{It is with such pleasure that I introduce Rebecca Luzier. We’ve shared laughter and a few tears during conversations over coffee. Every time, never running out of subjects to talk about. Her heart for Jesus shines as does her magnetic personality! Please give a warm Forever Beloved welcome to Rebecca! Show her how much you appreciate her by sharing and commenting on her story!}
Grief /noun/
deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.
synonyms: sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, distress, heartache, heartbreak, agony, torment, affliction, suffering, woe, desolation, dejection, despair; mourning, mournfulness, bereavement, lamentation
I have heard of the “grieving process” and the “stages of grief” and they frustrate me. I understand that there has been much research and work gone into these models of thought. I am not totally disregarding them because they show us what “typical” pattern can occur in a human after a great loss. However, I have found these to be somewhat inaccurate.
I have discovered that many, probably even most people, when dealing with a loss, do not actually go through much of a process at all. Here is the definition of process:
Process /noun/
a series of actions or steps taken to achieve a particular end.
Synonyms: procedure, operation, action, activity, exercise, affair, business, job, task, undertaking
So, what is the particular end that is to be achieved? Many people have expressed to me that instead of a process, they feel more like they are in a rut on a loop. One that seems never ending. Their life has been altered greatly by a loss, whether it be a loved one passes away, a divorce, a broken friendship or relationship, or even the loss of expectations being met can cause this rutted loop to begin forming.
You may be wondering how to pull out of this rut on a loop and begin living a new normal if one can even exist somehow. I am here to tell you that there is a way to grieve well and go through a process to get to the other side. The end result of joyful living in a new way.
I would like to begin diving into this by sharing some of my own story and heart with you all.
I don’t even like to see the word grief. It immediately stirs up anxiety in my belly and causes me to begin to shut down, compartmentalize, and begin internally “toughening up” or “pulling up my bootstraps”.
“Pulling up my bootstraps” has been the default way of dealing/coping (maybe rather not dealing or coping) with grief for most of my life. When I suffer a loss, I immediately begin to look for things to do. Busy work to do. I can be very good at taking care of things during this time. It helps me to get my mind away from the hurting that is happening. I clean, cook, organize, and stay very busy. If I am “doing”, somehow, I believe I am confirming that life goes on as per usual. The world doesn’t stop turning and everything is still as it was. That is not true at all. But it makes me feel better initially.
I have suffered much loss in my life. When I was young, my mother was diagnosed with a rare auto immune disorder that took her energy a lot of the time. A couple of years after that, my parents divorced, and I stepped into “caretaker” of my younger sister. I had lost the fulfillment of expectations of what a normal childhood ought to look like. As I entered adolescence, my interest in boys grew. As a consequential result, I began to experience a new kind of loss. Young emotions ran high, and break ups broke my heart many times over. While I was still very young I experienced a deeper loss. The loss of my virginity happened at a mere 13 years of age and caused a sequence of events already in motion to continue at full speed. I continued experiencing heartbreaks and my heart grew harder as the next few years rolled by. I got involved at age 16 with the man I would marry. During the early time of our relationship I started creating the expectations of what our life together should look like. I planned to move in together as soon as I graduated high school and I hoped for marriage to soon follow. I did graduate as projected and we moved into our own place within weeks after. By the end of that year, I was pregnant and begging for marriage.
This was a huge loss in my adult life.
Loss /noun/
the fact or process of losing something or someone.
the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value.
I suffered a loss of the life I wished was reality. I didn’t understand the sadness in my heart at that time, but I can see now that it was because I suffered a loss. We ended up getting married before the baby was born and began this new life together as a unit. My husband had a lot of health issues in our first year of marriage and our first child was born premature. Through it all I was still finding a sense of excitement for what was to come once we got through the struggles of that year. Our first born was healthy and things were good. About a year later we decided we wanted to have another child. Not long after, I got pregnant with our second born and when I was 18 weeks along, my mother passed away. I was only 20 years old and my soul ached.
