Forever Beloved

Faith, Love & Truth

Reignite Intimacy | Keep The Fire Burning

It is with such pleasure that I introduce today’s guest blog writer, Oluwapelumi.  And today we have the pleasure of hearing about keep the fire burning in your marriage. Pelumi reached out to me recently and was interested in being a guest blogger, I jumped at the opportunity!  Her heart for Jesus is evident as you read her post.  Please give a warm Forever Beloved welcome to Pelumi! Show her how much you appreciate this post by sharing and commenting!

Sex is very important in marriage and as a matter of fact, it’s also very important to God. God gave us sex as an amazing way to strengthen the  bond between a husband and a wife, throughout the lifetime  of a marriage. Sex is the healing balm for every hurts and offenses committed against one another. Sex is that special connection that is shared with no other person and it brings so much closeness and intimacy. Of course, there’s more to marriage than sex, but then sex is highly important and should not laid aside.

One of the most important things to do in marriage is to keep the fire in the bedroom burning. It is very important because if you don’t, the fire will die. Every fire needs fuel to keep it going, and that fuel must always be supplied at every point in time. In marriage, there’s need for husband and wife to continually fan to flame the intimacy that’s between them.

A lot of times, when couples divorce one another, it’s not because there is no more love, it’s just because they no longer do for each other, those things that matters in the marriage. I once read about a couple that were at the verge of divorce but the wife requested that the husband carries her in his arms every morning to the car, throughout the one month preceding the divorce. Can you believe that that singular act changed everything and after the one month, things got back to normal.

In this post, I will be highlighting important things that helps to keep the fire burning in any marriage.

  1. Effective communication

Communication is one of the most important tools in marriage. Communication is the rope that binds a relationship together. Everything in marriage is centered around communication. In order to keep the fire burning in the bedroom, there’s need to keep on talking about sex with your spouse. Regularly discuss together, your ideas about sex and how to make things better for each of you. Don’t just leave things to chance, talk about it. Talk about what you are doing wrong and what you are doing right. Talk as much as possible about sex.

  1. Be intentional

Sometimes, life becomes a routine. We wake up, prepare kids for school, go to work, do home duties, and all. It’s so easy to get  infused in the routine, and everything  remains the same. Never allow the busyness of life to affect your sexual relationship. Be intentional. Always think about how to make things better on your own, and how -to make things work out  together, by talking about it.  Don’t let the motions of life deny you the great pleasure that the Lord wants you to enjoy with our spouse.  Never allow things to become monotonous. Always think of how to spice up things in the bedroom. Of course, there are times that we just get so occupied and things gets dry and boring for a while. It’s okay, but as soon as you realize this, don’t stay there, pick it up from there and begin to spice things up again.

  1. Have a renewed mind about sex

There’s no better place to learn about sex than God’s word. You need to renew your mind and understand sex from the perspective of the word of God. The best place place to start to learn about sex is from God’s word, not from friends, not from Hollywood.

Let me give an instance, society may says that it’s okay to deny your spouse sex, or use sex as a manipulation tool. Scriptures however says that you should not deny your spouse except it’s with consent.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I Corinthians 7:3-5 NKJV

Sometimes it’s okay to say No, especially if your spouse understands. The truth however is that  if you say no every time, especially because you are tired or because there’s an hurt in your heart against your spouse, you will find that it would take weeks or sometimes months before you would have get back to having sex as a couple. And you see, God’s intention is that you have sex as much as possible. ‘Do not deprive one another’ is an instruction and a  command, not a suggestion.

Sex is like the thermometer of one’s marriage, that is, how frequently you have it, says something about how strong and intimate you are in your marriage, and also having it frequently, helps to increase intimacy.

Another scripture to consider is this:

Let nothing be  done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4 NKJV

Understand that sex is not a chore, it’s for pleasure. Sex is a way to bless your spouse, it’s not about you. If it’s all about you, then you can do it whenever you like and how ever you like. However, when you know that it’s more about ministering to your spouse, it changes your entire outlook to it.

  1. Flirt with your spouse

One way to stay connected to our spouses during the day such that it’s easy to say yes at night, is to think about them. Learn to think about your spouse during the day. You can as well send flirty text messages. Flirty text messages are like gathering the clouds in preparation for a mighty rain. It helps to set the tone for a great sex later in the course of the day.

See what the wife in songs of Solomon was thinking or maybe saying about her husband…

My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh.  His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels.  His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires.  His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold.  His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. (Song of Songs 5:10-16)

Imagine thinking in such manner about your spouse. It heightens your sexual longing.

Touch your spouse. Touches are very important, not only when it’s time for the act, but throughout the day. Invest in sexy lingerie. Unleash the seductress in you. Say no to Granny’s pant. Be flirty towards your husband. Remember that men are visual beings. Accept yourself just the way you are. Truly, childbirth changes a lot of things; loose belly, loose breasts. However, know that your husband still finds you attractive and so be free to express yourself.  Initiate sex. Men are not very creative people. They are monotonous, they can stick to one pattern for a long time. Women however have a more natural tendency to be creative. In matters of the bedroom, be as creative as possible. Initiate another style, initiate another pattern. Get naughty, be creative. Who says a Christian’s sex life should be boring! There’s no limit to how much you can get creative and innovative. When you are uninhibited in your sexual expression towards your spouse, you become an exciting and stimulating partner and you also find enjoyment in the relationship.

