Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

The Good Years of Marriage

So often we sit together just enjoying the stillness.  We refer to the place we’re in now as the good years.  The good years where peace lives daily.  It wasn’t always this way in our marriage.  We’ve come full circle, and the journey would not be complete without each part.

I remember that first time I saw him at a mutual friends house.  His t-shirt and bright eyes, the way he made me laugh with ease, his confidence, it sucked me in.  My attraction to this “bad boy” shocked me, this dark mysterious guy who ignored the world and rocked multiple tattoos.  I thought to myself that it would be hilarious if I were so immediately attracted to him because he was supposed to be my husband.  Actually, that was my second thought.  My first thought was that my Mama would never approve of this tattooed wild boy.

Three months later we were married, with vows breathed in the little country church I was born into.

The first year was everything I imagined it could be, but then as life took some tough shots at us, we quickly found out we weren’t equipped to withstand the storm.

The next several years were rough at best. I don’t even remember what caused all the arguments, but I remember the anger — my anger, his anger, bucket loads of tears, slammed doors, sleepless nights, souls aching and distance.

Our marriage was dying.

It was like a slow, silent kind of death.  One we were both uncomfortably aware of but unwilling to speak about.

Hopelessness consumed our days.  We wore hurt and brokenness daily like winter jackets.

Our marriage seemed comprised of arguments, an unwillingness to understand each other and selfish hearts.

We were living in the same house and unsure of what the future looked like.

On a warm summer day the silence was broken and we found ourselves at a crossroads between divorce and reconciliation.

We spent days being swallowed up by anger.  We spent days having tear soaked faces.  We spent days having hopelessness walk beside us.

But then GOD.

There was a night when I was at my breaking point.  I got in my car and started driving.  I ended up on a hill in the middle of the woods.  The sky was covered with stars and I could see for miles around.  I listened to hymns, sang along, cried my eyes out and talked to God for hours on end.  When I left the hill that night I had something new, HOPE!

I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my husband what the conversation between God and I held.

In that moment we were catapulted into trusting Him more than we ever had to in the past.

We handed our marriage to God, knowing we couldn’t revive it ourselves.  And with that, God breathed new life into our dying marriage.  He showed us both forgiveness in a way we had never known and restored our marriage, making it better than it ever had been in the past.

The new marriage we had was amazing.  It was filled with compromise, hope, selflessness and love.

Fifteen years later, our marriage is strong and solid, securely set now on a firm foundation. Perfect? No, is any marriage truly perfect?  Better than my twenty-year-old, naive self dreamed? Without a doubt!

Sometimes we sit and reminisce about the in-between years.  We talk about those gut-wrenching hard times.  We talk about how we couldn’t have made it without God.  And we talk about where we are now.  There is something so precious about struggling together and coming out on the other side hand-in-hand.

I want you to know God can see into the deepest depths of your heart.  He knows exactly what it will take to restore hope into your heart, into your life and into your marriage.  He meets us where we are and loves us just as we are, sinners.  He showers us with his amazing grace.  We have a God who knows how we feel, and really cares.  He knows our doubts and hopelessness.  He can help when we’re willing to bring those things to him.  God walks with us during our hopeless times and never leaves us.

Romans 8:28 says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Our marriages aren’t exempt from this.  When we are in the middle of a trial in marriage, it’s hard to see how God could ever use it for good.  But He has promised to use them for good, and He is faithful to keep His word.  Give your marriage over to God and allow Him to heal the hopeless and the hardness.  He will bring beauty from the ashes.

Celebrating Your Mess

She told me her heart aches for me, like deep down inside of her, where the winds howl and moan.

It makes me take a step back and catch my breath.

Though I have admittingly been through trials, oddly enough to me, the one trudging through the valleys, they had never hit me as gut-wrenchingly hard as her words just had.

And I tell her that there are always hard things howling through the rhythms of life.  Hard things that build the framework for our prayers.