Losing Mom.
My mother was so many things to me and one day I may write that down to share, but for now I will just summarize with this; I had fun with my mom and I respected her and honored her deeply. She was a rock of stability throughout my entire life. I watched her fight fiercely for joy and peace through a lot of hell along the way. I also watched her obtain it. Now she was gone. I believed she would be healed here and be a walking miracle. But she was gone.
I had a toddler and a baby on the way as well as a rocky marriage. I couldn’t stop moving. I had to keep going. So, I did the things I needed to and kept on keepin’ on. I refused to give over to crippling sadness and defeat. I worked hard to hold everything together and began seeking Jesus in a new way. I wanted this Jesus that I watched my mother love so preciously and Whom provided her peace and joy in ways unattainable by any other means.
I had peace from the time my mother passed that she was healed, but in a different way than what I had expected. She was healed into a perfect body in the presence of Jesus and she no longer had to fight for that joy or peace. It was constant.
That was hard at times to hold onto though. Let’s face it, there are times when you just want your Momma! My mom wouldn’t be there for the rest of my life and I missed her (miss her) terribly. Sometimes the ache is gut wrenching. However, she taught me to be independent and strong and to never give up. So, I don’t.
For the next many years my husband and I had many battles and 3 more children. So that makes 4 kids in 8 years and means that I am exhausted. Throughout the marriage there were many betrayals and heartaches. The two of us were a perfect storm and caught in a toxic pattern. Eventually, another woman came along, and my husband began a relationship with her, forcing me to leave with the kids. I fought hard for our marriage to be restored but he chose to pursue a divorce.
Loss of my husband.
Loss of my marriage.
Loss of my family.
Loss of the fantasy portrait of the life I wished we had. (loss of my idol)
By the time I was 28; I had been married, had 4 children 8 and under, lost my mother, and now tossed away and divorced.
Shipwrecked.
This was the absolute lowest time in my life……and the one I have the most beautiful memories of.
Jesus was my everything. I chased after Him harder than I had ever chased down anything in my life. He met me there and I began to allow Him to transform my heap of burnt up ashes into a beautiful headdress of gladness.
There is so much good stuff here I could write for days and days about. Maybe one day I will, but for now, I want you to know how I am who I am today and how I have learned to grieve well.
The Old Testament has many forms of the word grief all throughout it’s pages. In the New Testament, things change some. There is a significant drop in the amount of times the word pops up.
The less frequency in the New Testament of words denoting “grief” is significant. Christ came “to comfort all that mourn–to give a garland for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” Christians, however, cannot but feel sorrow and be moved by grief, and it is to be noted that in both the Old Testament and New Testament, God Himself is said to be susceptible to grief.
Helpful Grief Coping Skills to Develop
• Recognize your loss for what it is. It is sad and will cause life to look different from this point forward.
• Then CRY. IT. OUT. (or scream, yell, or whatever needs to happen for you personally with the Father) Tell your Daddy in Heaven exactly why you’re so wrecked about this loss. Remember that Jesus was so emotionally wrecked in the garden that He literally cried tears of blood. That is a real medical phenomenon that happens! Google, if you don’t believe me! (this can be difficult especially if you don’t already have a relationship with Him, but this blog can point you in right direction for that)
• Next, after you have had a good cleansing emotional release, ask God what is next. Ask Him what parts of you He wants to mend. Ask Him how you can have your ashes transformed into a headdress of gladness.
• Now open the Word. Read His scriptures. He WILL speak to you from those pages, beloved! Whether you find a verse directly linked to what you’re dealing with or not, He will use it when you approach His word seeking His face!
• Rinse and Repeat! This is a PROCESS! Remember the definition from the beginning?? If not, scroll up and re read it.
“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
Don’t consult the dead on the matters of the living.
Loss and grief are matters of the living.
