This is the hardest post I’ve ever written for my blog in all the years I’ve had it.
It’s going to be raw, real and vulnerable.
I’ve started writing it so many times. Each time I would delete what I had written and close out WordPress.
Where do I even begin?
For the past couple of months I’ve been on a journey. A hard journey. It’s been hard emotionally, mentally and most of all physically. In the past 8 months I’ve had brain surgery, twice. And that, my friends, has taken a while to process.
I found out last March that I was born with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a diagnosis that explains so much of my medical journey thus far. The EDS has caused Intracranial Hypertension (my body produces too much cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) and the pressure within my skull is too high). The Intracranial Hypertension had also caused stenosis of a vein in my brain, hearing loss, the loss of eye sight, memory issues and horrible daily headaches. And the stenosis of my right transverse sinus also increased my stroke risk (and explains the stroke I had during a 2013 surgery).
In June I had a stent placed in my right tranverse sinus, hopeful that it would reduce the pressure inside my skull but knowing it was up to my brain to see it as a solution. It didn’t. And in October I had a Ventriculoperitoneal (VP) Shunt placed in my brain. It has lowered the pressure a bit, but we’re still in the process of getting things just right.
To say this has been a taxing, scary time is putting it mildly.
But, God.
And as I’ve said numerous times, God has me on this journey for a reason that is precious and perfect. And while I may not know His reason, I will praise Him in the midst.
Throughout this entire journey I’ve been reminded time and time again of God’s extravagant love for me. In the darkest places, I found Him there with me. Speaking to my heart. Speaking life into the hurt places. I’ve learned what it’s like to seek and find Him. I’ve thrown myself at His feet in a teary heap. I’ve learned that even in the hard times, He gives us enormous blessings. I’ve learned joy doesn’t come and go with our circumstances. But joy can be experienced despite our circumstances. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, second only to love, it flows from God, not circumstances. We have a fundamental need for joy in our lives. Life without joy is overwhelming, depressing and just plain sad.
God loves all of us extravagantly. And He’s not finished with a single one of us. The fact is, He has a sovereign plan that is for good and not evil. For joy and not sorrow. He is writing a story of on-going redemption with each of our lives. Our lives are woven together through seasons. It’s one person’s season to experience this. And another person’s season to experience that. Neither is loved more. Neither is more dispensable.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 sums up what I’ve felt in my heart in a few simple, powerful words: He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.
His time. His time. His time. HIS TIME.
Joy comes in knowing Jesus, experiencing His presence and trusting His timing. Joy comes when we fall more in love with the One who loves us most. To experience joy is to experience Jesus.
So many times we want joy, but not trails. We want faith, but not testing.
Y’all, I’m going to be honest, I’ve thought many times how much easier my life would be without pain, without surgeries, without loneliness and without financial hardships.
But God often uses the hard to refine us. To transform us into the person we were created to be in the first place. More like Him.
God has used this time to speak one word into my heart…rest. And with that, I took a break from my blog. I took this time to just truly rest physically and mentally. I’ve spent time just truly enjoying this amazing family of mine, surrounding myself with these crazy chickens and Bible journaling to my hearts content.
I would be lying if I said taking a break from blogging was scary. This has been my outlet, my happy, my honesty and my mission for so many years. But I trusted God knew what He was doing (isn’t that hard sometimes?) and knew when the time was right, He would nudge my heart to start writing again.
And here we are, following that gentle nudge I’ve been feeling.