  1. Always affirm your spouse positively

A man that knows that he’s highly accepted by his wife has an increased confidence. A woman, that receive positive affirmations especially about her body, has an increased self confidence and is allowed to be fully expressive, without any form of shame or reservations. Start to give your spouse words of affirmation about his or her sexual prowess. Whenever you want to communicate any challenge to your spouse about his or her sexual ability, do so with grace, such that there’s no hurt or bad feelings.

  1. Prioritize your relationship with God

The first thing to know is that there is a relationship between the fire in one’s spirit and the fire in the bedroom. The more we understand who we are in Christ Jesus, the more we understand the love of Christ, the more we will love one another, and the more we will be able to express ourselves in the bedroom. This is  why, before talking about the ways to keep the fire burning, I would emphasize on our relationship with the Lord. If we are not on fire for the Lord, there’s no way we are going to be on fire for one another.

One of my favorite scripture is Isaiah 54:5 NKJV.

For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth.

Our relationship with God is very paramount in keeping the fire burning. As a wife,  When the Lord is first  your husband, He  fills your heart with so much love for your earthly husband. As an husband, when the Lord is first your wife,  sounds funny right, he fills your heart with so much love for your earthly wife. .

In conclusion, keeping the fire burning is not a one time thing, but it’s something to continually do throughout the course of your marriage.

 

My name is Oluwapelumi. I am married to a sweet husband called Seyi and we are blessed with two children (3 years and 18 months). I am very passionate about children spiritual growth and I am always looking for or creating resources and activities that will help me instill Christ in my home and in the hearts of my kids and other kids. l also have a mentoring ministry for teenage girls and young ladies and a blog, where I write for them. Along side this, I have another blog, aimed at helping wives and moms to be a blessing to their husbands and children respectively. My hobbies are writing, reading, thinking, playing, dancing and lots more. I enjoy loving Christ, helping my husband and taking care of my daughter and son.

Reignite Intimacy | When Attraction Leaves

I remember that first time I saw Joe at a mutual friends house.  His t-shirt and bright eyes, the way he made me laugh with ease, his confidence, it sucked me in.  My attraction to this “bad boy” shocked me, this dark mysterious guy who ignored the world and had multiple tattoos.  I thought to myself that it would be hilarious if I were so immediately attracted to him because he was supposed to be my husband.  Actually, that was my second though.  My first thought was that my Mama would never approve of this tattooed wild boy.

Three months later we were married.

We both entered marriage in love with being in love.  I adored the romance, comfort and support a spouse offered.  I loved waking up beside him each morning and laying down beside him each night.  I loved that he was my best friend and knew me better than anyone.  We had our own unwritten language and could share a look or a word that no one else would understand but WE knew what it meant.  I loved how he could make me laugh more than anyone else.

Falling in love is the most blissful feeling.  With each new discovery in your relationship, you feel yourself falling more and more in love.  You just know, in your heart of hearts, that you’ve found the right person to spend the rest of your life with.

One morning you wake up, look at your spouse and don’t even recognize them anymore.  She has gained weight since having babies.  He’s going bald.  She has wrinkles.  And when did he start growing so much hair in his ears?  You begin to wonder if you even married the right person.  The person you are married to isn’t the same person you fell in love with.  The chemistry just doesn’t feel the same as when you were first married.

You were so certain those first feelings would last forever.  But they didn’t.  It’s just not the same anymore.

And you begin to dwell on things.

Maybe I am not attracted to my husband anymore.

Did I make a mistake getting married?

Do I even like sex?

Is there something wrong with me?

How can God expect you to stay married to someone you don’t feel that spark with and might not be attracted to anymore?

The issue with dwelling on these doubtful thoughts is that it will start to chip away what you know in your heart, that you married your best friend and you are attracted to him.  These negative thoughts will seep in and cause destruction in your marriage…you’ll stop initiating sex, you won’t be motivated to even have sex, you’ll begin to believe that there is no chemistry between you two and when that stranger gives you a wink at the gas station your eyes will wander.

I have heard these doubts in wives.  I have listened to them wrestling with these thoughts.  I have watched some overcome them, and some not.  As women, we desire truth.  But our insecurities lie to us.

Aging and our bodies changing is a part of life.  I know very few people who look the same in their 40s as they did in their 20s.  As we age our metabolism slows down.  People naturally gain weight, and it becomes much harder to keep it off.  As we age we are simply not as attractive as we were in our early twenties.  We get wrinkles.  We get moles.  We get stretch marks.  And let’s talk about skin tags, what even are those annoying things?  Skin sags, even if you’re in great shape.  We get cellulite.  Our bodies change as we experience joy, pain, life, death, victory, heartache and time.  These are all facts.  To look the same now as I did 22 years ago would require a vast amount of work.  The thought of that work exhausts me.  And in the end, I still wouldn’t look the same.