This messy life, the one I daily live and only partly share, is undoubtedly hard.

For someone looking in through the windows of our house, the hard would create a deep heart ache.

It’s been physically, emotionally and mentally difficult.  I’ve lost friendships.  I’ve lost my job.  It has changed my appearance and it has changed who I am as a person.  It has changed my marriage.  It has caused my children to have to really think hard to remember what life was like before Mama was sick and they’ve had to grow up faster than they should.

But for me, looking out through these windows into a world with much deeper hurt and pain than I experience, my mess feels like an enormous blessing.

If I spent my days focusing on the hard and the messy, as easy as that would be, what would I gain?  It would suck every ounce of joy from my being, replace it with despair.  It would settle me into a place where the howling, moaning winds would toss me around like a rag doll.  The numbered list of blessings would turn into an enormous list of every hardship I’ve ever faced.

The only way out was to look up.  I knew I had to.  I needed to see something beyond what my eyes told me.  So I look for Jesus, often.

I have found so much joy in celebrating my mess, there isn’t anything I would change.

I choose to celebrate my mess.  And celebrate the extravagant grace of Christ.  I keep my eyes on Jesus and His perfect sacrifice – because my life is a far cry from perfect.

In the darkest places, I found Him there with me.  Speaking to my heart.  Speaking life into the hurt places.  I’ve learned what it’s like to seek joy and find it.  I’ve learned that even in the hard times, He gives us enormous blessings.  I’ve learned joy doesn’t come and go with our circumstances.  But joy can be experienced despite our circumstances.  Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, second only to love, it flows from God, not circumstances.  We have a fundamental need for joy in our lives.  Life without joy is overwhelming, depressing and just plain sad.

The tired Mamas, the hurt wife, the discouraged Pastor, the heartbroken friend, the ashamed sinners, the chronically sick and so many more – we are the ones who get to celebrate the grace of a sovereign Redeemer!

Christ invites us to celebrate not because we’ve got it all together, Lord knows I’m a hot mess most days,but because He’s finished it all at the Cross!  Celebrating our mess doesn’t mean we’ve gotten it all right, but we’ve received His Grace.

God often uses the hard to refine us.  To transform us into the person we were created to be in the first place.  More like Him.

And with that we can dance in the wild rain of grace!

 

 

Putting Your Spouse First

Does your spouse come first, or do your kids take the number one spot?

This is a hard topic for many, and the opinions on it are usually varied and loud.  And while I understand parenting is such a blessing from God, and raising those babies is so important, we can’t allow mothering to take precedence over our marriage.

Is being a Mama important?  Well, absolutely!  Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man.  I’ve witnessed marriages fail because the kids were made top priority.  The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like virtual strangers because they didn’t nourish their marriage.  They no longer have a united mission.  The focus of their energy has disappeared.

The best way that you can love your kids is to love your husband

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Charlie Bloom and his wife Linda are licensed marriage and family therapists who have been married since the 1970s,  as well as parents and authors of 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last.  They had this to say about the conversation:

It’s gotten to the point now where parents are judged and ostracized if they don’t accommodate and even anticipate and provide for kids’ needs over the needs of their relationships.

Recent research has shown that when the family unit falls apart, so do the kids.  What kids want, more than anything, is to feel that their home is stable and secure. They need to know their parents not only love them, but they love each other. When children see their parents giving each other time, affection, love and respect it is a reassurance of our love and makes them feel secure. To put your marriage on hold for 18 years, or even one year, while you raise children is not only detrimental to your marriage, but it is also devastating to your children.

Children can see their parents taking care of themselves so that frees them up to enjoy being a child.  They don’t have to worry about Mommy and Daddy because they take care of each other.  Seeing parents happy together breeds emotionally healthy children.  If you want to be the best parents you can be, work to become the best couple you can be.