In both modern and ancient times, a medium is a person who communicates with spirits, usually apart from the use of witchcraft. A medium is, literally, an “intermediary” between the spirit world and ours. The Bible condemns the practice of mediumship, and attempting to speak to the dead, through séances or other means, is expressly forbidden.
Sometimes mediums are called “channelers,” as they allegedly “channel” communication from the dead to the living. A medium might only communicate with one or more specific spirits (called “familiars” or “familiar spirits”), or the communication may be spread across many different spirits. The messages may come audibly, visually, or through physical sensations. Modern mediums distinguish themselves from psychics, who only read the “energies” of a person or place and do not communicate with actual spirits. (The term “psychic medium” can confuse the issue.) Also, a medium is not necessarily a witch, wizard, sorcerer, or necromancer, since mediums believe that their communication with the spirit world is an inherent ability. The fictional character Cole Sear in the movie The Sixth Sense would be considered a medium.
Mediums are referenced in several passages of the Old Testament. In Leviticus 20:27 mediums are condemned along with “spiritists.” Deuteronomy 18:10–11 echoes Leviticus and expands it, including diviners, sorcerers, witches/wizards, anyone who casts spells, and anyone who practices child sacrifice.
King Saul’s sinful use of a medium is recorded in 1 Samuel 28. The prophet Samuel was dead, and King Saul was frustrated that God had ceased telling him what to do through prophets or dreams. So, the king, in direct violation of God’s Law and his own previous command, told his men to find a medium who could communicate with Samuel (1 Samuel 28:3). This medium conjured Samuel, and Saul communicated with the dead prophet. Theologians discuss whether this conjuring was a physical reappearance of Samuel or merely an image of him. There is also some question whether or not the medium actually meant to conjure Samuel, as she seems to have been the most surprised at his appearance—“When the woman saw Samuel, she cried out at the top of her voice” (verse 12). Perhaps she was a fraud who did not expect to actually see a spirit, or perhaps she was expecting to communicate with her “familiar” and not with Samuel directly. Either way, God seems to have allowed Samuel’s conjuring to drive home His point to Saul. The prophet’s message to Saul was one of doom (verses 17–19), and he died the next day. First Chronicles 10:13–14 reveals that Saul’s interaction with the medium was an important part of why he was dethroned, and his dynasty cut short.
In the New Testament, sorcery and other associated practices are considered inappropriate, sinful activities for any Christian (Acts 8:9 and 19:19). Since the primary purpose of these activities is to communicate with spirits, it is correct to include mediumship in these New Testament warnings.
It should be noted that the spirit a medium conjures is not the spirit of a deceased person (the case of Samuel speaking to Saul was a rare exception). Jesus’ story of the rich man and Lazarus in Luke 16:18–31 gives strong evidence that, once a person is dead, his soul remains in either heaven or hell. Thus, the spirits who communicate with mediums are lying spirits (see 1 Kings 22:23) who deceive people into believing their lost loved ones are communicating to them. When grieving parents seek out a medium to put them in touch with their dead child, they don’t realize the spirit who speaks to them is actually a demon pretending to be their child. Any involvement with such practices, including asking mediums for guidance, is strongly warned against in the Bible.
This is something I have seen many people turn to for comfort and it drives me crazy. It might make your emotions feel a little better for the moment, but you are messing with things that have the power to wreck your life even more than you think it already has been.
If you stuck with me through this entire post I am so excited for the things God has for you in the weeks to come. If you seek Him, He will meet you. He will mend up your broken heart and give you a spirit of gladness and joy in place of that spirit of mourning. He promises it! I am praying for you if your eyes have hit these words and want you to know that Jesus sees you.
He sees your pain and your heartbreak, and He KNOWS what that feels like. He hears your cry and longs for you to come into the shadow of His wing for comfort and rest.
May you have a blessed and authentic day chasing your one and only Savior, Jesus Christ.