With that being said, here are a few things to consider.

We are to delight in each other

Part of loving your man is being as attractive as you can be.  After all, you’re the only woman he’s allowed to look at.  I try to always have a hair style and hair color I know my husband likes.  I also try to wear outfits that I’ve heard him say he liked.  For example, I know he prefers that I wear a t-shirt and jeans.  Praise Jesus he doesn’t prefer dresses!  And when we go anywhere together, I always try to look my best, by doing my hair and makeup, so that he can be proud to have me on his arm.

Regardless of your size, you are still beautiful!  I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of the worlds beauty standards, and think since you’re not a size 2 then what is the use.  Let me encourage you to fight the frump y’all.  Get dressed in your best.  Choose clothing that flatters your body.  So much of being sexy is about attitude, not just what we look like!  Exuding confidence is sexy!  If you’re passionate with your husband, and you present yourself well, you’re choosing to love him.

But remember, the same grace you want your husband to offer you for your appearance is also what you should offer him for his.  And just maybe him seeing how much effort you’ve put into your appearance will spark a desire in him to do the same.

A side-note to the men…you are instructed in the Bible to always delight in your wife, not only when you think she looks hot.  Proverbs 5:19 says Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight.  This means even if gravity has taken a toll.

You don’t need the perfect body to have amazing sex

Sex as part of marriage is important to God.  Sex is one of the ways a man and a woman are bound together by God in a covenant relationship for life.  Sex is supposed to bring us closer together in different ways – spiritually, physically, emotionally.  Physically is only one aspect.  And when we put so much emphasis on needing the perfect body in order to make love we’ve lost the point. We’ve cheapened sex.

Let’s take a closer look at 1 Corinthians 7:3-5…

3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I think “do not deprive” is an important part of these verses, and we have to look further into what that translates to.  The biblical definition of deprive is to take away; to put an end; to destroy.  This implies that there should be a healthy level of sexual activity, that this is a legitimate need and depriving our spouse of it could destroy them and in essence our marriage.  This isn’t something that is optional in marriage.  And it isn’t something that should be minimized or used as a weapon, either.

Be cautious of your spouses confidence

Robert Frost said Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.  In our hearts, we crave that our spouses desire us and are attracted to us.  If you tell your spouse you aren’t attracted to them, that is absolutely devastating and so hard to recover from.  We’re supposed to delight in our spouses, not tear them down.

If your wife has gained weight since having babies, ask her to walk with you in the evenings.  If your husband has hair growing in his ears or out of control eyebrows, ask him if you could trim them.  Try to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Pursue intimacy

I have a feeling if you truly pursued intimacy with your spouse, that the attraction would return.  If you aren’t sure where to start, read my post 16 Ways To Make Your Marriage Sizzle.  To keep intimacy alive you have to desire it.  You have to want it.  You have to be deliberate about it.  You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goal.  You have to engage your heart fully in the joyful pursuit.

If you are experiencing this issue, here is my challenge to you.  Remember why you feel in love with your spouse to begin with.  Pray to have eyes that crave them.  Pray for sexual intimacy with them and then intentionally pursue them.  Explore sex and the fullness of it.

And as for the question if God expects you to stay in this marriage, I think another blog post I wrote will help answer that.  It’s called Is Your Marriage Worth Saving.  Once you’ve read it, take some time to just pour your heart out to God.  As your love story is written by the ultimate Author of love, you might just be surprised at the romance you find.

Creating Art | Bible Journaling

Ten years ago on a Friday night you would have found me at my scrapbook desk riffling through stacks of scrapbook papers, dreaming about what I would create with my new kit and having my hands covered in paint and ink.  I was a member of many design teams, had been published a few times in various magazines and even wrote a few articles for publication.  Scrapbooking was something that connected me to other wonderful women from across the world, some I even made lifelong friendships with.  I am so thankful for everything it brought into my life.

And now, though I may not be scrapbooking the exact same way I did back then, I’m still creating art.  But now I create it through Bible journaling.

Bible journaling is a technique that helps you to further your growth in the Word.  It can be in your Bible, as I do, or it can be in a journal, notepad, devotional, scrapbook and you can even do it digitally.  There’s nothing formal about Bible journaling.  As with most of the art I love, there are no rules.  That’s what draws me to it!  There are no guidelines.  There are no perfect pages. Instead, Bible journaling is about responding to the Word creatively and seeing how the verses apply to your daily life.

There are so many different techniques used in Bible journaling.  Anything from just writing notes in the margins to using colored pencils to embellishments.  My favorite is a mix of watercolor and mixed media.

There are also kits out there to help you get started.  My favorite has to be Illustrated Faith!  I’ve purchased a few of their kits and I just adore the mix of patterns and colors.  Make sure you go check them out.

I’m going to leave you with a few of my favorite pages I’ve done thus far.  If you’re interested in following along with my artsy journey, make sure to follow me on Instagram.  That’s where I occasionally post my newest pages.