Forever Beloved

I am one of those Facebook posters that loudly proclaims my love for my husband. Even though it’s possibly obnoxious I just can’t help it, I love that sweet man and I want everyone to know it.

With those posts my husband and I have heard, time and time again, that we are other peoples “relationship goals”.  And while flattering, it has sparked many conversations between us on not only why but how we got to where we are…and how we could help others get there as well.  It’s not always been easy, I can tell you that for sure. But with Gods grace, and lots of patience on His end with this hard-headed girl, we’ve made it here.

Through those conversations we’ve made a list of things God has taught us throughout the ridiculously blessed, hard years we’ve been married. And y’all are in for a treat today, you get to hear from my boo thang too!

Keep God at the center of your marriage.  This is a lesson we learned the hard way. Marriage is difficult. Actually, difficult is an understatement.  Let’s be real here, there are going to be days you hope he chokes on his cereal.  The hardness of marriage is obvious when you see how many couples end in divorce. It’s two imperfect people living together, failing daily. The only way to make your marriage truly work is to center it on Christ. You have to rely on God for wisdom, power, love and strength for your marriage.  And forgiveness, for that one time you hoped he would choke.

Allow him to lead without stepping in the way.  This was a hard lesson for this stubborn, independent girl to learn.  Um, hello…I took the words honor and obey out of my marriage vows. I know, not my most shining moment.  I would tell him I wanted him to lead but then tell him he wasn’t doing it right.  Sure as the sun rises and sets, I’d step in and take over.  I wish I could say it was easy to stop, but I’m stubborn.  And it took lots (read this as an abnormal amount) of life lessons from God and probably the hardest heart work He’s ever done.

Never stop trying to improve your marriage.  We’ve been married for 23 gloriously hard years, and we are still looking for ways to improve.  Keep reading, keep learning, keep improving and don’t ever get comfortable and let your guard down.  If one thing doesn’t work, try something else.  The best advice I’ve heard is to run your marriage like a business.  Successful businesses are successful because of the amazing foundation they’re built on. I even think business meetings for your marriage are a great idea! I purchased The Marriage Journal written by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff, and I would highly recommend it as a tool for weekly meetings with your spouse! The journal has 6 questions that you will ask each other, and record your answers to, once a week. Each week also includes a devotional to help foster good conversation. There is a week long calendar page for you and your spouse to communicate about events, appointments, social gatherings, and big to-do’s in the upcoming week. You can purchase the journal HERE.

Don’t put your kids first.  Hear me out on this one. Don’t allow your mothering to take precedence over your marriage. Is being a Mama important? Well, absolutely! Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man. Oh how many marriages I’ve saw fail because the kids were made top priority. The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like strangers. You have to nourish your marriage!  As for us, both our kids are adults and will be moving out soon.  We’re already planning the things we’ll do together! (you can read a recent post I wrote on this topic HERE)

Let others know he is yours.  I don’t mean buy him one of those “I love my wife” shirts and making him wear it every other day.  Although once upon a time I may have bought my husband that exact shirt.  I mean post on his Facebook once in a while, shout out a Tweet to him, take a snap of the two of you watching a movie and just let it be known, he is yours.

Sex is important. No, it’s not everything…but it’s one notch below.  God designed sex and marriage to go hand in hand. God intended sex to create a oneness within our marriage. We don’t want to feel deprived and neither do our spouses.  I read a book a few years ago that was a sex game changer and I highly recommend it to all married couples.  It was Intimacy Ignited by Dr. Joseph and Linda Dillow and Dr. Peter and Lorraine Pintus.  Also, The Passion Principles by Shannon Ethridge.  You can also check out my posts from my Ignite Intimacy series here.

Most fights are over stupid things. Honestly, stupid things that don’t really even matter.  I once spent an entire day furious at my husband for buying me the wrong value meal from McDonald’s.  I mean, after this long he should know what I like…right?  I could fill this blog post and four others with the absolutely ridiculous, stupid things I’ve gotten mad over.  When I was younger {okay, and even sometimes now} I always wanted to prove my point and have the last word.  I’ve learned it’s more important to prove your love than your point. And what’s the best way to do that?  Not arguing over dumb things.  And eating that burger, even though it has onions on it, and you hate onions, and he should know that.

Never stop pursuing him. Write him love notes and tuck them in his lunchbox. Send him a racy text (I highly suggest knowing the location of his phone before this one). Tell him how much you appreciate him. Buy the stinkin’ lingerie that he likes on you, even if you feel it’s a waste of money. Kiss him and hold his hand, even if you’re in a horribly long checkout line at WalMart.  Pursue that mans heart daily.

