?
• Thank you for making me feel beautiful.
• How about a kiss?
• Thank you for always supporting my dreams.
• In your arms is my favorite place to be.
• I know that was hard for you, you did it so well!
• Say please and thank you to him.
• You have such great integrity.
• I am more in love with you than ever.
• I love holding your hand.
• Our kids are sure blessed to have you as their Dad.
• I appreciate you putting our family first.
• I can’t wait to see you after work, I’ve missed you.
• You still take my breath away.
• You are exactly what I asked God for.
• I love you so much.