Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

The Unspoken of Chronic Illness

The past year I’ve dove deeper into chronic illness, and the diagnosis’s seem to pile up.  It’s all so new, yet so familiar.

I will tuck my hand into my husbands and walk into a new doctors office, sit shoulder to shoulder with smiling strangers all fighting their own terrifying battle.

I can always count on each new hospital to be bathed in white, to have the same beeps and dings ringing throughout and to have the same sterile smell.

And I will always feel guilt.

In the middle of a seemingly normal day, it will wash over me like the warm summer rain.

Something I often feel but seldom speak about because, in all honesty, I feel guilty about guilt.

It can come in seeing chores you used to do faithfully now seem like an insurmountable task.  It can come in seeing a loved ones eyes filled with concern and fear over your illness.  It can come in well-meaning comments from others just come off a little stingy.  It can come in the quiet of the day when you’re left alone with your thoughts.

I feel guilt that my children don’t remember their Mama before she was sick.  I feel guilt that my husband got dealt a sick wife that he has to take care of.  I feel guilt that I can’t be the housewife I once was.  I feel guilt that my loved ones worry so much about me, even though they hide their tears from me.  I feel guilt because I have imposed on the lives of people that I love in ways that are not fair to any of them.

And then I feel guilt because I’m a Christian, and I know without a doubt God has wrote this journey for me.  We are meant to be shiny happy people radiating His love to all who pass us.  We are to be beacons of light not sobbing over not feeling well enough to cook dinner.

I could honestly go on and on with reasons I feel guilty, and I’m sure you can add to the list as well.

But there are a few things I need to remind myself of, some days minute by minute, to combat the overwhelming feeling of guilt.

God chose me.

He hand-picked me to carry these chronic illnesses because He trusts me to remain faithful in the middle of every trial.  He knows I will give Him all the glory.  He chose me to walk this path for a reason.  I always remind myself that reason may be that someone else needs to watch my walk.  They need to see my testimony during the storm.  They need to see “Not I, but Christ”.

Seek out blessings and joy.

So many times we want joy, but not trails.  We want faith, but not testing.

Y’all, I’m going to be honest, I’ve thought many times how much easier my life would be without pain, without surgeries, without loneliness and without financial hardships.

But God often uses the hard to refine us.  To transform us into the person we were created to be in the first place.  More like Him.

My life isn’t over, it’s just different.

I’m still here.  I’m still alive.  I’m still able to laugh with my kids.  I’m still able to go on dates with my husband.  I’m still able to walk next door and visit with my parents.  Yes, my days look different but my life is very much from over.

Those who love us understand.

They just love us unconditionally.  They don’t see us as the inconvenience we feel like we are.  If that means taking more breaks on a shopping day or visiting while you lay on the couch, they are perfectly fine with that.

God loves me.

God loves all of us extravagantly.  And He’s not finished with a single one of us.  The fact is, He has a sovereign plan that is for good and not evil.  For joy and not sorrow.  He is writing a story of on-going redemption with each of our lives.  Our lives are woven together through seasons.  It’s one person’s season to experience this.  And another person’s season to experience that.  Neither is loved more.  Neither is more dispensable.

Let me assure you that our Heavenly Father is aware of all of our struggles, of the guilt and shame you carry daily, and He is reaching out to you with His loving hand.  He is ready and willing to wrap His arms around all of us.  He wants to carry and comfort us through our hard, through the seasons that are exhausting and guilt filled. I encourage you to let Him.  Reach up and let go.  Let Him carry of all your guilt, shame, worry and concern for you.  There will be days you’ll have to continually give it to Him.  The peace He gives you in return is unlike any other.

Low Carb Chili Cheese Dog Bake

When my husband and I began eating low carb months ago, I had no idea how I was going to survive.  I mean, carbs were my life y’all.  Since then I’ve been determined to take normal recipes and not only make them low carb but also make them yummy.  I want to eat low carb without missing carbs!

One of my favorite casseroles that we use to have was a Chili Cheese Dog Bake.  Yummy hot dogs and cheese wrapped in a puffy, flaky crust resting on a bed of homemade chili.  Yes, please!  I’ve been so hungry for it, so last week I did some experimenting to replicate a low carb version.