Now I’m not saying there aren’t times when your children should come first. Diaper changes, meals and injuries all need fairly immediate attention.  I’m certainly not suggesting you walk away from a bleeding child to go have coffee with your spouse and chat about their day. And I’m sure not suggesting that you ignore your children except for emergencies.  As I said earlier, pour your heart into those babies. But, it needs to be clear that your primary relationship (after God) is with your spouse.

Our love for our kids is so primal and so different, it’s easy to push our husbands out of the way and build our lives around our kids.

Please don’t do that. Your kids don’t need you to be with them every single night. They would benefit from you taking a break and going on a date with your spouse. I love going on dates with my husband, whether they are little mini-dates we catch here and there or a full day together. I love that feeling of just reconnecting with him and being able to give him my full attention without interruption. I think it’s so important to take time out of our busy lives to solely focus on each other. It keeps our marriage alive.  It’s so important to stay connected!  I always found after reconnecting with my husband, it rejuvenated me as a Mama.  I felt more prepared to take on those hard days.  Eventually those babies are going to grow up and leave your house.  You don’t want to be two strangers just coexisting as roommates when that happens.

When you got married, you vowed to love and cherish each other.  Until the day you die.  Not until you have babies.  If you really want to care for your children in the best possible way, do it by making your marriage solid.  That means following through with what you promised on your wedding day.  Building a relationship that causes you to grow together instead of growing apart.

After all, the Bible says that the husband and wife are one flesh, not the kids and their Mama. They may come from us, but we are united with our husband, not our kids.

One thing to keep in mind is relationships always drift apart, they never drift together.  If you fail to put effort into your marriage, it will drift.  Faster than any other kind.

How can you make this a reality?  How can you even know where to begin?

Make Time

One of the biggest ways to strengthen your marriage is to make sure you spend enough time together.  I know you are already forming a list of excuses of how you don’t have enough hours in the day as it is now.  But healthy marriages don’t find the time to be together, they make time to be together.  If you don’t spend the time with your spouse, you’ll fill the time with something less important.

Give the kids ice cream for dinner, turn on some Spongebob and lock your bedroom door.  While the kids are at a youth activity, plan a special mini-date.  Put them to bed a little early and snuggle on the couch with him.  Hire a babysitter, take them to Grandma’s for the night or if money is tight try finding another couple you can swap babysitting nights with.  Or even go away for a romantic weekend together.  Find ways to spend some one-on-one time with him.

Make A Plan

On Sunday, plan out your week.  Most kitchen calendars are full of the kids weekly schedules.  Take that calendar every week and add a block of time where you can spend one-on-one time with your spouse.

If you are taking your kids to one of their games, rather than using that as time to socialize use it as time to reconnect.  Sit by your spouse, hold hands and flirt.  You may be in a room full of people but you can still feel like the only two people there.

Years ago I read an article that said to make your bedroom your marriage sanctuary.  It really resonated with me.  I removed all pictures that weren’t of my husband and I.  And our bedroom officially became a “no kid” zone.  Our bedroom door is shut every night and everyone was instructed to knock before entering.  It became our oasis, our getaway.

It’s simple stuff if you think about it. Honestly it’s just about what your focus is. Life is ridiculously busy. Technology overwhelms us. When you throw in kids, pets, work, laundry, etc—you have to prioritize.  You cannot do it all as much as you try.  Declaring your spouse as your number one priority is the first step, from there it’s pretty simple.

Take Daily Marriage Time-Outs

Take a second during the day and send your spouse the message that they are on your mind.  Just like you would put a note in your kid’s lunch box, take a moment after lunch to send your spouse a text.  Look for opportunities to have a few moments together even in the midst of your busy day.  These little moments can be as simple as turning on music while you’re cooking dinner and having a little kitchen dance time.  Or having a long hug after dinner before you start the dishes.

You want your babies to grow up and marry someone that will make them number one.  Model that for them now.  What better place for children to learn about love than inside the walls of your home!  Give your marriage and your spouse as much attention as you give your children, it’s really that easy.  Not only so he knows but so he feels he’s your number one priority.