Don’t be disrespectful.  Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. {Ephesians 5:33} I’ve read this verse over and over again trying to find a loophole.  There isn’t one.  It doesn’t say respect your husband only when you feel he deserves it, it doesn’t say he has to GIVE respect to GET respect and it’s certainly not up to us to deem when he is worthy of it. God was pretty clear with this verse, the wife MUST respect her husband. And for the love of all, do not talk bad about him to others ever! Not even to your Mama.  Build that man up.  Let him know that he is adequate, enough and that he has your respect.  The world will be cruel enough. Make sure he knows he always has a friend in you.

Have fun together! One thing I can say about my husband and I is we know how to have fun, and laugh ridiculous amounts while doing anything!  Some of it may be at inappropriate times and places but at least we’re laughing.  You need to make sure you have fun together too! Fun is a key ingredient to a successful friendship. No one wants to spend time with a Debbie Downer (or someone that gets super mad over onions on their burger).  Laugh.  And laugh.  And laugh some more.

And now for the special part, my sweet mans first time debuting on my blog!

Always keep God in the center of your world. In other words, in all that you do and how you do it. Placing God in the center of the marriage helps a couple see more than just themselves.

The old saying, a happy wife is a happy life. I always put her needs before mine, no matter what it is. And never stop dating. Even when you have kids.

Children are what we create them to be. So spoil them correctly with love and positive attention not everything that they want or you never had. Teach them the correct way of life, not what the world wants.

Learn to show love and respect. Show it even during the times when you think or feel it’s the hardest. And never give up on your marriage.

Learn to go without to give to those who need. I always try to place everyone’s needs and wants before my own.

Does your spouse come first, or do your kids take the number one spot?

This is a hard topic for many, and the opinions on it are usually varied and loud. And while I understand parenting is such a blessing from God, and raising those babies is so important, we can’t allow mothering to take precedence over our marriage.

Is being a Mama important?  Well, absolutely!  Pour your heart into those littles, but don’t neglect your man.  I’ve witnessed marriages fail because the kids were made top priority.  The kids grow up, move out of the house and the parents look at each other like strangers because they didn’t nourish their marriage.

The best way that you can love your kids is to love your husband. What kids want, more than anything, is to feel that their home is stable and secure. They need to know their parents not only love them, but they love each other. When children see their parents giving each other time, affection, love and respect it is a reassurance of our love and makes them feel secure. To put your marriage on hold for 18 years, or even one year, while you raise children is not only detrimental to your marriage, but it is also devastating to your children.

They can see their parents taking care of themselves so that frees that up to enjoy being a child.  They don’t have to worry about Mommy and Daddy because they take care of each other.  Seeing parents happy together breeds emotionally healthy children.

Now I’m not saying there aren’t times when your children should come first. Diaper changes, meals and injuries all need fairly immediate attention.  I’m certainly not suggesting you walk away from a bleeding child to go have coffee with your spouse and chat about their day. And I’m sure not suggesting that you ignore your children except for emergencies.  As I said earlier, pour your heart into those babies. But, it needs to be clear that your primary relationship (after God) is with your spouse.

Our love for our kids is so primal and so different, it’s easy to push our husbands out of the way and build our lives around our kids.

Please don’t do that. Your kids don’t need you to be with them every single night. They would benefit from you taking a break and going on a date with your spouse. I love going on dates with my husband, whether they are little mini-dates we catch here and there or a full day together. I love that feeling of just reconnecting with him and being able to give him my full attention without interruption. I think it’s so important to take time out of our busy lives to solely focus on each other. It keeps our marriage alive.  It’s so important to stay connected!  Some day those babies are going to grow up and leave your house.  You don’t want to be two strangers just coexisting as roommates when that happens.

When you got married, you vowed to love and cherish each other.  Until the day you die.  Not until you have babies.  If you really want to care for your children in the best possible way, do it by making your marriage solid.  That means following through with what you promised on your wedding day.  Building a relationship that causes you to grow together instead of growing apart.  

After all, the Bible says that the husband and wife are one flesh, not the kids and their Mama. They may come from us, but we are united with our husband, not our kids.

One thing to keep in mind is relationships always drift apart, they never drift together.  If you fail to put effort into your marriage, it will drift.  Faster than any other kind.

Give your marriage and your spouse as much attention as you give your children, it’s really that easy. Give the kids ice cream for dinner, turn on some Spongebob and lock your bedroom door.  Put them to bed a little early and snuggle on the couch with him. Hire a babysitter or take them to Grandma’s for the night and spend some one-on-one time with him. Or even go away for a romantic weekend together. Not only so he knows but so he feels he’s your number one priority.

S