Let me tell you, this did not disappoint!  Layers of cheesy, chili hot dog goodness.  A delicious meal for the entire family!  Enjoy!


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 Low Carb Chili Cheese Dog Bake
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Ingredients
Servings
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Chili Sauce: Sauté meat, garlic and onions till browned. Drain the grease from the pan. Add all the spices and stir well. Keep stirring until fragrant, being careful not to burn them. Then add in the tomato paste, ketchup and water. I added a little more water, until it was the consistency I liked. Cook over super low heat for 3-4 hours. Make sure to watch it so it doesn’t dry out and stick. Once it was finished cooking, I use a immersion hand blender to make it a finer consistency. Once the chili is ready, you can start assembling the casserole.
  2. Preheat the oven to 350.
  3. Placed sliced hot dogs on the bottom of the casserole dish. Add half of the chili in a layer on top of the hot dogs. And top the chili with one cup of cheese. Do another layer with the remaining chili.
  4. In a separate bowl beat eggs, then add mayonnaise and heavy whipping cream. Stir until smooth and pour on top of the chili.
  5. Top with remaining cheese and bake for 30 minutes or until cheese begins to brown.
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Forgetting That Date

My marriage was dying.

It was like a slow, silent kind of death.  One we were both uncomfortably aware of but unwilling to speak about.

Hopelessness consumed our days.  We wore hurt and brokenness daily like winter jackets.

Our marriage seemed comprised of arguments, an unwillingness to understand each other and selfish hearts.

We were living in the same house and unsure of what the future looked like.

On a warm summer day the silence was broken and we found ourselves at a crossroads between divorce and reconciliation.

The first thing I did was look at the calendar, knowing it was a date I’d never forget.

That date.  That date.  That date.

We spent days being swallowed up by anger.  We spent days having tear soaked faces.  We spent days having hopelessness walk beside us.

But then…

THEN GOD.

There was a night when I was at my breaking point.  I got in my car and started driving.  I ended up on a hill in the middle of the woods.  The sky was covered with stars and I could see for miles around.  I listened to hymns, sang along, cried my eyes out and talked to God for hours on end.  When I left the hill that night I had something new, HOPE!

I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my husband what the conversation between God and I held.

In that moment we were catapulted into trusting Him more than we ever had to in the past.

We handed our marriage to God, knowing we couldn’t revive it ourselves.  And with that, God breathed new life into our dying marriage.  He showed us both forgiveness in a way we had never known and restored our marriage, making it better than it ever had been in the past.

The new marriage we had was amazing.  It was filled with compromise, hope, selflessness and love.

But every year I still remembered that date.

That date.

On that date my heart would still feel pangs of sadness.  I would pull our story out and read over it from beginning to end.  I would blog about it.  I would talk about it.  I would re-walk our journey.

Each year I sat that day aside to relive it all.  All the hurt.  The arguments.  The selfishness.  And the death of my marriage.

I had never fully allowed God, and my husbands love, to heal my heart.

Until this year.

One day I realized, no matter how hard I thought, I couldn’t remember that date.  A date that at one time held such significance no longer did.  A date that was spent reliving all the hard had been erased by all the good.

I told my husband, and a smile graced his lips.  I hadn’t realized how my reliving that date hurt his heart.  He told me he’s always hoped the love he has for me, and the love he shows me, to be enough.  Enough to erase that date and make it insignificant.

That’s exactly what it did.

A combination of a lot of heart work by God and my husbands selfless love erased it completely.  Where there was once a void there is now amazing love.

I want you to know God can see into the deepest depths of your heart.  He knows exactly what it will take to restore Hope into your heart, into your life and into your marriage.  He meets us where we are and loves us just as we are, sinners.  He showers us with his amazing grace.  We have a God who knows how we feel, and really cares.  He knows our doubts and hopelessness.  He can help when we’re willing to bring those things to him.  God walks with us during our hopeless times and never leaves us.

Romans 8:28 says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Our marriages aren’t exempt from this.  When we are in the middle of a trial in marriage, it’s hard to see how God could ever use it for good.  But He has promised to use them for good, and He is faithful to keep His word.  Give your marriage over to God and allow Him to heal the hopeless and the hardness.  He will bring beauty from the ashes.  And in time you will forget that date too.